That's a wrap

It's almost over y'all.  2014...what a kick in the knees this year has been.  For the second consecutive year, I have what resembles the flu on New Year's Eve.  Fun!  It's like having a hangover without the fuzzy fun memories leading up to it.

I've gone back and forth on how I wanted to wrap this ol' blog up for the year.  There's just so may ways I can take this.  But I'm sick and a little bit lazy, so we are just going to go with the tried and true list.  A list of the highlights and  then we'll close the loop with some 2015 goals.  How exciting for you that you get to read this!

In no particular order and excluding the obvious brilliant hilarious kid, loving Husband, tap-dancing dog, health and happiness yada, yada, yada, here are my favorite things from this past year:

1. The Derek Jeter commercial.  I'm kind of indifferent to Jeter.  Obviously, he's one of the greatest players, but his existence is inconsequential in my life.  I am, however, a sucker for great marketing.  And this commercial was fantastic.  I sent it to Husband gushing about how great it was and his response, "I refuse to watch it on principle."  And that, my friends, is what our relationship is like.
2. Bedlam.  Football, baseball and wrestling: yay us!  Basketball: Stinkville.  Let's never talk about it again.  Football on the other hand, let's talk about that again and again and again.  Kick it again!
3. Eggnog cookies.  Found this recipe.  It was life-changing.  Nothing else to say about that.
4. Hozier, Take Me to Church. I don't have any idea what this song is about.  I've listened to it a hundred times and I just don't know.  I watched the video.  That definitely didn't clear anything up.  But I really love it.  Maybe it's about Derek Jeter.
5. Orange Papago Blossom beer. Discovered this last week when I was in Arizona.  It is delicious.  There's nutmeg or cinnamon or allspice or something in it. My palate isn't all that distinguished.  I just know my mouth was happy after drinking it.
6. World Cup Mania.  That was fun.  I liked the chanting.  I hope we can do it again this summer. 
7. Drunk History and Benched.  Two new shows I've started watching this year.  As you can see, I fully commit to intellectually stimulating programming.  The more you know, the more you grow.
8. Sloth adventures. Hanging out and holding a sloth in the Amazon was one of my all-time favorite travel adventures.  The bar has been raised; this year, I'm going fisticuffs with a polar bear.

So it's time to set goals, resolutions if you will, for the upcoming year.

1. Win an NCAA tournament game. What's that?  You're not supposed to set resolutions for other people?  Tough. It's my blog.  I do what I want.  And what I want is a frickin' tourney win.  Do we have an understanding?
2. Read one book a month.  Look at this moment, that is all I can commit to.  I am finally finishing The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series.  And yes, I know that those books came out 45 years ago, but you need to just get over your idea of what a reasonable timeframe is for me.  It's all fluid baby.  And for the record, TOO MANY DETAILS in those books.  I need a flow chart of names and a map of Sweeden just to follow along.  Anyway, I'm looking for book recommendations.  Whatcha got?
3. Run.  From my problems.  From the cops.  Whatever, just run.  I think this is the year I will run something.  Probably just down the street, but at least I can say I did it, right?  I'll update you guys with hashtags and check-ins on facebook.
4. Write more.  If I say it for all the world hear, then someone has to hold me accountable, right?  I'm going to write more this year, more than this blog.  So if you see any opportunities out there, just go ahead and be a lamb and send them along.  I'd say I'd commit to writing about my new running adventure, but I have a feeling it would go something like this: "I ran today.  Running is stupid.  I don't know why people do it.  I quit."  And I'm not really in the haiku business, so let's look for other topics, shall we?

There you go.  It's been a challenging year, but I survived.  And that's all anyone can ask for. That and to meet Jay Z.

Happy 2015.

Dear Santa

Santa!

What it do, boo?  I know you're busy, so I'll keep this as short as I possibly can.  No need to waste time on pleasantries, you know how I feel about you.  You do good work, big guy.

With Christmas only a few days away, I'd like to get my requests in while your elves are still slaving away.  Here's what I need and cannot live without.  I know I can count on you.  

1. Inside scoring.  I feel pretty good about this year's version of Cowboy basketball.  They are gritty and scrappy.  For the first time since the 1970's, we even have depth.  A Christmas miracle indeed!  Yesterday's loss to Maryland doesn't concern me.  First of all, it appears by way of the eye test, Maryland is very good.  It also appears that people grow much taller on the east coast.  For reals, why was everyone on their team so tall?   Anywho, I just want to make sure we continue to have good ball movement and feed it into the post as much as possible.  Passing the ball is a good thing.  Coming out of a timeout and jacking up a long-range jumper?  Not great.  So let's just work on improving, okay?  I also wouldn't mind more rebounding.
2. Sunshine.  So, I don't know what the deal is, but there has been approximately 12 minutes of sunshine in Oklahoma the last month.  It's possible I'm exaggerating.  I cannot live life without sunshine.  Just can't do it.  It's why I moved away from Michigan.  The sun was all, "It's way too cold, bruh.  I'm out."  And I was all, "Yeah, me too."  So I'm going to go ahead and take my talents to Arizona for the holidays until the fiery ball of goodness returns for good or December 29, whichever comes first.
3. No more cowering to North Korea.  So I get it, hacking is scary.  I actually think from time to time after I hit send about how if anyone other than the intended recipient read what I just wrote my pristine reputation may be tarnished.  But come on! I watch Criminal Minds.  I say we see their threat, and raise them a Penelope Garcia.  This is freakin' America!  I know we've got our own cyber thieves lurking out there.  I mean War Games came out more than 30 years ago.  If Ferris Bueller can do it, anyone can.

And that's it!  That's my entire list.  And all of the things I'm asking for would really actually benefit all of mankind, so I'm basically like a philanthropist.

I'd also like a Burberry raincoat.  Cool?

Peace and chicken grease, 

Kathy

Bedlam #blessed

The number of happy feelings I have regarding Bedlam cannot be adequately expressed in words.  Possibly ever.  But because I'm a fighter, I'm going to try.

I'm wearing orange today.  I'll probably wear orange tomorrow too.  Might just wear it for the rest of the month.  I own enough orange items that I could probably dress in orange 45 straight days without repeating an outfit.  Oh a cold snap is on the way?  No problem, I have three orange coats.  Unseasonably warm temperatures ahead?  Great.  I've got an orange tank top for just the occasion.

My four foot tall Pistol Pete who goes in the yard on game days?  He's still out there.  Might just leave him there forever.

The Sunday sports section?  I've been carrying that around with me for two days.

I'm a happy Poke.

Watching the game with a two year old proved to be a challenge.  All was well until we scored our second touchdown of the game.  A 39-yard pass that led to me yelling...loudly.  Tiny Human was stunned.  She started to whimper, then cry, then gasp for air.  Alright, alright.  Where does this kid get such a flair for the dramatic?  After we explained that mommy was excited not mad, she pulled herself together.

At one point, OU's mascot was shown on the screen.

Tiny Human: What's that?
Kathy: That's their mascot.  The horse pig.  We hate him.
*gets the side-eye glance from Husband*
Kathy: I'm sorry, it just slipped out.
Husband: It's fine.  She has to learn eventually.

The game was moving along, there were bright moments, and some bad ones.  I was coming to grips with us losing.  It would be fine.  I was mentally prepared for this.  I have been a Cowboy fan long enough, this is not a new feeling.

And then the fourth quarter happened.   We were scoring.  We were making a comeback.  We were overcoming mistakes.  We don't do these type of things.  We never storm back.  And OU doesn't lose games like this.  And they certainly don't lose AT HOME.  And for the love of everything holy, they don't lose to OSU.  As Ben Stiller says, "No one makes me bleed my own blood!"

