Take a walk on the wild side

I have to admit, the title of this blog was inspired by the Motley Crue classic, "Wild Side."  Remember Motley Crue?  Big hair band of the 80s and 90s, now perform at casinos and state fairs.  My brother was a big Motley Crue fan in his adolescence.  Parents thought they were devil worshippers.  Standard operating procedure in Kathy's childhood.  For the record, I do think Vince Neil is harmless.  The only danger he poses is to the ozone layer with his use of hairspray.

Speaking of Kathy, it has been a BIG week for her.  Two email responses to Kath, even though Katie is the one who originally sent them.  Weird.  But the best moment came while I was wearing a name tag that clearly read "Katie" yet, still I was called Kathy.  I cannot explain this phenomenon.

But let's get to the point, shall we?  I frequent a very shady gas station at least two or three times a week. It's the closest one to my work, and I like their $1.19 jumbo Diet Cokes.  There is, however, a very strong chance that I will get shanked one day if I continue this practice.  What can I say?  I live dangerously.  Welcome to Kathy's life on the edge.

As I waited in line yesterday, I observed another patron who was either a crackhead or on meth.  I wondered to myself, "Do crack heads know how crazy they come across?"  I bet they don't.  I feel like they would reign it in a bit, if they had any idea.  This fine citizen payed for $7.26 worth of gas in change.  She rocked back and forth and was twitching.  I could not turn my eyes away.

Not wanting to be victim to a violent act, I turned my attention to my surroundings.  I noticed the pregnancy tests that sit right next to the gourmet jerky, and the fake flowers in their own stand.  And then of course there is my nemesis, the life sized cut out in the corner.  Give or take a few years, I estimate this cutout was produced in 1993.  It's a lifeguard with feathery locks and a million-dollar smile.  He wants me to buy Bud Light.  He also scares me often.  I know he is there, yet he catches me off guard almost every time.  I do not like life size cutouts, with the exception of Elvira.  No beef with the Mistress of the Dark.

So I passed the hunky lifeguard and climbed into my car.  And then I did what I always do, I imagined the worst case scenario and formulated a plan.  If, on one of my bucket o' cola runs, a crime was to occur in said gas station, what would I do?  WWKD?  I'll tell you what Kathy would do, she would probably run.  If it was a small criminal holding up the store, I might try to knock him out with my purse.  But more than likely I would run.  I would catch a quick picture on my cell phone, for posterity, and then Kathy would be out the door.

No need to worry people.  I have an exit strategy.  Besides, if I eliminate these shady gas station runs, where will my material come from?  I love free entertainment.  I NEED that gas station in my life.

On a final note, I would encourage all of you to refrain from Google image searching the following phrase, "scary gas stations."  What is wrong with people out there?  The internets are a scary place....much like my gas station.

Fill 'er up.

I take my Gaddafi with a little sugar

So Gaddafi is dead.  I'm not sure if you heard or not, but he is dunnzo.  He was hanging out in the sewer, a guy with a golden gun found him, and that's all she wrote.

I have a few thoughts on this matter.

1. I won't claim to know as much as I should about Gaddafi.  I have a VERY general grasp on his reign in Libya.  But what I do know is that he was an evil-doing bad guy.  Everyone knows any evil ruler's one main goal is to destroy/take over the world.  All you have to do is watch any Austin Powers movie or Pinky and the Brain. So here, here NATO soliders/revolutionists/freedom fighters!  I really like the part of the story that he was shot with his own golden gun.  Straight out of a movie, my friends.  
2. Does it make anyone else uncomfortable that every citizen in Libya  owns a machine gun/uzi?  Gun control issues aside, does every person really need an automatic weapon?  I feel like the answer is no.  I am of course, a proponent of knife fights.  Much more West Side Story/Adventures in Babysitting.  Chinese stars are fun too.  And brass knuckles.  I remember seeing a guy at the Payne County Fair when I was a kid who was wearing brass knuckles.  Hooligans of Stillwater come prepared for battle...even to the fair.
3. I watched the clip of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton receive news of Gaddafi's death.  She remained pretty calm.  Two words: let down.  Would have really amped up the awesomeness if she would have started high fiving everyone in the room.  I would react that way.  I'd probably keep a little confetti in my pocket too, for just such an occasion.  Up high, down low, confetti.  Boom!  Ol' Hill doesn't strike me as a high fiver, which is okay by me, but maybe a fist bump or even a thumbs up would have taken that video from a 6 to an 11.

