P for Possibilities

Today's blog is brought to you by the letter P.  This is a list of things you need to know since I wrote last week, and I managed to make them all start with the letter P.  It's a gift.

Pigs on Twitter.  When you Google image search "P," this little guy comes up.  Apparently his name is Chris P Bacon Pig.  And he uses a wheelchair.  And he's so cute I actually "eeked" when I saw this picture.  I'm not about stealing stuff from the internets, so I wanted to identify Chris.  You can follow his adventures on twitter @ChrisPBaconPig

Progress.  Someone talked about OU going to the Sugar Bowl today and I didn't have the reaction of violence or nausea.  I'm really growing up in front of my eyes.  I'm making myself very proud...which also starts with "p."

Paying in cash.  I just returned from visiting the Valley of the Sun.  It was glorious.  Palm trees and 74 degrees.  My body actually physically rejected the Oklahoma weather when I returned.  Kathy thrives in sunshine, she catches colds in winter.  I miss you already, Arizona.  Anywho, while visiting the desert, I visited Heaven on Earth, or Nordstrom as others call it.  While perusing the shoe department, I watched a woman approximately 80+ years old try on a pair of shiny black loafers.  She asked how much they cost, and upon being told they were $295, she pulled out her wallet and paid the salesgirl in cash.  I've never seen someone buy shoes with cash.  Let alone a $300 pair of shoes.  She handed her money to the girl without ever moving from her seat.  It was like being at a restaurant...but with shoes.  It was glorious.  Scottsdale is a magical place.

Packers!  While waiting on our flight home yesterday, the gate next to us was heading to Milwaukee.  Brrrr.  The Packers vs. Bears game was on and I only became aware of it when the entire gate area erupted in cheers when the Packers scored with 34 seconds to go.  It was awesome.  Not because I'm a Packers fan, but because I love being in the midst of happy fans.  It's just the best thing ever.  I was instantly happy for them because they were so happy.  Strangers high fiving each other, two different people got up and ran around in excitement.  Then it was the defense's time to step up.  Everyone was on the edge of their seats, including me, because now I was fully vested in this game.  One lady yelled out, "Get him!"  It was silent and she instantly felt the need to explain herself, "I'm sorry.  I just love the Packers so much."  Of course she was from Wisconsin, so she had that ridiculous accent which made the whole statement even more endearing.  I thought about going and hugging her and telling her she didn't need to explain to me.  I understood.  And then it happened.  The Pack intercepted Jay Culter (big cry baby). Everyone cheered.  I threw my hands in the air, signalling "Victory!"  Husband looked at me like I was crazy. I smiled and concluded, "Sports are great.  There's just nothing better."

Pandora.  I listen to a certain sports radio station while at work.  I stream it through the computer and typically listen every day unless 1) OSU has just lost a disappointing game  2) OU has just won in an upset and/or big game or 3) It's a slow news days.  I'm going to go ahead and add to that list...4)  When the talent is on vacation.  The JV team is filling in while everyone is on holiday vacation, and well, it's not good. Not good at all. Remember with Zac Morris and the gang discovered the old radio station in the basement at Bayside?  And they revamped the old station?  Everyone had their topic to cover, and Slater seemed a natural fit for sports. But he was really, really bad at it.  Like really bad.  So they had to fire him, and no one knew how much it would damage their friendships with A.C.  That's very similar to what I was listening to earlier today, before I had to switch to Pandora.  Someone needs to tell Preppy he has to have that uncomfortable conversation.

Pokes.  You'll get my prediction and pre-game thoughts on Friday.

Peace out, homies.  (<-- yes, I'm aware that no one says this anymore.  Stop judging me.)

Christmas Letters

It's almost Christmas, and I've got some end-of-the-year thoughts I need to get out.  I hear snail mail is passe, so let me use this highly-influential blog to get my messages out, for I am a communicator of the future.

Dear Daughter,

You are by far, the most fun you've ever been.  SO much personality.   You are constantly on the move and I'm hoping that kick starts some calorie burning on my end, seeing as I can't stop eating cookies this holiday season. And while I find your mockingbird phase of repeating everything you hear to be fun, entertaining and a clear sign of your high intellect, you don't actually have to repeat EVERYTHING.  For example, when you are sitting with Mommy watching OSU basketball, and she yells "Damn!" after they lost the shooter on a ball screen, you don't have to yell, "Damn!" too.  It makes Mommy look bad.