I didn't know this feeling.  It was a mixture of a rapid heart beat and nausea.  I was stunned into silence, until I started yelling.  Sometimes they were real words, sometimes just sounds.  Tiny Human repeatedly said, "Mommy!  Stop shouting!"  "Mommy!  You aren't supposed to yell!"  My only response was, "I have to!"  Following the touchdown that brought us to within one score and being scolded once again by my toddler, I turned to Husband and said, "You are going to need to take her to another room, because she's trying to tell me how to be a fan....AND I CAN'T HANDLE THAT RIGHT NOW!" As you can see, this is the point of the night that rationality left.

And then the punt return happened.  And I yelled louder than I ever have, while jumping up and down approximately four inches from the TV.  The only time I remember yelling even close to that loudly was during OSU vs. KU basketball games.  But in those situations, I'm surrounded by other yellers.  Saturday night, it was just me.  The lone wolf....who made her child cry TWICE during the game.

As I paced around the living room repeating to no one in particular, "I can't believe this is happening," Husband comforted our traumatized kid.  It wasn't my finest parenting moment.  When she seeks out therapy to talk about mommy's sports rage, this will be the jumping off point. *shrugs*

I have enjoyed the aftermath almost as much as the game.  I haven't had to walk anywhere, I just float.  It took me 11 solid months to get over last year's Bedlam loss.  The anger and bitterness was high, friends.  So it's nice to watch that happen to the opposing fan base.

#blessed

Good vs. Bad

It's Bedlam week y'all.  Good guys versus bad guys.  America's most beautiful shade of orange versus the color of a flesh wound.  Some might even say little brother versus big brother....but let me tell ya, ain't no way I'm ever considering a Sooner as part of my family.  You're lucky I even consider you friends (I kid, the four of you I like, know who you are).

I have to say, I'm pretty confident about this year's match up.  I feel good.  Great coaching with leadership and passion.  Toughness.  Pride in the program.  Dieringer.  Kindig.  Collica.  Oh, what's that?  You thought I was talking about football?  No, you silly head.  I'm talking about Bedlam wrestling.   Sunday.  Gallagher Iba Arena.  Mark it down, Pokes win big.

I hear there is a football match being played on Saturday too.  Let's look at what we know about that:

1. Trevor Knight is out again.  That sets up for stupid Blake Bell to be brought in during the fourth quarter to somehow come in and single-handily beat us. Again.  I believe Blake Bell to be my least favorite Sooner of all time.  He made my baby cry!  Okay, technically, that's not what happened.  But in 2012 as I watched all 9 feet 4 inches of him rumble into the endzone, I screamed, "*curse word* STOP HIM!"  And my 3 month old burst into tears.  And I thought to myself, "Cool story.  I'm a bad mom.  I'm pissed.  And OU just won.  Life is dumb."
2. Gundy won't answer any questions.  I'm not confident he's even working on plays.  It's possible he may not even show up on Saturday.  And I'm not sure that it would make much of a difference.  Somebody's got a case of the big-times.  Well, here's the deal, Gundy...don't big-time me.  Kathy doesn't have any tolerance for that.  Show a little passion, stop acting so annoyed with having to answer questions.  That is actually one of your job requirements.  So is coaching your team to win, but those are just semantics.  Also, you only get to act like Belichick if you win like Belichick.  So turn that frown upside down, pal.  Go team!
3. Apparently, OU has a player who runs a lot.  Approximately a quarter mile (thanks Google!) per game.  Super.  That sounds like it will be a fun thing to watch.  If the Sooners had any class at all, they'd let him rest his weary legs after his record-breaking performance.  But the good news?  The game should go quickly.

Now, as you are aware, I've been called irrational.  I've also been called Kathy twice this week, so everything seems to be business as usual.  But with all of this negativity that surrounds my thoughts, I do actually have a little hope.  We've got a new quarterback (maybe), and I believe that little red-nosed reindeer may be the spark we need.  To win this game, we're gonna need trickeration, luck, forced turnovers, God on our side, and a possible sporadic weather phenomenon.  But as they say at Ripley's, nothing is impossible!  Or maybe they say, believe it or not.  What's the difference?

So to Mason Rudolph, I say to you: Guide the sleigh, young man.  Guide the damn sleigh!

And as always...Go Pokes!

Irrational Kath

After watching my beloved Cowboys sputter through the first half of football with no creativity, no adjustments and no visible desire to punch the Longhorns in the mouth, I tweeted the following:

Gundy and Yurcich owe me a personal apology.  And a refund.

Who was to know that that tweet would lead to me not only being called out by a well-known OSU blogger, but also have an entire blog post dedicated to me.  I'm humbled by the attention.  My tweet was referred to "as irrational as it gets" for an OSU fan.  Wow!  Really?  I wasn't even aiming to be the top in the category, but you know sometimes you can't deny success.

See, I would consider the following more irrational:
1. Threatening players or coaches, as has been known to happen with other fan bases.
2. Call for Gundy's firing.
3. Burn my house down in anger of this season.
4. Burn your house down in anger of this season.
5. Stop attending games (which was suggested).
6. Speak in post-game press conferences about not being worried and focusing on the future.

I have to admit, I was a little surprised that this young man lacked the ability to see that I was not serious.  You know those children who are born without the ability to feel pain?  I fear maybe he was born without the ability to sense sarcasm.  And if that is the case, as Jay Z says, I feel bad for you son.

I suppose I must take this opportunity to point out that I didn't actually expect an apology and/or a refund.  First, we moved this spring and I never got around to sending out, "We've Moved!" cards, so there is a good chance he wouldn't even be able to locate me.  Second, seeing as Gundy has refused to acknowledge what a dumpster fire this season has turned into, I highly doubt my request would be acknowledged.

See, my comments stem from our fearless leader saying he was focusing on the future.  As the wise blogger pointed out, if you went to see a movie and didn't enjoy it, would you ask for a refund from the producers?  Well, to be perfectly honest, I had no idea this was an option.  Is this on the table?  Because I went to see Fear.com in 2002, and I'm still mad about it.  Had I known that I could contact the director/producer, I might have done this.

Let's just go with his example though.  Let's say I went to my favorite restaurant and ordered chicken parm.  And what was delivered to me was a piece of chicken that was still frozen in the middle with bread crumbs thrown on at the last minute, surely I would protest.  And the waiter might say, "Yeah, the outside parts of the chicken are cooked and we're really excited about what's on the menu for Friday.  It's gonna be great."  And I'd probably respond, "But I didn't pay for Friday night's dinner, I'd like for tonight's product to be edible."  And the watier would be all, "Yeah, the head chef, he's new.  But he used to make grilled cheese at his apartment and it was amazing, so he's the right man for the job."  And I'd be all, "That's a convicining resume.  Why don't you go ahead and apply my bill to Friday, I'll come back for that."  And then we'd high five and everything would be solved.

Really, what I was looking for was an apology ala Tim Tebow in 2008 following Florida's loss to Ole Miss.  Or even something close to what Eddie Sutton used to do.  On more than one occassion, the first thing out of his mouth was an apology to the fans, because "they deserve better."

I'm disgruntled.  And it's my right as a fan to be that way.  And it's my right as a Kathy, to be sarcastic about it.  You don't have to agree with me, that's cool.  But don't troll me, bro.  It's bad form.

This is exhausting

Guys, I'm tired.  Like, really exhausted.  How much, you may ask?  Well, last night I had a dream I was going to prom.  I had decided that I would wear a tuxedo top and jeans.  Apparently, in my dreams I am the 1996 version of Garth Brooks at the Grammy's.  I woke up and realized, there is no analyzing to be done, I'm just going crazy.

So what could be causing these elevated levels of sleepies?  I see two possible answers.

