Wednesday, February 3, 2016

It's not me, it's you

I don't know how to say this...but it's time to break up.  There I just said it.  Travis Ford, I'm breaking up with you.  To the left, to the left.  Everything you own is in a box to the left.

I just sat through another disappointing Cowboy basketball game.  Husband and dog both fell asleep so I was alone to suffer through the joke of a game.  Yay me!  Just keep suffering.  Builds character.

I was thinking while I watched it spiral out of control AGAIN about how this is kind of like dating.  Dating in college.  So join me as I draw the comparison, won't you?  I should also note that this analysis is not reflective of any real life people, relax.  It's all hypothetical.  If you recognize certain traits, well, I mean, whatever.

So, you start dating a new guy, comes off the heels of the best boyfriend you could ever have (Eddie Sutton) but unfortunately it had to end and then kind of a mess of a boyfriend (Sean).  No one really knows anything about your new boyfriend, Travis.  Friends and family are skeptical, but you're all, "No it's cool.  It's time to date a different kind of guy.  This will be great.  Trust me."

Travis has a lot of good qualities.  He's good looking (great recruiting), he comes from a good family (former Kentucky player/Pitino protege), and he's loaded.  Fantastic.  Superficially this guy is going to be great.

The problem is that Travis is total and complete spaz in public.  You never know what you are going to get.  One night he's super impressive and your friends are like, "I really like him!  Way to go, Kath!" *high five emoji*  And then you take him to a party and he starts telling really inappropriate jokes and everyone is staring at you and wondering what the hell is wrong with Travis.  And you're wondering, "Why did I sign a 10-year lease with this guy after three good dates?"  Frick!

But you stick with him.  He really has good traits.  Really.  And he seems to be growing up.  Maturing. For example, you took him to a date party and he was on his best behavior (KU game, you pick the year).  He was a good dancer, he bought shots all around, he was AWESOME.  But then three days later, you guys went out to the bar, and he got so drunk he threw up down his shirt.  And you find yourself AGAIN saying, "Dammit Travis!  Stop throwing up on yourself!" 

How did you become the girl who dates the guy who keeps barfing on himself?  Freshman year was kind of understandable, because freshman don't really know what they are doing.  But you're seniors now.  Get it together for the love of everything holy.  How many times do you have to be embarrassed before you say, "You know what?  I'm tired of having to go home early.  I want a new boyfriend."

Well, that time is now.  New boyfriend, STAT.  And sure, your options are somewhat limited.  You've lost most of your friends (fans), so you are kind of a loner.  But you still look good and have a great sense of humor, and you're back in the gym.  Beauty is on the inside and someone out there will notice you.

Who?  Who is it that you want to date, Kathy?  Well, obviously there's your Jake Ryan: Bill.  Everyone knows he loves you, deep down.  And sure, he's been dating the hottest girl on campus...but she isn't that great.  She's starting to let herself go.  Maybe now's your time.  Or maybe not.  What's the worst that could happen?  He could say no.  But you are currently dating someone who peed in the corner of the bar last weekend, it can't really get worse.

But you know who else is out there?  The guy who is your biggest fan?  He's good friends with your favorite best ex-boyfriend.  And he really likes you.  Like REALLY likes you.  And he's a philosopher, he looks at things in the big picture.  Maybe it's time to date an intellectual, no?  And sure, he hasn't really dated much, he's focused more on studying, but why not take a risk?  Here's the kicker: your friends love him.  They will want to hang out with you again.  At the moment, you are sad.  And you are lonely.  And frankly you stink.  It's time for a change.  Take the risk.

Break up with Travis.  Date Doug.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

It's time...