XOXO,

Mommy


Dear Travis Ford,

Keep up the good work.  As you know, since I know you are a faithful reader of My Name is Not Kathy, I'm a fan.  I'm aware you have flaws (who doesn't?), but I believe in what you are doing.  The game on Saturday was a big win in my eyes. It's important to be able to beat a top 20 team on a neutral court.  Even more importantly, it's key to be able to hold off a team who makes a late surge. Because come March, everyone is playing for their life.  Let's focus a little more on free throwing shooting over the holidays.  I'm looking forward to our Big XII title and Final Four run.  I can't wait for the both of us to stand up and address the crowd and yell, "I told you so!"  Then we should drop the mic and do the Kid 'n Play.  Or did you have something else in mind?  I'll have to watch The Sixth Man over the break to see if you have a go-to move.

Hugs,

Kathy

Dear Mike Gundy,

Well, it's been a rough year for us, Mike.  Lots of ups and downs.  I feel like our relationship should be stronger through all the trials, but I'm not sure I'm there yet.  I think we can all agree that no one respects Missouri.  I mean come on.  Sure, they had a great season...but the SEC East hardly put up much of a fight.  Remember how great it felt to stomp on Missouri's throats in 2008?  Remember how fun it was watching Chase Daniel's big sad face get more and more forlorn?  I do.  It was awesome.  Let's do that again.   Of course, I want you to take them seriously...focus, focus, focus.  But maybe go ahead and pull out the victory visor in the second quarter.

Sending you love, hair gel, and tucked in sweatshirts, 

Kath


Dear Facebook,

Where's your sense of humor?  Why so serious?  Can we all lighten up a little?  I saw a picture of an old friend today that showcased how lovely she really is.  Lots of praise was heaped upon her, and I felt the need to tell her that I found her cute and skinny self annoying.  Shove a cookie in your mouth like the rest of us.  Actually, I didn't write that last part, because for as funny as I find myself, unfortunately there are more people who don''t.  Your loss people, your loss. In 2014, let's try a little less serious duck complaining and telling people their kids are "stinking cute," and more sarcasm and humor.  The world needs more funny people. Do your part.

Happy faces,

KHR


Okay, readers. Now it's up to you to get my messages to the respective parties.  Act as carrier pigeons. Go Forth!

And most importantly, Merry Christmas to you all.  And if you celebrated Hanukkah, I hope it was wonderful.  But Hanukkah is over, you can't keep celebrating, that's against the rules.

Mack the Knife

So Mack Brown got the knife.  The ax.  The ol' 86.  His walking papers.  The big ol' sayonara sweetheart.  Kind of a sad day, if you ask me.  I liked Mack.  He reminded me of that good ol' boy that you could drink beer with and before you parted ways, he'd slap you on the back and tell you how much he liked you.  Don't we all need more people like that in our lives?  I think we do.  (I don't know why I used 'ol three times in that paragraph.  I must be from good 'ol Oklahoma.  Yee haw).

Mack's firing was quite the topic of conversation in our house when the news broke.  First we discussed one possible candidate.

Kathy: Someone on Twitter just said Todd Graham (ASU head coach) would be a good choice.
Husband: He would be a good choice.  It would be great if they offered him the job and he turned it down.
Kathy: Sometimes you are so homerific, I wonder what it's like inside your head.
Husband: What?  I just said it would be great.  I didn't say I thought it would happen.
Kathy: Why in the world would he turn down Texas?  Are you crazy?
Husband: I just think it would be great for ASU, that's all I'm saying.
Kathy: Well, I think it would be great if Jesus stopped by our house tonight and blessed our child in person, but I don't think either of those things will happen.
Husband: You are hard to have conversations with.

Then we talked about another candidate.