First, my tiny human wears me out.  Let me go ahead and cut you off at the pass before you tell me that your 2/3/4 kids make you more tired than me.  Cool story.  This isn't a competition.  And this is my blog, and we're talking about me.  And right now the two year old I live with is exhausting.  On Saturday, Husband snuck away to watch the Sundevils with some friends leaving just us girls to our own devices at home.  And let me just tell you, one-on-one time is like being in the throws of a Congressional hearing.  So. Many. Questions.  Luckily, I'm quick on my feet, so if I don't know the answer, I just make one up.  By the time Husband got home, I looked at him and said, "I can literally not answer one more question.  Not one."  Then we took a family adventure to Sam's.  Started off with Tiny Human marching up and down the aisles yelling, "Look at all of this!  It's amazing!" About 30 minutes in, the interpretive song and dance portion of the program began.  It was a combination of spinning, downward dog, Jesus Loves Me, and a song about colors in Spanish.  As I watched her roll on the floor while belting out, "Yes!  Jesus loves me and Christmas trees have lights!" I thought to myself, "this is what you deserve, Kath."

I think, however, that my real exhaustion stems for Kirk Herbstreit.  Or as my brother likes to call him, Herb Herbstreit.  I just can't take him anymore.  On Saturday, prior to kickoff, he referred to Arizona State as the most overrated team in the nation.  Following their convincing win against Notre Dame, he called the Sundevils "trendy" and then pointed out that they got beat badly by UCLA and only beat USC because of a Hail Mary.  He then went on to subtly try to convince me that Ohio State was the most deserving new member to the top four.  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Your bias is starting to show.  And no, I'm not talking about SEC bias, I'm talking specifically about your bias against me.

Lest we forget about his blatant hatred of Oklahoma State in 2011.  Remember your sound reasoning that the Pokes couldn't play for the national championship?  We didn't deserve it because we had a bad loss, remember.  Well, I've got two words for you Herbie:  Virginia. Tech.  Your beloved Buckeyes got beat by a craptastic Va Tech team that may not even finish with a winning record.  Bad loss.  Terrible loss.  And if it's enough to keep my Cowboys out, your stupid Buckeyes should stay home too.  And no, you can't change your mind.  No take backs.

Kirk Herbstreit exists on this earth to make me mad and talk noise about teams I like.  I knew he couldn't be trusted when he continued to tell me Mike Stoops was a great coach.  Keep it up, pretty boy and I'll arrange to have you put into a room with Tiny Human and 1,000 items she's never seen before.  She will Guantanamo your ass and bring you to your knees with her questioning.  

Fly on the Wall

Look people, I'm thin on material.  It's a sad state of affairs around here.  I don't really have any opinions to give on OSU football.  Project Runway has come to an end.  Election season is complete.  I really am left with very little to evaluate.  I guess I could tell you about the latest New Yorker article I read about a Mexican lucha libre wrestler who wears no mask and dresses in drag, but let's just save that gem for another day.

Instead, I'm going to let you peak inside recent conversations at our house.

The Setting: Last night as I'm trying figure out what I'm going to wear to an event.

Kathy: The dress for this is "snappy casual."  I don't really know what that means....but I don't think I have anything that fits that description.
Husband: Yeah.  You have more of a "mom wardrobe."
Kathy: (snapping head  around): WHAT?!
Husband: *silence*
Kathy: What does that mean?!
Husband: You know, like work clothes.
Kathy: I feel a lot of anger towards you right now.
Husband: Yeah, I kind of figured.  *walks away*

I can't even put into words how offended I was/am/always will be.

The Setting: Sitting down to dinner and the television is on ESPN with some sort of NBA analysis going on.

Tiny Human: Who's that?  What's that name?
Me: That is John Anderson, Chauncey Billups, and George Karl.
Tiny Human: He's a turtle!
Me: You think George Karl looks like a turtle?
Tiny Human: Yeah!
Me: I'm not going to disagree with that assessment.

See for yourself.

The Setting:Talking about the big game this weekend, pitting the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame versus the Arizona State Sun Devils.   The Catholics versus the Horned Ones.

Husband: A lot of people are talking about how this really is a big game, in so many ways.  Like it could be a defining moment.
Kathy: It definitely could be
Husband: And you know, ASU has the tendency to falter in the spotlight.
Kathy: Yeah, I'm afraid this might be a pile of poo.
Husband: *stares back at me*
Kathy: *smiling* I'm just a mom, what do I know?

Don't worry though, I'll be cheering on the Sun Devils tomorrow while wearing sensible shoes, a ribbed sweater and mom jeans....which are apparently back in style.

Happy Weekend, Go Devils!

Let's Take a Quiz

Hey!  Did you know it's election day?  No?  You must not be on any social media at all, because the 77 pictures of the "I Voted" stickers should have tipped you off.  And for the record, I have a cousin who voted in Las Vegas, where I think they officially call it "Doubling Down Day," and she got a big awesome circle sticker.  I would like to file a referendum for fancier/bigger voting stickers.  And if they could be scratch-and-sniff, I would be especially thankful.  I think they should smell like hot dogs.  Or bourbon.

Anyway, in true Kathy form, I took a "Who should you vote for?" quiz after I cast my ballot.  Good news: I apparently voted exactly in line with my beliefs.  Yay me!  (The quiz was on www.isidewith.com and I highly recommend it, if you don't know where you stand on things. Or you are like me and you take online quizzes just for funsies.)

That quiz got me in the mood to quiz myself for today's blog.  Switch it up a little.  Unleash the creativity.  Follow along, you can take the quiz too if you'd like....fun fact: I wrote the whole thing, so there are no wrong answers.  Today, you are a winner!

What has been the highlight of OSU football season so far?
A. The chrome helmets
B. There are only three more games to suffer through.
C. The moral victory versus Florida State.
D. The weather has been really nice for home games.

Tough choice on this one, but I think I'm going with A.  D comes in a close second.

What are you looking forward to most about this weekend?
A. Arizona State has a good chance to beat Notre Dame.
B. The Cowboys don't play, so we're guaranteed not to lose this weekend.
C. Spending quality time with the family.
D. There is still pumpkin beer in the fridge.

I choose E.  All of the above.

What have you learned this week?
A. That intrical is not a word.
B. That Butterfinger cups are the most delicious food to ever exist.
C. That you still don't know the difference between all the different Cromartie's in the NFL. #whosetheonewithallthekids
D.  That your kid possibly knows more Spanish than you do.

Trick question!  I actually learned all of these things this week.  But B and D were probably the most significant.

Now that campaign season has come to a close in Oklahoma, what do we have to look forward to?
A. Truck month!  (I just assume every month is truck month)
B. A nip in the air...and by nip, I mean 30 mile per hour gusts that knock you down.
C. College basketball season starts.
D. Thanksgiving.

This was a no-brainer.  D. Thanksgiving for the win, and all the things that come with it.  The turkey-induced sleepies, stretchy pants, and sweet potato casserole that I present as a side dish, but it's really just desert you get to eat early.

So how'd you do?  I'll go ahead and tally up those results for you and provide fascinating insight ala Buzzfeed.  Based on your answers, I'll probably be able to tell you what kind of pastry you are (doughnut), your dream job (actuary), and city you were meant to live in (Hoboken).  Tada!  Easy at sweet potato casserole.

Stop it

I mean, whatever.  Football is stupid and I hate sports.  Bring on basketball season.  Oh, what's that?  Phil Forte is in a walking boot?  Yes, I did see that on Friday night.  It made me super happy and excited.  I also had the same feelings when I saw the preseason college basketball poll. Stupid Kansas is just going to keep being great and stupid OU is ranked #15.  Good for them for hiring a sound coach who's likable.  That doesn't bother me, AT ALL.

Oh and I don't know if you guys have heard, but my fantasy football team is currently down 112 points.  Gonna need a real big night out of Dez Bryant.  Like, he's gonna need to throw the ball to himself and then run for 90 yards for a touchdown. I'm then going to need him to kick the ensuing extra point.  Then he's gonna need to take a quick Gatorade break, hop back out there on defense and sack whoever is quarterbacking for Washington these days seven or eight times, each time causing a fumble and picking that bad boy up and returning it for a touchdown. Don't forget about the extra points!  And if he could do that five or six times, I'm back in the game.