Football is over.  College football that is, so it's time we regroup and focus on what's really important: college basketball, the greatest sport known to man.  I make it no secret that my first love is college basketball.  As I watched OU and KU last week, I declared, "Anyone who doesn't think this is the greatest sport is stupid and I do not want to know them."  Also important to note, I'm very big on speaking in absolutes.  The end. you might recall, we are bringing another child into this world.  And as it goes, we are cleaning out the room that was used as the, "just put it in the backroom" room.  Did this three years ago, you'd think I would have learned.  Didn't.  So I found my Bible I used in junior high and high school and in it I found a list of qualities I wanted in my future husband.  I was 15 and attending a weekend retreat where we were learning about relationships and all that jazz.  We made lists of traits we wanted in a spouse and were supposed to use this as a guide.  I'm positive it was supposed to be deep and meaningful.  I, in typical Kathy fashion, took it in a different direction.  For example, #3 on the list: must weigh at least 10 pounds more than me.  Current Husband was all, "Are you serious?  That's was one of your requirements?"  And I'm like, "Uh, yeah.  I was 15.  And come to think of it, that's still pretty important to me."  Number four on the list: Must be a basketball fan.  You guys...before I listed kind, caring, or loving, I said "basketball fan."  Priorities.

So as you can imagine the current state of Oklahoma State basketball program is hitting me hard.  It's bad.  So, so bad.  And I can't even conjure up a cute and witty blog comparing Travis Ford to the new girlfriend and the like.  It doesn't matter.  This isn't working.  The new girlfriend isn't that fun, throws lame parties, and is starting to put on weight. The time is now.  We've got to break up.  Soon.

Let's take a looksie at why this season is setting up to be so bad:

  1. No one is coming to the games.  Honestly, it's me, my family, Tiny Human who has GPS tracking on where Pistol Pete is at all times, and that is just about it.  Weirdly, people don't want to watch losing.  And neither do I.  But now I feel like I HAVE to go, because no one else is there.  It's like when you go to a party because you feel obligated, afraid the host will fall apart completely because no one showed up.  I just keep showing up, hoping the drinks will be strong enough to endure the party.  Side note: alcohol would probably help me make it through this season....but people tend to frown on women who are 45 years pregnant tailgating by themselves.  Because people are judgy and life's not fair.
  2. The rest of the league is GOOD.  Like really good.  KU is doing KU things.  OU is really good.  And their best player isn't even hateable....which is SO annoying.  I can always count on Spangler though, his dumb face is easy to not like.  And West Virginia will compete all season.  As will Iowa State.  And Tech.  I mean, this is the best the league has been in years.  And guess who isn't good?  Le sigh.  
  3. OSU is so undisciplined.  Tiny Human has yet to start organized sports, but it's coming.  And from what I have heard, little kids' sports are just organized chaos.    Running around, errant passes/kicks, no real strategy, just constant movement.  That's what we look like most of the time.  We start to panic and no one knows what to do.  It's maddening to watch.  One thing that Ford's teams have always had a problem with is discipline: on and off the court.  Stop fouling.  Stop smoking weed.  Follow your shot.  Be smarter.  
I will say that I think this team has better ball movement than I've ever seen.  I'm also not mature enough to write that sentence and not laugh. The passing is great.  The rebounding is better.  We finally have some depth in the post.  We have a great point guard.  But we just aren't good enough.  It's a sad state of affairs in the water that is still.

So, I think I'll spend this season analyzing where we need to go from here.  Who should replace Ford?  I have some ideas.  Stay tuned.

Bedlam is on Wednesday.  I don't think it will go well.  But you know, I believe in miracles.  Remember when Boise State beat OU?  No one thought that would happen.  But it made America feel good, am I right?  I'm totally right!  Or when Harry Truman defeated Dewey?  That was a fun upset too!

So in the immortal words of Harry S. Truman, "I never did give them hell.  I just told the truth and they thought it was hell."

Nope, that quote doesn't work at all.  Surprisingly, he wasn't that quotable of a president.  But I'm going to stick with it, because I'm no quitter.  I will go down with this sinking ship....metaphorically, of course.  It's much too cold to be in the ocean.    

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Literally....I can't even

If you know my hate of the overly, misused frequency of the word literally, you'll know just how serious I am about this post.  You guys, I'm watching Netflix's Making a Murderer and I literally can't even.

A few days ago, I saw all kinds of people all abuzz about this new documentary.  Maybe it's not actually new, but it's new to me.  A true crime documentary, nonetheless.  To which I said, "Hmmm, sounds like a long version of Dateline, I'm totally in. Let's do this."