Kathy: Maybe they will hire Gundy.  I would be fine with that.
Husband: I'm somewhat shocked at how much you dislike him.  I think he's done a really great job.
Kathy: He has.  But I haven't forgiven him for the stunt he pulled last year, flirting with other jobs.  Who tries to flaunt themselves as a top-level coach when you only win seven regular season games?
Husband: He was never going anywhere.  It was just a power play.
Kathy: And that's okay?  You'd be okay with your boy Todd Graham seeing who else wanted him?  What about if I did a little survey to see how many men were interested in dating me?  Just to see what the market was like?  Just to make sure that I was still a desirable candidate?  Would you be okay with that?  As long as I stayed?
Husband: Well...that's not  the same thing.
Kathy:   It's exactly the same. I couldn't be more spot on with my argument. He emotionally cheated on me, and I'm not over it.

Here are a list of candidates I would like to see hired for the job:

1. Les Miles.  He's so entertaining.  He eats grass.  He says crazy things.  We need more Les.
2. Harbaugh.  Either one.  Why?  Because they are so handsome.
3. Gruden. He's like half a notch less crazy than Miles, and I like that.
4. Bob Stoops.  Can you even imagine the amount of freak-out this would cause?  It would be so enjoyable to watch.  I asked Santa for this...fingers crossed.
5. Kevin Sumlin.  Because I'm all about controversy.
6. Mike Leach.  Bring back the pirate!  Can you imagine how mad that would make Craig James?  And I think we can all agree that an angry Craig James is good for America.

I'm always sad to see likable coaches go.  Hate to see the unlikable ones go as well, villains are good for sports.  I hope they are able to hire a good coach who is easy to hate, but not too good.  Let's not go win any national championships or anything....ain't nobody got time for that.

New Developments: Dancing Hobos and Jezebels

With a headline like that, how can you not be intrigued?  That's what we in the business call a teaser.  And by "business" I mean, people who write blogs and make things up.

A little housekeeping before I get started... My last post seemed to really resonate with people, Cowboys and Sooners alike.  Look at me, joining people together, just call me Kathy the Uniter.  Seeing as I opened Pandora's Box of a touchy subject, it would be unrealistic of me to think everyone agreed with my points.  I welcome comments, even the ones who thought I was wrong.  I did, however, receive a comment today that was a tad bit offensive.  And by tad bit, I mean, holy moly, it was bad.  Comma splices, misuse of capitalization, and run-on sentences.  Is grammar dead?  It also contained five cuss words, including the f-word and reference to inappropriate relations with an animal....and that's where Kathy draws the line.  Thanks for playing, but you've been assessed a flagrant 2.  Leave the court immediately.  I decided to delete the incredible work of prose.  Comment all you want, keep the f-word to yourself.

Moving on...

Since I'm on a temporary sports hiatus (my last remaining fantasy football team was taken behind the shed and shot Monday night), I thought I'd throw a little, "what's the haps with Kath" blog.  No need to fret, we'll get back to sportsing soon enough.

So these are the latest developments in my life as we speak:

I got a new phone last night.  The days of my old phone were numbered.  It was misbehaving, running out of energy left and right, and refusing to work with me.  It was time.  Like my fantasy football teams, it needed to be put out of its misery.  The end was nigh.  Fancy new phone has lots of bells and whistles, including syncing up with my car.  I can now have my car read me texts as they come in.  Texts take on a whole new feeling when the GPS lady is reading them out loud.  It's like I'm living in the future!  If I could only get my GPS/text orator in Ludacris's voice, I'm pretty sure my life would be complete.

While at the phone store last night, Ciara's 1, 2 Step, came on the sound system.  And guess who started to break it down?  My 15 month old little girl.  My heart swelled with pride.  My baby dances to hip hop!  Moms often talk of moments of pride while watching their children.  I had one of those moments watching her sway back and forth  to the line, "Goodies make the boys jump on it," It was hilarious.

I'm also working very hard to bring back the use of the words "jezebel" and "hobo."  Jezebel speaks for itself, it's paints a picture.  A word with great imagery, if you will.  I called someone a jezebel today, and I felt great about it afterward.  No worries, she's a friend and I said it to her face, so she knows how I really feel.  Now hobo on the other hand, that's a little dicier.  I looked up the official meaning on Urban Dictionary (always a reliable source), and come to find out, it's not an offensive term. Hobos work, but just not for very long and not in the same place.  Bums are stationary, hobos are mobile.  So there you go.  Now that I know the true meaning, I'm pretty sure I'm friends with a couple hobos.