As my "friend" who is shamelessly beating me continued to rack up points, he started to text me.  Letting me know how great his team is and how pathetic mine is.  My only response was to tell him he had the wrong number.  Each time, I would reply, "I'm sorry.  I don't know who this is.  You have the wrong number."  It was my hope, that just for a second, he thought maybe he did have the wrong number.  I see your immaturity, and I raise you a denial.

Speaking of denial, let's get to the real meat and potatoes of this blog....OSU football.  Raise your hand if you are ready for the season to be over.  If your hand isn't raised, it's because you live in Mississippi or are a masochist.    I saw that Gundy said he understood the fans' frustration, but he's looking at the big picture. And by "big picture," I assume you mean 2015?  So we should all collectively quit together?  Super.  How about this....how about you apologize to the fans who show up and watch that bad product?  How about you donate the rest of this season's salary to a worthy cause?  Or maybe four different worthy causes for every game you are focused more on the big picture rather than getting our skulls bashed in in the present.  It doesn't even appear that anyone is trying.  Tyreek Hill may still be trying, but it's hard to know since he is hardly used.

I made the mistake of reading internet comments after the game.  Lots of people proudly shouting, "Win or lose, I still love the Cowboys!"  "Don't be a bandwagon fan, support them no matter what!"  Whatever, people.  What.  Ever.  The way I see it, watching this team is like watching my kid poop on the floor.  It's gross.  And I don't enjoy it.  Will I still love her if she poops on the floor?  Of  course I will.  Do I have to accept it?  No I do not.  It's my right as a fan, to expect men who are making hundreds of thousands of dollars to do their jobs better.  It doesn't make me a bad fan, it makes me someone with high expectations.

So Mike Yurcich....stop pooping on the floor.

Letters: Mining for Caramel on Homecoming Weekend

So many topics to cover today, kids.  Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

Dear Sports Illustrated,

Nanny nanny boo boo, you big jerks.  I felt happy earlier this week when it was announced that every single part of the five-part expose you published last year was false.  I felt happy, and then I felt annoyed.  Why weren't you commenting? Where was the exhaustive coverage?  This was a big-time story when you thought we were Scrooge McDucking it and swimming in gold coins.  Remember when you couldn't believe kids were drinking bleach to pass drug tests (I couldn't believe that either)?  Where is the vindication?  Where's the, "Oopsie whoopsie, looks like we might have been wrong?"  I try hard not to troll the internet.  Try being the key word.  But you really put me to the test SI.  I limited myself to one snippy tweet and moved on.  Because the thought of Thayer Evans' crunchy hair hitting the pillow and him thinking, "My God, I'm as big of an idiot as they say," made me feel at peace.

A plague on both your houses, 

Kathy
----------

Dear Homecoming Festivities,

I'm so happy you are here.  I love Homecoming.  I know you are the best homecoming in the world.  It's a scientific fact, I even asked a scientist.  Just kidding, the only scientist friend I have is an OU fan, so she can't be trusted.  I'm excited to go to walkaround tonight and see all the chicken wire and tissue paper.  I can't wait to get lots of dirty looks from people who hate strollers and babies.  I used to be one of those people, so it's super fun that life has come full circle.  When I told Tiny Human that we were going to a parade, she shouted, "Birthday cake!"  And let me just say, I'm stoked for this new addition to the homecoming traditions.  I love cake.  

Forever Orange,

Kath
---------

Dear Fall,

I'd like to make a formal request that we change the flavor of fall from pumpkin spice to salted caramel.  It tastes better.  And it is more inclusive for those of us who don't like vegetables.  I can say unequivocally, that I would eat trash if it was salted caramel flavored.  Should I forward this letter on to the Governor?  Michelle Obama?  Who handles things like this?

Yum yum, give me some,

K-Dogg
-------
Dear New Yorker Magazine,

I have to say, you've outdone yourself with your article about the Chilean miners in the July 7th issue.  I'm sure you are wondering why I'm so far behind in my reading.  This is directly tied to the fact that all of your articles are 700 pages long and it takes me a while.  Deal.  Anywho, this is by far the best article I've ever read.  What a story of perseverance.  I truly believe that every person should read this. It's phenomenal.  As I was reading it at the gym, with tears in my eyes, so moved by the men in the story, it took all of my strength not to turn to the guy who grunts and clanks the weights together and yell, "This is so f-ing inspirational!"  I've never read anything that makes me want to high five everyone more than this did.

Bravo!

K
-------

Dear Football Team,

Score touchdowns. Win. 

Smooches,

KHR

All the feelings

Today's blog is inspired by the Tiny Human, who managed to show ALL of the feelings this weekend.  Every single one.  No stone unturned.  If she were an actress, and I'm not so sure she's not, this would have easily been considered her greatest performance to date.  Bravo!  A curtain call, indeed.

So let's go through the litany of feelings I've experienced since Saturday.

Happy.

Tiny Human often sings a song from daycare that goes something like this, "Hot dogs today!  Hot dogs today!  We are so happy, hot dogs today!"  And she genuinely seems really happy.  Clapping.  Talking about whatever food is on the menu.  I felt the same happy feels watching OU lose.  My heart felt full.  And you can tell me that type of behavior is petty. Well you can just call me Bryce, cause it felt good.  I especially liked how silent the crowd was.

All of the bad feelings.

I then knew I had approximately 20 minutes before I would no longer be happy.  OSU "played" TCU on Saturday afternoon.  I use quotes because while yes, technically, we were on the field, I don't really think the same amount of effort was being put forth from both teams.  Follow this graphic (that I made all by myself!) as a chart of how my mood changed throughout the game.

I don't claim to be an offensive coordinator.  I actually have no experience in it at all.  But two plays doesn't seem to be getting the job done.  This ain't Tecmo Bowl, son.  Let's get creative.  If you are getting paid per touchdown produced, you are literally stealing money.

For the most part, I feel frustrated with the state of OSU football.  I feel like we are reverting to our old selves.  Like someone who got gastric bypass 5 years ago...the weight is slowly coming back on.  Can't someone slap that doughnut out of our hands?

Happy Again.

The Sundevils won again.  You probably missed that news because they like to play football in the middle of the night.  And that makes me feel tired.  But mainly I was happy, because their handsome quarterback led them to victory against the smarty pants Stanford trees.  Hooray!  It's nice to have a winner to cheer for.

All of the good feels.

Watching Peyton Manning break the touchdown record on Sunday night got me right in the feels.  He's so great.  I tweeted about him being the best.  Hashtag: thebest.  And I lost a follower.  That made me feel confused. Who doesn't like Peyton Manning?  Terrorist.

Then I got sad feelings because they pulled him from the game.  And I have him on my fantasy team.  And I'm playing Husband this week.  And I need all of the points.  Dumb Brock Osweiler brings nothing to the table for me.  I booed.  That made Husband feel disappointed in me.  And frankly, I don't care.

The Opposite of Surprised.

I found out that two OSU players were arrested for falling asleep in their car while waiting in the Whataburger drive through.  Whatever the opposite of stunned/surprised is, that's what I felt.  First of all, drinking till your sleepy is the appropriate way to react to getting so badly whipped.  Second, the line at Whataburger is so long.  I'm guessing they ordered the delicious chicken fingers.  Those suckers take like 15 minutes.  Hashtag: notworthit.

Optimistic.

I feel hopeful that we will beat West Virginia this weekend.   I also feel hopeful that I will win the lottery and become besties for the resties with Kevin Durant.

Remember when

Remember when I used to write blogs on a regular basis?  Those were the days.  Let's jump back into it and dedicate the rest of October to things that smell or taste like pumpkin and Kathy writing on a more consistent basis.  Pumpkin spice room spray for everyone!  (I actually made that purchase yesterday.  Fall is about to go down in our house).

So, let's take a moment to reflect back on things I might have been right or wrong about in regards to college football...

