Sunday, November 16, 2014

Irrational Kath


After watching my beloved Cowboys sputter through the first half of football with no creativity, no adjustments and no visible desire to punch the Longhorns in the mouth, I tweeted the following:

Gundy and Yurcich owe me a personal apology.  And a refund.

Who was to know that that tweet would lead to me not only being called out by a well-known OSU blogger, but also have an entire blog post dedicated to me.  I'm humbled by the attention.  My tweet was referred to "as irrational as it gets" for an OSU fan.  Wow!  Really?  I wasn't even aiming to be the top in the category, but you know sometimes you can't deny success.

See, I would consider the following more irrational:
1. Threatening players or coaches, as has been known to happen with other fan bases.
2. Call for Gundy's firing.
3. Burn my house down in anger of this season.
4. Burn your house down in anger of this season.
5. Stop attending games (which was suggested).
6. Speak in post-game press conferences about not being worried and focusing on the future.

I have to admit, I was a little surprised that this young man lacked the ability to see that I was not serious.  You know those children who are born without the ability to feel pain?  I fear maybe he was born without the ability to sense sarcasm.  And if that is the case, as Jay Z says, I feel bad for you son.

I suppose I must take this opportunity to point out that I didn't actually expect an apology and/or a refund.  First, we moved this spring and I never got around to sending out, "We've Moved!" cards, so there is a good chance he wouldn't even be able to locate me.  Second, seeing as Gundy has refused to acknowledge what a dumpster fire this season has turned into, I highly doubt my request would be acknowledged.

See, my comments stem from our fearless leader saying he was focusing on the future.  As the wise blogger pointed out, if you went to see a movie and didn't enjoy it, would you ask for a refund from the producers?  Well, to be perfectly honest, I had no idea this was an option.  Is this on the table?  Because I went to see Fear.com in 2002, and I'm still mad about it.  Had I known that I could contact the director/producer, I might have done this.

Let's just go with his example though.  Let's say I went to my favorite restaurant and ordered chicken parm.  And what was delivered to me was a piece of chicken that was still frozen in the middle with bread crumbs thrown on at the last minute, surely I would protest.  And the waiter might say, "Yeah, the outside parts of the chicken are cooked and we're really excited about what's on the menu for Friday.  It's gonna be great."  And I'd probably respond, "But I didn't pay for Friday night's dinner, I'd like for tonight's product to be edible."  And the watier would be all, "Yeah, the head chef, he's new.  But he used to make grilled cheese at his apartment and it was amazing, so he's the right man for the job."  And I'd be all, "That's a convicining resume.  Why don't you go ahead and apply my bill to Friday, I'll come back for that."  And then we'd high five and everything would be solved.

Really, what I was looking for was an apology ala Tim Tebow in 2008 following Florida's loss to Ole Miss.  Or even something close to what Eddie Sutton used to do.  On more than one occassion, the first thing out of his mouth was an apology to the fans, because "they deserve better."

I'm disgruntled.  And it's my right as a fan to be that way.  And it's my right as a Kathy, to be sarcastic about it.  You don't have to agree with me, that's cool.  But don't troll me, bro.  It's bad form.

Monday, November 10, 2014

This is exhausting


Guys, I'm tired.  Like, really exhausted.  How much, you may ask?  Well, last night I had a dream I was going to prom.  I had decided that I would wear a tuxedo top and jeans.  Apparently, in my dreams I am the 1996 version of Garth Brooks at the Grammy's.  I woke up and realized, there is no analyzing to be done, I'm just going crazy.

So what could be causing these elevated levels of sleepies?  I see two possible answers.

First, my tiny human wears me out.  Let me go ahead and cut you off at the pass before you tell me that your 2/3/4 kids make you more tired than me.  Cool story.  This isn't a competition.  And this is my blog, and we're talking about me.  And right now the two year old I live with is exhausting.  On Saturday, Husband snuck away to watch the Sundevils with some friends leaving just us girls to our own devices at home.  And let me just tell you, one-on-one time is like being in the throws of a Congressional hearing.  So. Many. Questions.  Luckily, I'm quick on my feet, so if I don't know the answer, I just make one up.  By the time Husband got home, I looked at him and said, "I can literally not answer one more question.  Not one."  Then we took a family adventure to Sam's.  Started off with Tiny Human marching up and down the aisles yelling, "Look at all of this!  It's amazing!" About 30 minutes in, the interpretive song and dance portion of the program began.  It was a combination of spinning, downward dog, Jesus Loves Me, and a song about colors in Spanish.  As I watched her roll on the floor while belting out, "Yes!  Jesus loves me and Christmas trees have lights!" I thought to myself, "this is what you deserve, Kath."

I think, however, that my real exhaustion stems for Kirk Herbstreit.  Or as my brother likes to call him, Herb Herbstreit.  I just can't take him anymore.  On Saturday, prior to kickoff, he referred to Arizona State as the most overrated team in the nation.  Following their convincing win against Notre Dame, he called the Sundevils "trendy" and then pointed out that they got beat badly by UCLA and only beat USC because of a Hail Mary.  He then went on to subtly try to convince me that Ohio State was the most deserving new member to the top four.  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Your bias is starting to show.  And no, I'm not talking about SEC bias, I'm talking specifically about your bias against me.