Hobos and Jezebels would be a good name for a bar.  In fact, to any strangers out there who wish to call me names via blog comments, I invite you to say it to my face.  Meet me down at H&Js, I'll be the one with the baby dancing in the corner to DMX.

No Bedlam of Roses

Boooooo!  Booooooo!  BOOOOOO!

As you read that, I hope, in your head, you got louder with each one.  That was the effect I was going for.

I woke up today a little less mad than I was yesterday.  At this rate, I should be over this Bedlam loss by March.  So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I thought all day yesterday about what I wanted to write in this blog.  What angle did I want to take?  How could I write about the game, without totally losing my cool?  Was it even possible?  Doubtful.  So I'll just touch on a couple of topics, and we'll call it a day.

First, I'm happy to report, if I ever spend four hours outside in 17 degree weather with single-digit windchills again, I have compiled the perfect ensemble to keep myself warm.  Hooray!  I can officially apply to be an Eskimo.  On Saturday, I wore three pairs of leggings and jeans, two pair of wool socks (valued at $65), two pair of gloves (valued at $40), two winter jackets over my two shirts (valued at < $200), and a big puffer coat.  I announced in the car on our way, "I hope no one tries to steal me today, I'm very valuable."  Alas, the only thing that was stolen was my heart and soul.  I also used 8 hand warmers/toe warmers.  God bless the person who invented those.

Second, it seems like OU fans might have just learned this weekend that OSU fans don't like them.  I feel kind of sorry for them that this is brand new information, I've know this for more than 30 years.  You know how you feel about Texas?  We feel that way about you.  And when you beat us, it gets worse.  At least now you know.  As GI Joe says, knowing is half the battle.

And finally, as if the loss wasn't hard enough to stomach on its own, social media has been a buzz with the claims that OSU fans are terrible fans. Pretty sure I've seen the phrase "low class" used 859 times.  You have sufficiently made your point.  Here are my thoughts, in no particular order:

• I think the days of OSU fans claiming that they are "the best" fans, is probably over.  I, personally, believe this correlates directly with success.  Back in the good ol' days, we weren't very good.  So no one expected to win, and when we did it was a nice little surprise.  You can't really talk trash, when your team goes 0-10-1.  But now we are better, and fans expect to win.  And with that comes bad behavior.  Throwing stuff at players...not our finest moment.   Gone are the days of the Lovable Losers. Embrace who you are, Pokes...loyal to a fault and there are some bad apples in the bunch.
• Speaking of embracing who you are...come on OU.  Enough with the, "Golly!  I can't believe they were so mean to us!"   "What the heck!  That sure hurt my feelings."  The OU team was jazzed up from the beginning.  They were hyped and talking noise from the start.  I watched multiple players rip their helmets off and celebrate when a big play was made.  Jaz Reynolds went so far as to come over to our sidelines to express how excited he was (punk).  And at the end of the day, that trash talk was backed up by their victory.  But when the game was over, the players ran directly to the OSU student section to celebrate.  Jumping.  Hootin' and hollerin'. And middle fingers raised in the air to show who they thought was #1.  From what I can tell, OU fans believe that the student section should have given them a standing ovation for their effort on the field.  Instead, upon being flipped off, the students threw stuff.  Here's some age-old advice...if you don't want stuff thrown at you, don't taunt the crowd.  And in all my 30+ years of attending sports, I've never seen "the bird" go over well with opposing fans.  No one thinks, "Look at all that pride that young man has, he can't help but express himself through hand signals." You can't play both victim and villain.  You can't taunt all game, and then be shocked the fans lose it.  Isn't that the point of your taunting?  To get people riled up? I try to live my life by the following mantra, "If you don't want to be punched in the face, don't perform punchable acts."
• Our cheerleader tried to trip a player....  What could I possibly say about this?  He obviously took the "be aggressive" cheer literally.