That's all.  Those are my thoughts on current events.  Don't you feel smarter?  You're welcome.

I apologize for lack of blogs lately.  It's amazing how being busy takes away time to write pithy blogs about nothing.  

Penny for your thoughts?

You know that old saying, "Penny for your thoughts?"  Well, here is a dime's worth.

1. Birds are rude.  I determined this as I watched a gaggle of geese fly over my neighborhood.  Several of these hooligans were pooping while flying.  Where is your decency?  That's what makes people different than birds: common courtesy.  That and wings.
2. I saw a bumper sticker on the way to work today that said, "Jesus loves Yoga."  On second glance, I realized it actually said, "Jesus loves You," but the crazy font looked like "yoga."  I like the first version better.  I might start making Jesus loves Yoga bumper stickers.
3. I'm immune to passive aggression.  When husband and I were at the airport a week or so ago, we took a seat while we waited.  An old curmudgeon said to her husband, "Every time I try to sit down, someone steals my seat."  I responded, "You should be faster."
4. I wondered last night if a raccoon would make a good pet.  They are so cute.  I really like that they are always dressed as burglars. 
5. The best thing to happen to me today was discovering that Clayton Kershaw (left handed pitcher for the Dodgers) is the great-nephew of the guy who discovered  Pluto.  The non-planet, not Mickey Mouse's pet.
6. It's weird that Mickey Mouse had a pet.  He was a mouse.  Mice don't have pets, that's just silly.
7. I heckled Husband at his softball game last night.  I really need to work on being more supportive.  In my defense, he needed to be more aggressive on the base path.
8. Had one of the most annoying phone conversations ever this afternoon.  To sum up the convo, this guy was talking to me about creating videos for YouTube to promote things.  Everything I said, he responded, "Rock on."  Then he asked me what song I might want to use.  I said, "Heart of a Champion."  Him, "Hmmm, so gospel?"  Me, "Um no.  Hip hop."  You don't know Nelly?  Were you born after 2004?  He later asked me if I wanted to give him a high five.  You clearly know nothing about Kathy, she doesn't high five.  Especially over the phone. Rock on aborted.
9. I put a yard sign in our yard advertising Mistletoe Market.  You should go by the way, it's next weekend.  The next day I came home and there was another sign.  I was confused.  That's not really how it's supposed to work.
10. Today Husband emailed me about s'mores.  He made a slight typo: "You know I know s'mores."  I responded by asking, "When did you meet?"  He wrote back and said, "I take it back, s'mores are quiet.  I am not sure anyone can really KNOW them."  Very witty.  When other people make witty comments, I am instantly amused, and then annoyed that I didn't make the joke myself.

I'm thinking my next blog should be a point/counterpoint with Odd Holler...anyone interested?

So, I was thinking...

Hey there, friend.  I've been on sabbatical.  Did you miss me?  I sure missed you.

In all honesty, I have approximately six blogs I could write with the material I've acquired, but no one likes super long blogs, so I'll just give you a few of my thoughts, feelings and reflections.  Don't you worry your pretty little heads, though.  I can always expand on any topic, just raise your hand. (This blog ended up being really long anyway, sorry).

Now let's begin...

It is quite possible that I have missed my calling.  I think I might have been destined to be an actress.  I just seem to be a little more dramatic than most people.  I had an ah-ha moment last week when I was emailing Husband, and I actually shrugged while writing, shook my head and then smiled while hitting send.  Seriously.  I perform when no one is watching.  Today, I wrote an email I was so pleased with, I ended it with "Here, here!"  And raised my Nalgen water bottle in a toast.  I was all by myself, in my office.  I should be in the theater...my talents are being wasted in Oklahoma.