Remember when I said the state of Mississippi was only valuable for their mudpies?  It appears I might have been wrong.  Which is super annoying.  Or as the Mississippians say, daggum 'noying.  I actually have no idea how people from Mississippi talk.  I met Dan Mullen years ago, but he's not actually from there, so I have no frame of reference.  So, let me take this moment to apologize to all the people in the Magnolia State for doubting your football teams.  *shrugs* I didn't know what I was talking about.  Also, let me take this opportunity that warn you, that when an idiot with stupid hair shows up asking questions and holding his phone out, that is Thayer Evans and he wants to know how you pulled a Drake.  Do I need to explain that?  Drake started from the bottom, now he's here.  Actually he started at Degrassi Community School, which is basically the bottom.

Whatever.  Hail State.

Remember when I said that I was tired of hearing that Texas was back?  That's because they're not.  Nope.  They literally outplayed OU in every aspect of the game, minus penalties and the genius decision to kick off to Alex Ross, and still lost.  I don't have the stats in front of me, but it was something to the effect of Texas 799 yards offense, Oklahoma 12.  AND THEY STILL LOST.  That's incredible.  Actually, when you think about it, it's impressive.

Let's all just address the burnt orange elephant in the room...the Longhorn Network was a deal with the devil.  You signed over your soul, and you must suffer for the rest of eternity.  *shrugs again* It didn't have to be this way.

All of that being said, they will probably beat my Cowboys.  Leading me to my last reflection of the day...

Remember when I said I had great trepidation about this season.  It seems as though those fears had merit.  Let me refresh your memory:

Kathy was all: I don't think we are going to be very good.  I bet we lose 7 games.
Everyone else was all: You're a bad fan!  Go Pokes!  Ride 'Em Cowboys!  Tyreek Hill is super fast.
And Kathy was all: Ummm, okay.  But seriously, our Offensive Coordinator is from Shippensburg State.  AND THAT'S NOT A REAL STATE!
And everyone else was all: It's Shippensburg University, not State.  You don't know anything.
And Kathy's all: Whatever.  I'm pretty sure they play 8-man football.

And then the Florida State game happened, and I had a renewed sense of faith. And then our quarterback got his leg amputated (no one knows what really happened, because our program is clouded in mystery).  And we have seemed to regress with each game since.  I read a Dean Koontz book like this once, and if we continue to follow this pattern, we will be maniacal lizards at the end of this season.  And that's not good.

I have more questions than answers with this team.  But these are the things I know: the chrome helmets are awesome and Tyreek Hill is in fact crazy fast.  Things that appear to be so: our offensive line doesn't seem to be getting any better and the offensive playbook doesn't seem to be expanding.  If you throw all those things into a crazy math machine, it spits out: it's gonna be a long two months.

I hope I'm wrong.  And if I am, I'll gladly eat crow...pumpkin-spiced of course.  With a side of Mississippi mudpie.

Letters: She's not even that pretty

Sometimes I roll my eyes so hard, I give myself a headache.  This is my current state when talking college football.  I'm having lots of "oh come on" and "puh-lease!" moments.  I've reached maximum capacity on annoyance.  Let's delve in and see what all the fuss is about, shall we?

Dear Oregon,

STOP LOSING TO ARIZONA!  I am having a hard time putting together the right words to express my annoyance with you.  Quit it.  They aren't even good.  I mean, if you want to lose to an Arizona school, lose to the Sundevils.  Arizona can't even decide if their mascot is a boy or girl, so they have one of each.  Does that sound like a school that deserves a "big win"?  No it does not. Also, you are hurting my credibility when I continue to tout the strength of the PAC 12.  You've upset me.  Again.

For the love of Quackers!

Kathy

Dear College Football Pollsters, 

Okay, as much as this pains me to say, I assume that with dumb Arizona's big win, they will appear in the top 15 next week.  That is the formula, right?  Unranked/unbeaten team beats top 10 team and then vaults into relevancy?  Because that's what happened with Mississippi State.  Never did it occur to anyone that maybe LSU is just having a down year and they might have been overrated to start the season.  Nope.  If one SEC team beats another, it means the conference is stacked.  So much talent. Hashtag: eye roll.

You know what your behavior reminds me of?  When one popular high school boy decides that some random girl is hot.  And then all of a sudden, everyone thinks she's hot.  And then everyone wants to date her.  And I'm over here saying, "Seriously?  Just because Joe Bob Quarterback thinks she's hot, everyone else does too?  SHE'S NOT EVEN THAT PRETTY!"  And are we sure we should follow his judgement?  He's flunking geometry, and that's by far the easiest math.  As Sara Rue once said in Can't Hardly Wait: you're all sheep.

I clearly see through your ruse,

KHR

Dear State of Mississippi,

I'm looking forward to after this weekend not having to pretend like we should care about anything that comes out of Mississippi, except for you mudpies.  Worth noting, I actually have nothing against the state itself. I hear the coast is beautiful.  I just hate the love affair with the SEC.  Someone's got to be the martyr, Mississippi.  No hard feelings.

Lylas,

Kath

Dear University of Michigan,

There's this phrase, "dumpster fire," you might be familiar with seeing as you are the home to Detroit.  (I kid...but I saw 8 Mile, I know what I'm talking about).  I'd say dumpster fire is an adequate term for the current state of affairs with your program.  As someone with absolutely no invested interest, I'm enjoying the show.  So keep it up!  Protest, march, band together!  You guys should plan a protest under the giant Las Vegas message board.  Oh, what's that?  It was causing people to crash their cars because it was so distracting?  Anyway, you guys get together, before it starts snowing, which should be any day now, and march to demand change.

I even have a chant for you.  It's Pure Michigan, if I do say so myself.  "Geez o' Petes!  Fill the seats!"

You're welcome and bundle up!

A former resident

I feel better now that I got all that off my chest.  As always, Go Pokes!

It's All About Commitment

The word for today is commitment.  Actually, I have several random observations to make, and I needed a way to tie it all together.  I'm committed to finding a common link.

So let's take a look at a few recent goings on that I have witnessed that really express commitment as I see it.

Commitment to Self.  Saw a guy driving on his hog recently and his head was tattooed.  Flames on either side of his head.  Like horns, but not. Bet his friends call him "Ol' Fire Head." I mean, when you make that decision, to tattoo your head, you're really committing.  I've also encountered another man several days in a row in the stairwell of the parking garage.  I can't be sure, but it seems as if he might be living there.  What I can be sure of is that he is committed to smoking.  A lot.  Like possibly two packs at once.  I know this because he's always burning a heater when I pass him at 7:30 a.m. and there are approximately 74 cigarette butts surrounding him, which if I did my math right, is more than two packs.  Anyway, as the hip hop artists like to say, "you be you."

Commitment to Beauty.   This of course was witnessed last night when I laid my eyes upon the

most beautiful football helmet ever to be worn at the Oklahoma State game.  Chrome.  Giant Pistol Pete.  Shininess.  Pure beauty.  All of my thumbs are up.  Well done.  You know who doesn't have a commitment to beauty?  Arizona State.  Fire helmets are a bad look.  A very bad look.  It's like a cross between melted butter and one of those tiger-eye marbles (nice reference, Kathy.  You clearly just celebrated your 80th birthday).  Who has ever said, "You know what would be awesome?  If we made it look like our heads were engulfed in flames."  No one said that, unless they were under the influence of bath salts.  Cut 'em lose and set 'em free, Sundevils.  They are ugly and they are bad luck.  I'm convinced they are the reason you lost last night.  That and the complete and total lack of defense.