Lest we forget about his blatant hatred of Oklahoma State in 2011.  Remember your sound reasoning that the Pokes couldn't play for the national championship?  We didn't deserve it because we had a bad loss, remember.  Well, I've got two words for you Herbie:  Virginia. Tech.  Your beloved Buckeyes got beat by a craptastic Va Tech team that may not even finish with a winning record.  Bad loss.  Terrible loss.  And if it's enough to keep my Cowboys out, your stupid Buckeyes should stay home too.  And no, you can't change your mind.  No take backs.

Kirk Herbstreit exists on this earth to make me mad and talk noise about teams I like.  I knew he couldn't be trusted when he continued to tell me Mike Stoops was a great coach.  Keep it up, pretty boy and I'll arrange to have you put into a room with Tiny Human and 1,000 items she's never seen before.  She will Guantanamo your ass and bring you to your knees with her questioning.  


Friday, November 7, 2014

Fly on the Wall

Look people, I'm thin on material.  It's a sad state of affairs around here.  I don't really have any opinions to give on OSU football.  Project Runway has come to an end.  Election season is complete.  I really am left with very little to evaluate.  I guess I could tell you about the latest New Yorker article I read about a Mexican lucha libre wrestler who wears no mask and dresses in drag, but let's just save that gem for another day.

Instead, I'm going to let you peak inside recent conversations at our house.

The Setting: Last night as I'm trying figure out what I'm going to wear to an event.

Kathy: The dress for this is "snappy casual."  I don't really know what that means....but I don't think I have anything that fits that description.
Husband: Yeah.  You have more of a "mom wardrobe."
Kathy: (snapping head  around): WHAT?!
Husband: *silence*
Kathy: What does that mean?!
Husband: You know, like work clothes.
Kathy: I feel a lot of anger towards you right now.
Husband: Yeah, I kind of figured.  *walks away*

I can't even put into words how offended I was/am/always will be.

The Setting: Sitting down to dinner and the television is on ESPN with some sort of NBA analysis going on.

Tiny Human: Who's that?  What's that name?
Me: That is John Anderson, Chauncey Billups, and George Karl.
Tiny Human: He's a turtle!
Me: You think George Karl looks like a turtle?
Tiny Human: Yeah!
Me: I'm not going to disagree with that assessment.

See for yourself.


The Setting:Talking about the big game this weekend, pitting the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame versus the Arizona State Sun Devils.   The Catholics versus the Horned Ones.

Husband: A lot of people are talking about how this really is a big game, in so many ways.  Like it could be a defining moment.
Kathy: It definitely could be
Husband: And you know, ASU has the tendency to falter in the spotlight.
Kathy: Yeah, I'm afraid this might be a pile of poo.
Husband: *stares back at me*
Kathy: *smiling* I'm just a mom, what do I know?

Don't worry though, I'll be cheering on the Sun Devils tomorrow while wearing sensible shoes, a ribbed sweater and mom jeans....which are apparently back in style.

Happy Weekend, Go Devils!

Monday, November 3, 2014

Let's Take a Quiz


Hey!  Did you know it's election day?  No?  You must not be on any social media at all, because the 77 pictures of the "I Voted" stickers should have tipped you off.  And for the record, I have a cousin who voted in Las Vegas, where I think they officially call it "Doubling Down Day," and she got a big awesome circle sticker.  I would like to file a referendum for fancier/bigger voting stickers.  And if they could be scratch-and-sniff, I would be especially thankful.  I think they should smell like hot dogs.  Or bourbon.

Anyway, in true Kathy form, I took a "Who should you vote for?" quiz after I cast my ballot.  Good news: I apparently voted exactly in line with my beliefs.  Yay me!  (The quiz was on www.isidewith.com and I highly recommend it, if you don't know where you stand on things. Or you are like me and you take online quizzes just for funsies.)

That quiz got me in the mood to quiz myself for today's blog.  Switch it up a little.  Unleash the creativity.  Follow along, you can take the quiz too if you'd like....fun fact: I wrote the whole thing, so there are no wrong answers.  Today, you are a winner!

What has been the highlight of OSU football season so far?
A. The chrome helmets
B. There are only three more games to suffer through.
C. The moral victory versus Florida State.
D. The weather has been really nice for home games.

Tough choice on this one, but I think I'm going with A.  D comes in a close second.

What are you looking forward to most about this weekend?
A. Arizona State has a good chance to beat Notre Dame.
B. The Cowboys don't play, so we're guaranteed not to lose this weekend.
C. Spending quality time with the family.
D. There is still pumpkin beer in the fridge.

I choose E.  All of the above.

What have you learned this week?
A. That intrical is not a word.
B. That Butterfinger cups are the most delicious food to ever exist.
C. That you still don't know the difference between all the different Cromartie's in the NFL. #whosetheonewithallthekids
D.  That your kid possibly knows more Spanish than you do.

Trick question!  I actually learned all of these things this week.  But B and D were probably the most significant.

Now that campaign season has come to a close in Oklahoma, what do we have to look forward to?
A. Truck month!  (I just assume every month is truck month)
B. A nip in the air...and by nip, I mean 30 mile per hour gusts that knock you down.
C. College basketball season starts.
D. Thanksgiving.

This was a no-brainer.  D. Thanksgiving for the win, and all the things that come with it.  The turkey-induced sleepies, stretchy pants, and sweet potato casserole that I present as a side dish, but it's really just desert you get to eat early.

So how'd you do?  I'll go ahead and tally up those results for you and provide fascinating insight ala Buzzfeed.  Based on your answers, I'll probably be able to tell you what kind of pastry you are (doughnut), your dream job (actuary), and city you were meant to live in (Hoboken).  Tada!  Easy at sweet potato casserole.