I've got several Sooner fans as friends.  And I know they are totally stoked with the victory.  I'd say I'm happy for them, but that would be a lie.  But I beg of you, enough with the complaining about the low class fans.  We are big meanies.  And you are the winners. Just let me wallow in my misery and go about your day.

Also of note, the Sundevils didn't make it to the Rose Bowl.  They got stomped by Stanford.  And then yesterday Drew Brees was the cause of me losing in fantasy football for the second week in a row.  Cool story, Drew.  You're dead to me.

On a scale of 1-10, I'd give this weekend a -8 1/2.  If we were talking temperature, I'd be golden.  But we aren't, so no amount of hand warmers can make this right. 

Booooooo!

That was weird

So this weekend was pretty weird.  I feel like I really grew as a person, because of all the things I learned.  Grow, grow, grow.  Expand your mind.  That's what I'm doing, just getting smarter and smarter, and more worldly by the minute.  You should all be afraid.  Soon, I will know everything.

Let's start with the, "what did you learn from a bad situation" scenarios, and then we'll finish with some a little peppier, okay?

I learned on Saturday night that grumpy men sitting in Row RR at John Mayer concerts do not like to have beer spilled on them.  I probably knew this all along, but it was definitely confirmed on Saturday night.  Let me set the scene for you...we had decent seats, but they were "behind-the-goal" if you will, so they were temporary and a little wobbly.  Aluminum is like that.  Great for soda pop, not so great for stability.  As I was walking to my seat, I stepped on the lady's bag next to me.  Wobble, wobble goes Kathy...and hence my beer spilled on Grumpy McScrooge in row RR.  I immediately apologized, "I'm so incredibly sorry," I professed.  This was met with cold dead eyes.  For a second, I thought, "My god, he doesn't even know that I spilled on him.  Why else would he provide no reaction at all?  Should I tell him why I'm apologizing?  What am I supposed to do now?" I kept walking, really embarrassed.  This is why I can't have nice things.   It became quite clear that this gentleman did not like getting spilled on, not one bit.  I learned this through the five over-the-shoulder stink faces I received.  Two would have been sufficient.  By #4, I was not really sorry any more.  The thing about accidents is that they are just that, on accident.  If they weren't, they'd be called, "on purposes."  And of my $7 beer, I spilled approximately $0.25 worth.  So, I'm sorry for that.  Next time, I'll drink at least $1 worth before entering my row.

Last night, someone tried to break in to our house.  The alarm blared at 3:45 am.  I have a baseball bat under my side of the bed for just the occasion.  My sorority paddle is on the other side of the bed, because I believe in bludgeoning intruders, I suppose.  Pi Phi till I die!  I learned last night, that the one flaw in my plan, is that when an alarm goes off in the middle of the night, it causes me great confusion, and I think it's the alarm on my phone.  So instead of taking a weapon with me to face the intruder, I took my phone.  Guess I could have thrown it at him, or tweeted about how scared I was.  Looks like Husband and I are going to need to run, "Intruder Drills" so I can train myself to grab blunt objects, not electronics in the face of danger.  In case you are wondering, the alarm scared the hamburglar off...or he got a look of my messy house and thought, "Somebody's already cased this joint."

And finally, I learned that decorating for Christmas provides quite the challenge when you have a 14-month-old tornado residing with you.  We officially entered the, "I must touch everything in the room" phase on Thursday.  There's no turning back.  All valuables and breakables must be hidden for the next two years.  I hope it's only two, when do kids stop breaking stuff?  After putting up the Christmas tree yesterday, she grabbed the branches and shook it on three different occasions.  So...no ornaments in 2013.  It's best for everyone involved.  Also, Christmas doesn't exist in our home below three feet.  All decorations reserved for shelves.  I remember reading a "Puppies for Dummies" book when we first got Mr. Bojangles.  It said it was important to put the puppy in situations where it could succeed.  I'm applying the same theory to raising a human.  Put her in situations where she can succeed, not destroy.  Preferably in a really adorable outfit.

BREAKING NEWS: just received a text from Husband saying that our little wild child had a problem using "nice hands" at daycare today.  I think that's their way of saying she was hitting the other children.  Note to self, take baby with you the next time you have an intruder, her instincts are better than yours.