Commitment to Your Job.  The officials in the OSU vs. Texas Tech game were committed.  Come hell or high water, they were going to throw those little yellow flags.  What's that?  The defender tripped over his own feet?  FLAG.  The defender tackled the ball carrier?  FLAG.  The opposing coach is seducing me with his bedroom eyes?  FLAG.   In total, there were 26 flags thrown.  That works out to 2.3 per minute of play.  I was asked by a friend what the record for most flags thrown in a game is, and Husband swooped in and answered for me.  He has a commitment to interrupting and story-stealing.  He says 36 is the record.  He didn't cite his source, so who knows.  I can't find it through different searches, so I give up.  Let's just say 26.  The record was set last night.  The end.  Well done, zebras!

Commitment to Under Performing.  This would be both of my fantasy football teams.  Through three weeks of play in two leagues, I have managed to compile one win.  That means I'm currently sitting at a 16% winning percentage.  I'm the Idaho of fantasy football.  Magic 8 ball says outlook is cloudy for this week too...because I started stupid Kirk Cousins.  Cool story, bro.  Four interceptions.  That, my friend, is a commitment to pissing me off.

I'll dive more into the enigma that is Cowboy football early next week.  Right now, I'm committing myself to sleep, wine, and finding inner peace with the suckdom that is my fantasy football season.   You're either in or you're out. And I'm totally in.

Pinterest: I love you. I hate you. But mostly, I hate you.

Today is my Tiny Human's birthday.  She is two.  Seems like just yesterday I was thinking to myself, "I'm not mature enough to be a parent."  (Confession: that was just yesterday).  And according to script, I am currently in the throws of the irrational stress of throwing a birthday party.  Lord help me if I make it through Saturday.

Like all good moms, I turned to Pinterest for my inspiration.  Before I get into my hate of the website of the devil, I should state that I actually think Pinterest is genius.  Because I was the person clipping things out of magazine before and had binders of "ideas."  And now the internet is organizing my clutter.  Thanks internet!  Thanks Al Gore!  (I cannot explain why I keep mentioning AG in my blogs).

Here's the problem with Pinterest....I have a false sense of self and Pinterest makes me believe that I can make anything.

Let me walk you through my latest Pinterest project....

I searched and searched and pinned and pinned birthday party ideas.  I settled on a cowgirl themed party.  I figured this was probably the last party I would get to choose the theme, so I went with what I wanted.  I'm selfish.  You need to just get over that.  And it gave me the excuse to buy tiny pink cowboy boots, so it was a win-win situation.

Through my internet searching, I found these cute homemade stick horses.  I read the comments, and all 45 rave about how easy this project is.  One mom goes so far to say, "These are so cute and so easy!  Perfect for a mom who can't sew, like me!"  Well holy crap, that sounds just like me.  Sign me up.

I buy all the accoutrements and am ready to roll.  I will be able to knock these bad boys out in a night, Maybe two

Step 1: Stuff sock with polyfill.

This is super easy.  I nail this part.  I basically owned step 1.

Step 2. Sew on nose and mouth with knitting needle.

How am I supposed to do that?  She says it so matter-of-factly, it can't be hard.  Hey Husband, will you YouTube "how to use a knitting needle?"  Hmmm, that doesn't help either.  How the eff am I supposed to get this stupid mouth attached?  Why aren't there more instructions?  I thought this was supposed to be easy!

I then proceed to yell at Husband, you know because it was his idea to make the damn horses and all, "Just turn off the video!  It's not working!  THROW EVERYTHING AWAY!"

It is immediately decided that I should walk away from the project for the night.

The next morning I realize that while the instructions say "knitting needle," the picture shows a "crochet hook."  I clearly have bought the wrong instrument.  Back to Walmart.

Okay, now I have a crochet hook as pictured.  Hmmmm, nope.  That's not working either.  WHY IS THIS SO HARD? What am I going to do now?  Oh, what's that?  It's supposed to rain on Saturday?  I have no activities.  And no stupid stick horses.  Maybe  we just won't answer the door. Maybe everyone will think they got the wrong day.  I will never throw a birthday party again.

I send a few frantic emails to a friend who is crafty.  She is my only hope.  I need her to tell me how to solve the problem.  She confirms my suspicion that the instructions are stupid, which makes me feel better, but doesn't get me any closer to making the horse.

I make a last ditch effort and go buy a needle made for yarn.  I've gone rogue.  I'm Robert Frosting this shit and going off road.  I have a Master's degree for God's sake, I will master this horse.

Step 3. Have a glass of wine.

At this point, I'm completely improvising.

Step 2 (again).  Sew on mouth and nose with your new fancy yarn needle.

Tada!  It worked.  And the rest actually was easy.  Kind of.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the finished product.

You may notice a few things in this picture.

• An unmade bed and dirty clothes on the ground.  I don't have time to make the bed or pick up my clothes because I've devoted all my free time to making these godforsaken stick horses.
• The horse doesn't have ears.  While I have been to Target, WalMart, and Michael's 19 times this week, I can't remember to buy felt.  He may or may not get ears.  At this point, I could care less.

My timeline was a bit off.  It took three days to complete one horse.  But now that I know what I'm doing, I should be able to knock the rest out in a relatively quick manner, and Husband shouldn't get yelled at for his lack of knowledge of looping yarn on knitting needles.  

After this test of my fortitude, I came to the stark realization that Pinterest is full of lies.  90 ways to tie a scarf and millions of lies.  It's never as easy as they say it's going to be.  Ever.  And it's full of ringers.  Normal people aren't coming up with this stuff.  People who have a freakish ability to make crafty crap are pretending to be normal and tricking the rest of us into thinking we can do it too.  

These people are being paid for their ability to make this cute stuff.  You know how much I got paid?  Nothing.  All I got out of the deal was two knitting needles and a crochet hook that will never be used again. That and the satisfaction of knowing I won.

That being said, I'm willing to sell you a custom-,made stick horse for the bargain price of $300.  I will also throw in a signed copy of this blog so you can know how much went into making it.

On to the next one.  Giddy up.

That is information I do not have

It has come to my attention that I may not know everything.  I can tell by your reaction that you are as surprised as I am.  It's okay, we can get through this together.

While I pride myself in having lots of useless knowledge, it seems like I might need brush up on a few topics.  The following conversations exposed my lack of knowledge on two different topics.

Sunday before the first NFL game of the day:

Husband: I don't even know who the backup running back is in Minnesota.
Kathy: Don't ask me.  I can name a grand total of two players for the Vikings.  And Adrian Peterson is one of them.  Kevin Williams is the other.
Husband: Kevin Williams doesn't play for them anymore.
Kathy: Okay, I can name one player on that team.
*Husband goes into the office, looks up roster, starts reading off players.
Kathy: Let me go ahead and stop you.  I should have been more clear.  I don't care who plays for the Vikings.  

A few weeks ago after the Tony Stewart incident.

Kathy: You know, I really don't know anything about NASCAR.  I think I could only name a few drivers.
Husband: Same here.
Kathy: Tony Stewart...Dale Earnhardt...Jimmy Johnson...Cole Trickle
Husband: I don't think the last one counts
Kathy: Depends on who you ask.  Rubbin' is racin', ya know?
Husband: Let me out of the car, Cole!  (in Australian accent)
(we really should take our show on the road.  High comedy at all times)

I also don't really know much about OSU.   I don't know why JW Walsh was sitting on top of the stadium on Saturday night.  According to the depth chart that was released on Saturday, he was still listed as a potential starter.  I suppose sitting on top of the stadium is our new "bullpen."  Very innovative.  When it's time for him to come in, we send him a bat signal and he parachutes down.  What I do know (now) is that the man who sits in front of us at the games does not appreciate one tiny bit criticism of Walsh.  Noted.  Please accept my half-hearted apology, sir.

I don't know if we will be any good.  I don't know if the receivers will be able catch what Double X throws them or not.  I don't know how we will stack up against the rest of the Big XII.  I don't know if running it up the middle three downs in a row will start to work....just kidding.  I do know the answer to that one.  It won't.

So check back with me in October, maybe I'll be smarter then.