See, I have a soft spot for true crime.  And for documentaries.  This was made for me!  Santa came early, y'all.  Oddly enough, when I was pregnant with Tiny Human, I read this book about the most famous unsolved crimes.  I think you're supposed to listen to classical music and crap, but not me.  I'm all, "maybe I can get the baby's heart rate up by scaring myself!"  Not wanting Small Fry to be left out, I've jumped feet first into this disturbing story about Steven Avery in nowhere, Wisconsin and basically how he is a victim of the most absurd injustices by the legal system you could ever imagine.  Or maybe he's guilty.  I DON'T KNOW!

I had the following conversation with Husband about this 10-part documentary: (I used a lot of capitalization to highlight the drama of the situation).

Kathy: OH MY GOD!
Husband: *comes around the corner* What's up?
Kathy: I need a support group while watching this show!  It is stressing me out!
Husband: *Laughs*
Kathy: It's not funny.  This is exhausting.  I mean, now there is a kid who is quite literally mentally slow who is just confessing to stuff....AND I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.
Husband: *shrugs*
Kathy: I'm so worked up, I sat here and considered sending a strongly worded letter to the public defender questioning him on if this is really how he does his job.  I DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!
Husband: *laughs*
Kathy: WHY AREN'T YOU TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY?!  I'm really stressed out!
Husband: Maybe you should stop watching it.
Kathy: WHAT?!  I can't stop now.  I have to know that this ends happy.  That good outweighs evil.  But this guy is probably in jail.  Or has been put to death.  Because this is terrible and I can't turn away.  And I have SIX EPISODES TO GO!
Husband: well....
Kathy: I need you to please start watching it.  Please.  I need someone to talk to about it.
Husband: Mmmm....seeing how you are reacting, I don't think that's going to happen.
Kathy: FINE!  I'm on a lonely island of stress.

I don't want to spoil it and I will place a plague upon your house if you ruin it for me, but if there is anyone out there who is watching, let me know.  Send up a smoke signal.  I'm seeking solidarity.  I've been thinking about starting a book club, but in the meantime, I just need someone to talk to about Making a Murderer.  Or better yet, you binge watch the first four episodes and fax me when you've caught up.  If you need support in those first few episodes, just call out my name, and you know wherever I am, I'll come running.  The emotions are still very raw, I can help you through this.

On an unrelated note, I'd like to take a moment to recognize myself for flawlessly working James Taylor lyrics into this blog.  I also used the word precipice in conversation today, and I'm 90% I used it correctly.  Basically, I'm winning at everything right now.  Everything but being emotionally equipped to handle a television show.  As the kids say, the struggle is real.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Thanks y'all

Turkey Day is just a day away and you know what that means?  Kathy needs to stop complaining and whip up a little list of things she is thankful for.  So fill up that gravy boat and read along, won't you?

Meaningful conversations.  On the way to work today, Tiny Human and I had a conversation about Drake.  It started with her telling me she didn't like Macklemore.  Fair enough.  He's not for everyone.  She does, however, like Hotline Bling.  She asked some pretty hard-hitting questions about Drake like, "Does he have a beard?" "Does he want a beard?" and "Does he have hair?"  I appreciated her desire to really get to know the artist.

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm not listening to Kidz Bop in the car.  Because I can't, that's why.  I watch Dora and tolerate that stupid Map App and I watch Frozen and answer the same questions about why Elsa freezes stuff (emotional baggage) every single time.  I draw the line with the radio.  I need to hear music I like.  And you know what?  I'm not listening to Eazy E or Too Short, so I think I'm doing okay.  P.S.  I'm also thankful for Eazy E.

Inspiration in strange places.  I've recently been bitten by the inspiration bug.  No need to worry, it's a small bite that can be treated with essential oils (I don't know anything about essential oils, but from what facebook tells me, they cure everything).  I've been watching Orange is the New Black and had a epiphany. I'm sure you are wondering, why are you just now watching OITNB?  Because, people, I'm a laggard.  Please consult the chart.  I wait until something has been fully vetted by the general population, so I'm not stuck looking like a sucker.  Google Glass, anyone?  

Anyway, Crazy Eyes' writing inspired me to jump feet first into writing myself.  I probably won't write erotica like her, but you never know.  It's time to stop talking about how I want to be a writer, and just be a writer.  If she can do it, so can I!  Pay no attention to the fact that she's a character on TV, THAT'S NOT THE POINT.  I was also kind of inspired by a book I just finished.  It was really bad.  And if crap like that can get published and receive a good review, ergo tricking me into reading it, then what am I doing on the sidelines?  