Husband and I visited Arizona last weekend.  Nice little mini-vacay.  Enjoyed that beautiful brisk Arizona fall...107 and rising.  On our flight back, I looked out the window at the Will Rogers World Airport.  Much to my dismay, I saw the bag handler throwing boxes from the cargo area onto a cart.  Why, you might be wondering, would this bother me so?  Well, this woman was chucking boxes labeled, "EXTREMELY FRAGILE" "LIVE TROPICAL FISH INSIDE" "THIS END UP"  Yet, she was not being gentle, and had blatant disregard for the arrows for which end was up.  A co-worker came over and joined in her shenanigans.  I then took a picture.  Which caught the attention of one of the bag handlers.  He didn't looked pleased.  I felt a little nervous, then reminded myself and Husband, "I'm a journalist.  I'm just doing my job."  Lesson learned: Don't ship your live, fragile tropical fish via Southwest.  Outlook is cloudy.

We were watching Parenthood the other night in which a rat made a cameo appearance.  I announced the following, "If we ever had a rat in this house, I would move out.  I would leave immediately and never come back."  Husband informed me that, "That's a little dramatic, even for you."  That's fine.  He and the rat can sit and talk about how dramatic Kathy is...should be a great conversation.  Best of luck to you both.

And finally, I would like to share with you how we spent our Saturday night.  ASU was playing late, kickoff approximately 9:36 pm.  We had to go to the local watering hole, because it wasn't being shown on any of our 700 cable channels.  Here's to you Cox cable, for showing the Duke vs. Florida International game, but not a top 25 game.  Top notch selection.  Anywho, we strolled into Buffalo Wild Wings, where we were surrounded by the local crowd who had just watched their team dismantle the Fighting Football Cardinals.  People had imbibed, they were all a little saucy.  Husband and I were the only two people in the bar watching football and dressed in bright yellow.  Much to our surprise, BWW turns into a rowdy karaoke bar at 10pm.  Saddle up, it's about to get real.  It was awful karaoke, with an abundance of country cheatin' music.  The bouncer and his girlfriend, who insisted on being called Sassy, literally laid on our table while caressing each other.  And to top it all off, ASU was playing very, very poorly.  Husband was getting angrier and angrier by the moment.  I was extremely amused.  It was a sitcom moment, the audience at home would have been rolling.  It's hard to say what the best moment was.  Could have been when a young lady in sexy tight clothes sang, "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," and ended her melody with, "Two months people, two months."  Or it could have been when a guy who claimed to play football at OSU sang, badly, "Here and Now," and a couple who was very much in love slow danced while he sang. Gold, pure gold.  Can't make this stuff up.  We did find the worse the karaoke, the better ASU played.  So when Evanescence came on, I knew we had a 90-yard touchdown pass in store.  Devils won.  And I laughed.  Good times.  I'll see you all there on Saturday night.

Oh and for those keeping track at home, I went 2-2 in Fantasy this week.  Got a little cocky.  Don't worry, Kathy is humble once again.

Gaaa, you're such a snob

Last week in a meeting, I was confronted with my least favorite type of person at the moment: a Twitter snob.  Believe me when I tell you, they are the WORST.  I was poo-pooed because of the number of followers I have.  In a meeting.  At work.  And then the following statement was said to me, "I spend all day on Twitter."  Um...do you remember this a work meeting, not happy hour?  Good for you and all your followers.  No need to snort your judgment at me.  Kathy does not approve.

There are all kinds of snobs out there, some I support, some I get very annoyed with.  So, in true Kathy fashion, I'll outline the worst kinds, and the ones I support.  You should know that the ones I support are the ones I agree with.  For I am a snob too.

