Today is my Tiny Human's birthday. She is two. Seems like just yesterday I was thinking to myself, "I'm not mature enough to be a parent." (Confession: that was just yesterday). And according to script, I am currently in the throws of the irrational stress of throwing a birthday party. Lord help me if I make it through Saturday.
Like all good moms, I turned to Pinterest for my inspiration. Before I get into my hate of the website of the devil, I should state that I actually think Pinterest is genius. Because I was the person clipping things out of magazine before and had binders of "ideas." And now the internet is organizing my clutter. Thanks internet! Thanks Al Gore! (I cannot explain why I keep mentioning AG in my blogs).
Here's the problem with Pinterest....I have a false sense of self and Pinterest makes me believe that I can make anything.
Let me walk you through my latest Pinterest project....
I searched and searched and pinned and pinned birthday party ideas. I settled on a cowgirl themed party. I figured this was probably the last party I would get to choose the theme, so I went with what I wanted. I'm selfish. You need to just get over that. And it gave me the excuse to buy tiny pink cowboy boots, so it was a win-win situation.
Through my internet searching, I found these cute homemade stick horses. I read the comments, and all 45 rave about how easy this project is. One mom goes so far to say, "These are so cute and so easy! Perfect for a mom who can't sew, like me!" Well holy crap, that sounds just like me. Sign me up.
I buy all the accoutrements and am ready to roll. I will be able to knock these bad boys out in a night, Maybe two
Step 1: Stuff sock with polyfill.
This is super easy. I nail this part. I basically owned step 1.
Step 2. Sew on nose and mouth with knitting needle.
How am I supposed to do that? She says it so matter-of-factly, it can't be hard. Hey Husband, will you YouTube "how to use a knitting needle?" Hmmm, that doesn't help either. How the eff am I supposed to get this stupid mouth attached? Why aren't there more instructions? I thought this was supposed to be easy!
I then proceed to yell at Husband, you know because it was his idea to make the damn horses and all, "Just turn off the video! It's not working! THROW EVERYTHING AWAY!"
It is immediately decided that I should walk away from the project for the night.
The next morning I realize that while the instructions say "knitting needle," the picture shows a "crochet hook." I clearly have bought the wrong instrument. Back to Walmart.
Okay, now I have a crochet hook as pictured. Hmmmm, nope. That's not working either. WHY IS THIS SO HARD? What am I going to do now? Oh, what's that? It's supposed to rain on Saturday? I have no activities. And no stupid stick horses. Maybe we just won't answer the door. Maybe everyone will think they got the wrong day. I will never throw a birthday party again.
I send a few frantic emails to a friend who is crafty. She is my only hope. I need her to tell me how to solve the problem. She confirms my suspicion that the instructions are stupid, which makes me feel better, but doesn't get me any closer to making the horse.
I make a last ditch effort and go buy a needle made for yarn. I've gone rogue. I'm Robert Frosting this shit and going off road. I have a Master's degree for God's sake, I will master this horse.
Step 3. Have a glass of wine.
At this point, I'm completely improvising.
Step 2 (again). Sew on mouth and nose with your new fancy yarn needle.
Tada! It worked. And the rest actually was easy. Kind of.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the finished product.
You may notice a few things in this picture.
- An unmade bed and dirty clothes on the ground. I don't have time to make the bed or pick up my clothes because I've devoted all my free time to making these godforsaken stick horses.
- The horse doesn't have ears. While I have been to Target, WalMart, and Michael's 19 times this week, I can't remember to buy felt. He may or may not get ears. At this point, I could care less.
My timeline was a bit off. It took three days to complete one horse. But now that I know what I'm doing, I should be able to knock the rest out in a relatively quick manner, and Husband shouldn't get yelled at for his lack of knowledge of looping yarn on knitting needles.
After this test of my fortitude, I came to the stark realization that Pinterest is full of lies. 90 ways to tie a scarf and millions of lies. It's never as easy as they say it's going to be. Ever. And it's full of ringers. Normal people aren't coming up with this stuff. People who have a freakish ability to make crafty crap are pretending to be normal and tricking the rest of us into thinking we can do it too.
These people are being paid for their ability to make this cute stuff. You know how much I got paid? Nothing. All I got out of the deal was two knitting needles and a crochet hook that will never be used again. That and the satisfaction of knowing I won.
That being said, I'm willing to sell you a custom-,made stick horse for the bargain price of $300. I will also throw in a signed copy of this blog so you can know how much went into making it.
On to the next one. Giddy up.
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