I was also inspired by a random run in at Whole Foods.  As I stood inline to check out with two pies, two types of scones and cinnamon rolls, I noticed that Russell Westbrook's wife was in line in front  of me.  Looking at her made me feel bad about myself.  Thanks a lot, tall perfect-bodied former collegiate athlete.  And then I reminded myself, in a mere 12 weeks, I won't have to wear elastic and feel like a turtle caught on his back every time I lay down.  After Tiny Human #2 makes his arrival, I too can wear cute outfits and carry $3000 purses and be married to one of the greatest basketball players in the world.  

Football season is coming to an end.  Yes, you read that right, I'm thankful that college football season is coming to an end.  Bless it, this season has been a roller coaster.  This is an accurate description of how I've felt watching the Cowboys since August:

Holy lord, we are terrible ---> Well, at least we won ----> We will lose at least five games, maybe six. ---> How do we keep winning?  -----> I'm starting to think we have made a pact with the devil....I'm totally okay with that ----> Someone please tell me when it's safe to start breathing again. ---> Hey!  Maybe we are pretty good after all!  We just beat a top ranked team! ---->  Nope, spoke too soon.  We have flaws, but we keep winning, so that's something right? ---->  Frick!  OU looks really good.  Frick!  ----> Oh...It's all coming back to me.  Losing isn't fun at all.  At what point do I need to start accepting that a comeback isn't going to happen?  ----> Frick.  Bedlam has potential for making me have really bad feelings.

And that's where I'm at now.  I'm concerned.  I'm concerned that I'm going to wrap my fat stomach in twelve layers and brave the cold only to be kicked in the teeth by Baker "oh look at me, I used to be a walk-on but now I'm great and a good dancer" Mayfield.  Blast!  But I'm going to go.  And I'm going to hope that that pact with the devil has a Bedlam clause.  And if we do lose?  I will just pretend we didn't.  It's how I deal with bad things.  I choose to behave as if they didn't happen.  I Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the hell out of painful losses.  Been doing it for years, and it's worked out just fine.

If you need me, just look for this girl.  Also, I'll probably need some help up.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  And Go Pokes!

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Get Frank Underwood on the phone, the fix is in

How about a little Q & A session, a little "Get to Know this Blogger," a little multiple personality interview with myself?  Funsies for everyone, am I right?

Let's get started.

Q: You seem a little agitated, what's got you worked up?

A: Texas.

Q: The whole state?

A: No.  Just their dumb football fans.  Lord almighty, if I see any more complaints about the officiating of Saturday's game, I just might lose it.

Q: Care to expand?

A: I'd love to.  Thanks for asking.  They are all kinds of worked up because calls didn't go their way on Saturday.  And I'll be the first to admit, several were questionable, if not blatantly wrong.  But guess what?  That's not called a conspiracy or "a fix."  That's called sports. Bad calls are made in EVERY game.  It happens.  Shall I put together a highlight reel of all of the times OSU has been the victim of bad calls?  I would do that, but it would make me even more annoyed than I already am.

And I'm going to just dole out some hard-to-swallow news....when you are reduced to celebrating moral victories and blaming officials for losses, you are now the fan of a mediocre program.  I should know.  I'm an OSU fan.  So suck it up, will ya?

Q: Shall we move on?

A: Fine.  But for reals, I'm beyond annoyed by their outrage.  Dumb City, USA.  Population: Longhorn Nation.

Q: What about the teams you actually cheer for?  How have they fared so far?

A: Meh.  Somehow the Cowboys are undefeated.  I suffer from heart palpitations watching them play.  I find myself holding my breath for long periods of time, which in turn, makes me dizzy.  The ol' quarterback switcheroo game we played versus Texas seemed pretty dumb to me, but no one pays me to coach, so maybe it was genius and I'm just not at that level of understanding.