THE WORST

1. Music snobs.  Seriously, we get it.  You only appreciate quality music.  You knew about that band way before they went mainstream.  Pop music annoys you, there's no musicality.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Got it.  I like pop music.  It's fun.  It's short for "popular."  You know who was considered pop musicians?  The Beatles.  And The Jackson 5.  You got something bad to say about Tito or Ringo?  No, I didn't think you did.  Just appreciate it for what it is.  
2. Wine/beer snobs.  We all know them.  They are annoyed by those of us who lack distinguished palates.    I didn't get to take Wine Tasting in college and I feel like that was my only shot.  Here is the thing, I actually applaud people who really know about wine.  But those of us who don't aren't losers or creetens.  We are from Oklahoma.  And our dad's drank Coors Light.  Beer snobs on the other hand reside in the north.  Where it always snows and the sun never shines.  Yes, I'm talking about Michigan.  If you order a Bud Light in Michigan, the record scratches and the room goes silent.  It's really quite ridiculous.  Michigan is apparently Miller Lite country.  Kathy stands firmly by her motto of "It's all yellow."
3. TV snobs.  I have had several friends who are TV snobs.  Or lack-of-tv snobs.  They say things like, "I don't have cable."  Or "I only watch Nat Geo."  Well good for you.  But I think that is dumb.  You aren't actually better than other people because you don't watch TV.  Frankly, I think it's weird.  Unless you are crunchy and granola and spend all your time outside with the squirrels.  In that case, you are better than me.  You'd be amazed what that magical box can teach you.  Embrace it.  Don't let all of Phil Farnsworth's hard work go to waste.

ACCEPTABLE SNOBBERY

1. Travel snobs.  I'm a travel snob.  I openly admit it.  It really comes out when I fly Southwest.  Why is lining up in numerical order so difficult for the general population?  They are numbers.  They go from smallest to biggest.  Someone should have taught you this in kindergarden.  The only way it could be easier is if your name was written on a piece of tape on the floor.  But if you haven't heard, times are tough, and we can't afford that.  So every single Southwest flight, there are people wandering around super confused about where to stand and where to go.  And these people always seem to cut in line.  You aren't allowed to cut.  No cutsies.  You should have learned that in kindergarden too.
2. Sports seats snobs.  Okay, here is the deal, this specific snobbery was hatched in the fact that I have been very lucky to be born into a family that loves sports and has season tickets to everything.  Yay family!  So when you get used to sitting close enough to hear the coaches cuss at the players, it is almost impossible to adjust to far-away seats.  Kathy has tried, and Kathy just cannot sit in the nosebleeds.  It causes her soul to die.  True story.  So I have a certain standard, and I refuse to give in.  There is only one small flaw in this snobbery... Kath doesn't have the funds to support such tastes.  Damn my champagne tastes on a Bud Light diet.  I tried watching my Cowboys once at a bar, but when I yelled, "Stop juking and just run forward!" loudly, everyone stared.  Even the bartender.  Whoopsie.  While Craigslist can be scary (see Lifetime) a bargain shopper such as myself can find a good deal on tickets.  Until I do finally win the lottery (fingers crossed) tracking down affordable good seats via the internets is in the cards for Kathy and Husband.  The only time I waiver on this standard is when I'm attending sporting events in which I could care less who wins.  I cheer for the home team with the locals.  Good times.
3. Shoe snobs.  Everyone should be a shoe snob.  It's what God would want.  Ugly shoes are bad.  Crocs are bad.  Shoes are the one thing in your closet that are guaranteed to fit, and that should make you feel good about yourself.  Unless you are victim to a growth spurt.  I keep hoping that I'll have another growth spurt.  I even measured myself in my office today.  I was waiting for my computer to update itself, I was listening to Adele and bored out of my mind (this was after hours so no need to report this to the authorities).  So I used my tape measure....still 5'8 1/2" I want to be 5'9".  I think I can then officially refer to myself as tall.  I'll keep you posted on my progress.  And in case you forgot what my original point was, it happens, shoes are important.  It's important to care about them.  Caring is sharing.

So there you go.  I ask this of you during National Friendship Week (it's not really National Friendship Week, but let's just all pretend) when someone doesn't know as much as you or like the same things you do, remember that they aren't wrong.  They are just different.  Different isn't bad, it's just different.  Maybe instead of hating on Twitter novices, you could just take them under your wing and be helpful.  Help those baby birds fly.  See what I just did there?  Twitter? Wings? Baby Birds?  Genius.

Tuesdays with Teddy

Not to be confused with Tuesdays with Morrie.  You will not get the same warm fuzzies from me that Morrie gave you.  But I will tell you that, Tuesdays with Teddy might become a regular column.  Let's see how the first one goes, shall we?

First, let's discuss the name.  This morning on the phone, I was referred to as "Teddy."  And this was someone I have had multiple conversations with.  So, that's that.  Kathy, Peggy, and Teddy.  None of those are Katie.  I give up.