Until then, I'd like to share with you a revelation that occurred last week.  Remember a couple of posts ago when I told you all about how I get phrases wrong?  Well, I know where that comes from.  Husband.  He gets things not quite right all the time.   Like, he's in the ballpark, but not hitting home runs.  Need an example?  I'm happy to provide one.

I'll give him an A for effort.  Nickname definitely came from a movie about "blades."  One stars Billy Bob Thorton  The other stars Arnold Schwarzenegger.  What's that?  He's not in that movie?  Please add, "facts about Blade Runner" to the list of things I don't know anything about.

So. Many. Questions.

Okay people, I will keep this short.  I've got things to do.  I'm sure you do as well.  Here are a couple of questions that I need immediate answers to...

When will America's Got Talent end?  For the love of everything holy, how long will this show go on?  I feel like it has been on my whole life.  Every night.  Every single time I turn on the TV, there is Nick Cannon wearing a suit made of disco balls or flamingo feathers.  Make it stop.  And can we change the name to America's Got "Talent"?  Kind of like Dancing with the "Stars."  Both words are pretty subjective.  If I have to see that weird little girl in glasses sing one more power ballad, I may just lose it.  I may just go ham.

How old is too old to use the phrase "going ham"?  Asking for a friend.

What is wrong with people who call "The Rant?"  The local news here has this horrible, horrible segment every night where they pose a question to their viewers and ask them to text or call in with their opinions. Usually the questions are something like, "Washington politicians hate freedom and bald eagles.  Do you think it's okay to take away your freedom?"  Or "People in California support gay marriage.  Do you think this means someone will make you marry a same sex partner? Are you okay with it?"   Or "A mom in Vermont doesn't want people to have guns around her children.  Are you okay with the government taking all your guns away and using them against you?"  It truly brings out the worst.  Usually, I change the channel immediately.  Ignorance is bliss, people.  And the less ridiculous opinions I hear on the Rant, the happier I am with the current state of things in Oklahoma.  The other night, Husband and I had a deep conversation about The Rant.  (We were both sick and sleeping on different ends of the house, in case you were wondering why we were texting each other.)

Why is local sports media trying to convince me that the OU and OSU games are "big" games?  They aren't.  Tennessee is a shell of their former selves.  It's like meeting Alicia Silverstone...now.  Kinda cool.  Would have been a whole lot cooler in the 90s.  This is not a big deal.  Only a big deal if OU poops down their leg and doesn't blow them out.  Come on, now.  And if I have to hear one more time that UTSA is the most experienced team in college football, I will change the channel and watch Nick Cannon on America's Got "Talent."  You know what else?  They lost, at home, to a crappy Arizona team.  Arizona literally walked over and said, "Here, you guys take this game.  We want you to have it."  And UTSA is all, "Nah.  We're good."  If we lose to the roadrunners...well, then our coaches aren't worth a flip.  Drumming up hype that isn't really there....that's so raven.

Why did I end that last paragraph that way?  I have no idea.

Letters: Two X's and such

Dear Daxx Garman,

I see you.  With your two X's.  I assume they stand for your arm being two times stronger than Walsh's.  Too soon?  I never wish for injury, unless it's the opposing team, so I was sad to see Walsh go down.  I feel bad for him.  It's been a rough go.  But moving on... I'm in on team Daxx.  I don't know why there are two X's in your name, and frankly I don't care as long as you keep slinging the ball down the field.

Just win baby,

Kathy

Dear Guy at the Gym,

I know you are working hard on getting swole.  Your tight tank top and determined look told me so.  But the panting and the grunting... it's too much.  It takes every bit of self control for me not to turn around and tell you that I think you might be overexerting yourself.  Take it down a notch or seven.  Maybe you don't have to rep it out.  As to the other guy who eats peanut butter sandwiches in the corner, I don't understand you, but that's okay.  You just keep up your committment to protein during your workout.

Shhhhhh,

Kath

Dear Brandon Pettigrew,

You know that ol' Chinese Proverb, if you love someone let them go?  Possibly not Chinese and probably not about Fantasy Football, but I think it applies to us.  After drafting you in at least one league every year since your rookie debut, I had to set you free.  Fly little dove, fly.  I want to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your breakout season, because I know that is what will happen.  You're welcome, Lions fans.  I did this for you.

May your rock hands tranform to huge sticky mits,

KHR

A moral victory, but I digress.

Do you guys ever misuse phrases?  I'm starting to realize that I misuse a lot of phrases.  In my old age, I'm morphing into the bartender from Boondock Saints. I ended a long email rant the other day with, "but I digress."  I then started to think, "I'm not sure I used that correctly."  I often use this phrase to end impassioned soliloquies.  Kind of a "and that's what I think about that!" or "this is Kathy, signing off."  And it seems, that "I digress" doesn't mean either of these things.  I gathered from my extensive internet research (Urban Dictionary and Wikipedia) that it actually means, "I've gotten off topic, so let's refocus."  Here's the ironic thing: I get off topic ALL THE TIME.  You'd think I would know the proper phrasing for my condition.  I just needed to get that off my chest.  A little confession before we get to the meat of the story. Moving on...

As I watched the Oklahoma State game last Saturday, I could feel a pool of water gathering at my feet.  It wasn't because I peed my pants, it was the ice melting from my cold heart.  Alas!  There is hope after all.  After my last doom-and-gloom post about my bad attitude toward expectations of the season, I got several private messages telling me to shape up or ship out.

Well, don't worry friends.  Optimistic Kath is back. Sure, I suffered some regression and reverted to the 1990s Cowboy fan inside all of us.  I expected humiliation.  I anticipated disgust.  But the 'Boys came to play.  Could it be that we've cleared that hurdle?  Maybe the days of saying, "Oh well, there's always basketball season," are over.  Let's be honest, I'm the only one who still says that anyway.

I started thinking, maybe we've evolved past the team that just gets whipped, and instead we've become the team that always competes.  That's a good progression in my opinion.  We have moved from Michael Dukakis to Al Gore.  Although if we really were Al Gore, technically we would have won the game, just not been given credit.  Like OU against Oregon in 2006.  But I digress...  (I totally just used that right!)

A lot of people have referred to the Florida State game as a "moral victory."  I don't believe in moral victories.  You either win or lose.  And the variance of which it takes to get over losses is what I really focus on.  I got over this one pretty quickly.  Sure, I had that oh-so-familiar feeling during the game.  You know the one, where you think you might barf from nerves that this could really happen or it might all be taken away?  I feel ya, Al Gore.  I feel ya.

But I took a lot of positive things from our season opener.  There is hope.  And more importantly, there is fight.  And as a fan, that is all I can ask for.  Go out and fight each game.  And if you can come close to taking the opposing quarterback's head off, ala Emmanuel Ogbah, that'd be great too.

Let's talk it out

I'm back and fully rested and recharged from a vacation to Arizona.  109 degrees will do that for you.  It's like being at a sweat lodge, minus the crystals and meditating.  I'm sure you are just itching to hear my thoughts on the OSU game, but you'll just have to wait.  Later in the week, my pretties.

I thought I'd share with you a couple of conversations I had while vacationing in the desert.  It's a little peek into the way Kathy's mind works.  Fascinating stuff, for sure.

Husband and I dropped by a local sports bar to catch the Arizona State game.  They were playing Weber State, which I learned from Wikapedia is in Utah.  And that Damian Lillard went there.  And that's about all I know about the fighting Webers.  It's hard to really evaluate a game like that, because you start thinking, "My god, this is the greatest team on earth!  Oh wait, where is the opponent from again?  Have they always had a football program?"  Anyway, when games are a wash, I tend to focus on other things.  On Thursday night, I focused on the huge gentleman who came in and sat at the table right next to us.  He was no less than 6'5 and you could see his muscles through his shirt.  The following conversation ensued:

Kathy: Is he someone?  I feel like he is someone.
Husband: No idea.
*sits and stares at the back of his head*
Kathy: I just KNOW he is someone famous.  He's way too big not to be famous.
Husband: *shrugs*
10 minutes later
Kathy: You know, if you weren't with me, I'd go up and ask him who he is.
Husband: *shrugs*
Kathy: Sometimes I feel like you are holding me back from being the person I want to be.  And the person I want to be is the person who knows who he is.