The Sundevils....well, sometimes they are hard to watch.  Do you remember those Faces of Death movies?  That's kind of what Saturday night felt like.  Like a punishment that I didn't deserve.  So... here's to hoping I've atoned for whatever horrible thing I've done in my former life and we can move on to happy football.  Husband is struggling too.  Seeing as the Sundevils play in the middle of the night because the desert is hot and everyone would spontaneously combust if they played when the sun was out, he can't even yell.  Because Tiny Human sleeps while ASU plays football.  Ergo silent rage.  On Saturday as we watched them turn the ball over on the goal line for a 96 yard return for a touchdown, he stood up and said, "I need to be by myself."  Hashtag sigh.  Hashtag pray for Husband.  Prayer hands emoji.

Q: Yikes.  Sounds pretty bad around your house.

A: Preach.

Q: Next topic.  Watch anything good on TV lately?

A: Well, I decided to join the new craze of Netflix.

Q: Seems like you might be a little late to the party.

A: I'm a laggard.  It's a marketing term.  Look it up.

Q: I'll get right on that.

A: Anywhoozle, I just finished watching all the House of Cards episodes.

Q: Oh yeah?  What did you think?

A: The show makes me feel extremely unsettled.  I've come to realize there isn't one character on the show I like.  They are all bad people.  All of them.  At first I was all, Frank Underwood, he's ruthless, but underneath he's a good guy.  Couldn't have been more wrong.  Oh, Doug Stamper?  Good guy.  Hard worker.  Nope.  Bad guy.  Hard worker.  Everyone is bad.  Everyone who has redeemable qualities dies.

Q: You know it's just a show right?

A: Is it?  Then explain John Boehner to me.

Q: Do you have anything happy to talk about?

A: I do.  My dog has stopped barfing on the carpet, so I'm pretty jazzed about that turn of events. The super blood moon did not disappoint.  And tonight I'm building a rocket ship with Tiny Human.

Q:  A rocket ship?

A: Yes.  We had a conversation about not wanting to go home, instead we were going to go to the moon.  I noted that that trip would require a rocket ship.  And so...we are building one tonight.  I assume this counts as STEM education.

Q:  I'm not quite sure that qualifies....

A: Honestly, no one asked you.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter

I had a pretty hard time deciding which picture to use for this blog. I ultimately chose the picture that accurately portrayed my feelings last year during football season.  The picture below came in a close second.  Because I think it is so funny.

So, moving on to the important's football season, party people!  And per my usual routine, I'm going to throw up some hopes and prayers and believe that universe will hear me. *prayer hands emoji*

1. No streaks.  Losing streaks that is.  Let's have a quick recap of how crappy that 5-game skid was last year.  It was honestly painful.  Side note, I'm trying very hard to not use the word "literally."  I'm at the point of murderous rage when I see people misuse literally.  I saw someone write the phrase, "my hands are literally tied" the other day. No, no they aren't.  Because you just typed that stupid sentence.  And you couldn't do that if your hands were tied.  But I digress.

So anyway, last season literally almost killed me.  So let's win more than we lose.  And let's pass the ball.  And get first downs.  Small things.  Go team!

2.   Offensive creativity.  Please see #1 on this list.  Um, the whole, running it up the middle for a gain  of 1.5 wasn't working last year.  It was poo.  You know what did work?  Fat guy touchdowns, ala James Castleman.  Trick plays.  Throwing it down the field.  More of that.

3. I ask every year, and every year no one answers, but I'd like an intro video that is awesome.  And not crappy.  Did I ever tell you guys that one of the best intros I've ever seen was a random UCONN pre-game video.  UCONN.  Did you even know they played football?  Unfortunately, I know that the best play of last year won't be shown.  The punt return that restored my faith in humankind is never to be talked about again due to bad decisions, arrests, and dismissals.  That's fine.  But let me tell you this, when I die and someone puts together a highlight video of my life, Tyreek Hill running that ball back will be included.  Childhood pictures, my wedding day, holding my sweet Tiny Human, The Punt.

So since we can't show that, I've got some ideas:

  • Fat guy touchdowns.  Especially the one when Castleman slams into the defensive player and paint flies from his helmet.  
  • Any scoring from last year.  It didn't happen a lot, so it should be celebrated.
  • Remember when there was video of Dez Bryant racing a horse?  Throw that in for good measure too.
4. I want to win Bedlam again.  It's a simple wish.  It felt so good last year.  I carried the sports page around in my purse for two weeks following that game.  I want to feel that happy again.  Please and thank you.

