So many topics to cover today, kids. Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.
Dear Sports Illustrated,
Nanny nanny boo boo, you big jerks. I felt happy earlier this week when it was announced that every single part of the five-part expose you published last year was false. I felt happy, and then I felt annoyed. Why weren't you commenting? Where was the exhaustive coverage? This was a big-time story when you thought we were Scrooge McDucking it and swimming in gold coins. Remember when you couldn't believe kids were drinking bleach to pass drug tests (I couldn't believe that either)? Where is the vindication? Where's the, "Oopsie whoopsie, looks like we might have been wrong?" I try hard not to troll the internet. Try being the key word. But you really put me to the test SI. I limited myself to one snippy tweet and moved on. Because the thought of Thayer Evans' crunchy hair hitting the pillow and him thinking, "My God, I'm as big of an idiot as they say," made me feel at peace.
A plague on both your houses,
Kathy
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Dear Homecoming Festivities,
I'm so happy you are here. I love Homecoming. I know you are the best homecoming in the world. It's a scientific fact, I even asked a scientist. Just kidding, the only scientist friend I have is an OU fan, so she can't be trusted. I'm excited to go to walkaround tonight and see all the chicken wire and tissue paper. I can't wait to get lots of dirty looks from people who hate strollers and babies. I used to be one of those people, so it's super fun that life has come full circle. When I told Tiny Human that we were going to a parade, she shouted, "Birthday cake!" And let me just say, I'm stoked for this new addition to the homecoming traditions. I love cake.
Forever Orange,
Kath
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Dear Fall,
I'd like to make a formal request that we change the flavor of fall from pumpkin spice to salted caramel. It tastes better. And it is more inclusive for those of us who don't like vegetables. I can say unequivocally, that I would eat trash if it was salted caramel flavored. Should I forward this letter on to the Governor? Michelle Obama? Who handles things like this?
Yum yum, give me some,
K-Dogg
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Dear New Yorker Magazine,
I have to say, you've outdone yourself with your article about the Chilean miners in the July 7th issue. I'm sure you are wondering why I'm so far behind in my reading. This is directly tied to the fact that all of your articles are 700 pages long and it takes me a while. Deal. Anywho, this is by far the best article I've ever read. What a story of perseverance. I truly believe that every person should read this. It's phenomenal. As I was reading it at the gym, with tears in my eyes, so moved by the men in the story, it took all of my strength not to turn to the guy who grunts and clanks the weights together and yell, "This is so f-ing inspirational!" I've never read anything that makes me want to high five everyone more than this did.
Bravo!
K
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Dear Football Team,
Score touchdowns. Win.
Smooches,
KHR
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