After he left, I turned to Husband excitedly.

Kathy: Will you be embarrassed if I get up and look at his bill to see who he is?
Husband: Sorry.  He paid with cash.
Kathy: GAH!  Now I'm never going to know who he is!  Thanks for nothing!

What I learned from this conversation:  Next time, I'm taking the risk of embarrassing Husband and just asking.  I could have made a famous friend.  I will not let that opportunity pass me by again.

The next day, I headed off to the nail shop to fancy up my fingers.  I knew it was overdue, but maybe not how much so, until Tom, the manicurist, set me straight.

Tom: Your cuticles.  Very tough.  VERY tough.  It means you're healthy, but very ugly to look at

Tom: Been a long time since you have manicure, yes?
Kathy: Yep, it's been a while.
Tom: That's an understatement.

Tom: Next time you get on the scale, you will be two pounds lighter.  Two pounds of cuticles, gone.

Tom: Just look at your nails.  They look so much better.  Your boyfriend, he will not run away from you now.  Because he was probably planning on running away from you before.  Now he will love you more.

What I learned from this conversation: If Husband doesn't love me now, I just don't know what else I can do.

As we arrived at the Phoenix Sky Harbor airport to head home, I had a bad feeling we weren't going to have a smooth travel day with the Tiny Human.  I knew this because when she was told that we were going to get on the airplane she had a total and complete freakout because it wasn't happening at that very moment.  Through tears and snot she yelled, "Airplane!  Airplane! Airplane!"  Then she dropped her pacifier on the floor and that caused what seemed to be the end of times.  And let me just say, I'm being paid back in full for all those snide looks I gave to parents with crying kids in my 20s.  The glares I receive are nothing short of death rays.  Sometimes I can feel my skin burn.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret...when my child bows her back and throws herself to the floor and screams, she's not doing it because I'm a bad parent.  She's doing it because she's insane.  Cut me a little slack.

Following the two epic meltdowns within 15 minutes, we made it to security.  The TSA agent gave me a "I couldn't be more annoyed with you if I tried," look and said the following:

Super Friendly Guy: Can she walk through?  Or do you have to carry her?
Kathy: Depends.  Do you want her to scream in your face?
*laughter from other passengers*
Super Friendly Guy (visibly irritated): It's up to you.
Kathy: Actually, it's not.  I'll be carrying her.

What I learned from this conversation: Not everyone thinks I'm funny.  Especially security personnel at the airport.  Their loss.

And that my friends, is how Kathy does vacation.  I wonder if I could put out a Craigslist "Missed Connection" for my sure-to-be best friendship.  I'll be sure to mention that my cuticles are in great shape, so I'm super lovable.

Wish balloons and music

awwww, the good ol' days.  When the only weed Blackmon needed was Brandon.  Sigh.

Well, it's that time of year again, where Kathy dusts off the ol' wishing shoes and asks the universe for a few things before the season begins. I write down my wishes, tie them to a balloon string and watch them sail into the sky.  Then the balloon gets caught in an electrical wire, bursts into flames and plummets to the ground. Just kidding, I threw that last part in for dramatic effect.

I've been open about my doubts on this season.  I feel uneasy.  My confidence is a little shaken. So as I was thinking about what it is that I really wanted from this year, I realized that my hopes and anticipation of each Cowboy season mirror my feelings about John Mayer.  Stick with me, it will all make sense.

Don't Let Me Down.  This doesn't have to be the best you've ever done.  I really am okay with that.  Let's all be honest, you may never replicate Continuum (2011 season).  It was SO great.  I mean SO great.  When I think about it, I smile.  There was one clunker, your cover of Bold as Love (Iowa State game), but on the whole, kudos.  Slow clap for you, big guy.  And you know, I don't think this has to be a Grammy-award winning album (College Football Playoff), but let's not end up in the $9.99 bin at Target one month out, okay?

One Big Hit.  I have to have the big hit/win to help me survive.  I have to.  You have to give me something that gets radio play.  Last year wasn't great...Paradise Valley was sub-par.  But you gave me Wildfire (beating Baylor) and that was enough to power me through to basketball season, which also let me down.  You just keep stringing me along with hints that you really are as great as I think you are and all will be well.

Maybe not so many guitar riffs.  I've seen you in concert (watched games) approximately one million times.  I get your schtick.  And I understand you want to be authentic and try new things.  I supported you when you ventured to the John Mayer Trio (hired a freakin' D2 coach from freakin' Shippensburg State), but maybe you can lay off the guitar riffs (complete and total lack of offensive creativity and adjustment).  You know the ones I'm talking about.  The ones that last for like 13 minutes (4 straight series of 3 and outs)?  I know YOU like them.  But the fans aren't really down.  Open it up.  Play Comfortable (throw it down the field).  I know you don't like to, but this isn't about you John.  It's about me.  I like that song (passing play), so just do it.

And that's it.  I'm keeping my expectations reasonable.    You know, no matter what you produce, I will still be loyal.  People will continue to make fun of me for being faithful to you, but I believe in you.  I really do.  You're crazy some times, like dating Jessica Simpson or your ill-advised stand-up comedy career (Cowboys 4ever and letting Monken get away), but I know that you mean well.  

Also, if the intro video didn't suck this year, that'd be swell.  Music with words.  Video of big hits.  Broken bones.  Spleen lacerations.  I really don't need to see guys running wind sprints.  You gonna show me running?  Show me that video of Dez Bryant racing a horse.  I can get behind that. *

Go Pokes.

*I couldn't make the connection to John with this one. He's a pacifist, doesn't translate.

And most of all, I want world peace

Well, it finally happened.  I've finally been recognized for my talents.  I'm going to serve as a judge in the Miss Tuttle Fair pageant tonight.  I am beyond excited about this.  I am thrilled to be a part of something that builds self confidence in young women.  It's a tough world, and anything that promotes value and self worth, I stand behind.  I also like sequins and shiny dresses.

Part of my role will be to interview the young ladies.  During my breakdown of responsibilities, I was told that I'm not allowed to ask political questions.  So there goes my questioning into their thoughts on the increasing volitility and terror threat of ISIS, Obamacare, and their predictions for the 2014 elections.

So I really need to buckle down and figure out what I am going to ask.  This is tough.  Gotta get my mind right, you know?  Think like a teenager.  I've been listening to One Direction for hours to put me in the right frame of mind.  I've got a few ideas, but I'm totally open to suggestions.

1. How orange are you?  I think I'll start my questioning with, "Do you cheer for Oklahoma State?  If not, please give me three good reasons why not.  And the fact that Jason White is from Tuttle doesn't count."
2. Why do you guys wear high-wasted mom jean shorts?  I really want to know the answer to this.
3. Who do you think is more annoying this season on Pretty Little Liars?  Aria or Hannah?  My vote is Hannah.  Girlfriend needs to pull herself together and reexamine her wardrobe choices.
4. Do you really think Snapchat is a good idea?  Here's a hint...it's not.
5. Does it bother you when adults misuse hashtags?  It bothers me.  #allyouaredoingiswritingarunonsentence
6. Do you babysit?  If so, how much do you charge?  Asking for a friend.
7. Do you think Kevin Durant will go to the Wizards after next season?  Say no.  Be an optimist like me.
8. Have you ever seen The Neverending Story?  If not, why?  Will you promise to watch it tonight?
9. Do people still say, "It's all good in the hood"?  Asking for a friend.
10. What is something you wish adults understood better?  This, may be my most realistic prospect of a question...besides the one about OSU.

Okay, so that's where I'm at. Got anything better?  Send me your questions, I'll try to work them in.