5. Switching allegiances, I want this to be ASU's year.  It all sets up to be a special season.  Smokin' hot quarterback.  Favorable schedule. Veteran defensive squad.  Usually-wrong Kirk Herbstreit picked them to go to the playoff.  Maybe this will be the time he's not wrong.  Maybe?

Just win.  I want to see the Sundevils as the best in the west.

So it's pretty simple.  Easy, peasy, Japanesey.

Go Pokes!  Go Sundevils!  Go Fantasy Football Teams!

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Farfegnugen and stuff

I went to Germany.  And I want to tell you about it. So I figured I'd dust off the ol' typewriter and fire this sad little blog up again.  Besides it's almost football season, and that means Angry Irrational Kath is just waiting to be unleashed.  SET HER FREE!

So I went to Dresden and Berlin.  I saw lots of stuff.  And increased a bunch of the knowledge in my noggin.  Here's what I learned.

1. Whoever was in charge of teaching me about WWII failed.  Frick.  There is a LOT I didn't know.  I said approximately 80 times, "I did not know that!  Did you know that??" And most people said yes.  Color me, embarrassed.  So upon my return to America, I said to Husband, "Teach me everything I need to know about WWII.  All of it."   Him: "Uh, like what do you want to know?"  Me: "Everything.  Let's start with WWI and go from there.   I need to know everything from WWI to the Berlin Wall.  Teach me!"  And now, I'm basically a history genius y'all.  Fire off your questions, I have all of the answers.

2. Jean shorts are very big in Germany.  Many a man sported jean shorts.  And not at all ironically. Europe is fashion forward, right?  So you guys can basically expect to be jorting around very soon.  Fire up.

3. Germans are very big on the f-word.  They use it a lot.  More than I do....which is saying something.  It's like their sexy way of rebelling against the man.  Lots of graffiti featuring the f word.  F the cops.  F the system.  F it.  It was everywhere.

They also seem to be big on American phrases on t-shirts and the Bronx.  I think it is strange to be obsessed with the Bronx, but whatever.  You do you, Germany.    I passed a kid who had a shirt that read, "High all the time," and I laughed and wondered if I was the only person who could read it.  I also saw a girl who had a tattoo that read, in English, life without living is like death without dying, or something like that.  I wonder if English to Germans is like Chinese symbol tattoos to Americans.  In that case, disregard my fashion forward remark.  They are moving backwards in time...which is not necessarily a good thing for Germans, if you know what I mean.

4. There is a real strong commitment to potatoes in Saxony.  We had a "traditional German dinner" one night and honest to God, there were nine versions of potatoes.  I ate them all. Because I love potatoes very much.  Then they served dessert, and wouldn't you know, it was a potato creation too.  And it was delicious!  It was like Iron Chef: Potato!

We visited the palace of Frederick the Great in Potsdam.  On his grave, visitors left potatoes.  And the most odd thing about it, is that that wasn't the first thing addressed by our guide.  She's all, 'here's his  legacy," and all I'm wondering is, "Why the hell are there 45 potatoes on his grave?" Apparently he was a big proponent of potatoes.  Alright then.  Using that logic, my grave will be covered in salt.  Viva la sodium!

5. The German language kind of always sounds like yelling.  I attempted communicating with a woman while trying to purchase some souvenirs.  I held up three fingers indicating that is how many I wanted.  She brought out four.  Me: No.  Just three (holds up three fingers).  Her: Flugen herten blergen shlur!!  Me: No!  THREE!  Her: GERMAN YELLING!  My mom said, "We'll just buy the fourth one it's okay."  Me: No way!  She can't just bully us into buying more.  My fingers make it very clear how many I want."  We got three.  I think that lady was very angry.  Or maybe she wasn't.  I will never know.

It was a great trip.  I think Berlin is fabulous and could have spent at least another week there exploring.  The art.  The museums.  The shopping.  It is a truly global city that I would rank right up there near the top.  It's incredible how far it has come since the war.  And I will say they very much embrace their tumultuous past, no running from the horrors of the war.  I give Berlin two thumbs and a sack of potatoes way up.