The most important thing that happened today was that first thing I did out of bed was confirm  my status in fantasy football.  For those playing along at home, I went 4-0.  Yep, undefeated.  I won in the all-male league.  My victory was rewarded with profanity on the league's site.  As we have already established, I am a lady.  A dainty, proper lady who would never repeat the things these men write.  But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it.  I'm a winner.  I beat boys.  I am awesome.  Go, Teddy, Go!

Then I cried at work.  I'm just so upset over this conference realignment talk.  Why can't they make a decision?  In all seriousness, I was emailing with a friend who is amazing and needs to be told as much.  So as I typed out my electronic pep talk, tears sprung to my eyes.  I blame this on either a.) I may be a  little too sensitive or b.) the middle of the night football game I attended on Saturday/Sunday is still seriously affecting me.  Why am I still so tired?  It was three days ago.  Is this what being in your 30s is like?  Frick.

And finally, the absolute highlight of the day (sans the Glee premiere tonight) was when Google revealed to me that karma does exist.  I love you Google, I really, really do.  Now how do I explain this to you, my loyal readers, without actually telling you what happened.  I do not condone talking badly about people on the interweb.  Not real people, people that I actually know.  Hiding behind your computer saying mean things about people is bad.  Unless its about Manu Ginobili or Phillip Rivers.  That's not bad, it's right.  Go forth.  Okay, back to my karma story, I'm going to try to be very vague, and I might just make some details up.  But don't you worry, I will tell the whole story one day when I finish my book.  Until then, this is all I can say.

Back in the day I had a very negative person in my life.  This person was like every Disney bad guy ever.  Ursula, Cruella Deville, Scar, Jafar, all of them.  This person had an evil cackle, flared nostrils, and just bad mojo.  I thought when we parted ways, the Evil One would be out of my life.  But it never works this way, now does it?  Evil One kept doing evil things that were affecting me. What's a Kathy to do?  I spent a lot of time praying for lightening strikes.  But every time I researched or internet creeped, it seemed as though great things were continuing to happen to Evil One.  Why universe?  Why?  It's not fair.  So today, as I was working on something else, I happened to come across a lead.  I like to use journalism terms to justify my obsessive compulsive fact-finding.  

Anyway, I have no idea why I never Googled Evil One's name.  Seriously, Kathy, you should be ashamed of yourself.  So I Googled, and Shazam!  Gold, pure internet gold!  Evil One got what was coming, via the long arm of the law.  Oh happy day!  I couldn't stop smiling.  I called my mom.  I emailed Husband.  I emailed my friend the Sexy Mex.  I could not withhold my joy.  And then I started to worry.  If I take joy out of karma coming around, will that result in bad karma for me?  No, no, no!  That is not the plan.  Bad things should happen to bad people.  And why can't I enjoy that?  I deserve it.  Evil One tortured me.  Why can't I enjoy their name popping up in Google as a criminal?  Why universe?  Why?

I need someone, way more enlightened than I am, to explain the rules of karma to me.  I need to know if it's okay for me to relish in this.  What if I just relish in it for a short time?  Let's say four days.  I took Asian Philosophy in college and this was not on the test.

**Editor's note: You can actually tell the level of my excitement by the number of exclamation marks I used.  I never use them.  I don't believe in them.

Conclusions Drawn

I thought when I searched for an image about "drawing conclusions" I'd get a clever play on words, like a pencil drawing the word "conclusion." Instead, I found this.  You know what I learned from this graphic?  That bears can run 40 miles per hour.  Conclusion drawn: Kathy doesn't know all there is to know about bears.

I'm going to share some things with you all this afternoon about observations I've made and the conclusions I have drawn from those observations.  I wish I would have thought of diagramming these conclusions, but alas I did not.

Yesterday on the Today Show, Dr. Oz tried to tell me that apple juice contains poison.  Matt Lauer raised some serious flaws in his theory, yet he held firm.  Conclusions drawn: Dr. Oz is annoying and his face seems to be pulled too tight.  Everyone loves apple juice, why are you ruining it for us?  I will drink apple juice in spite of him.

I went home for lunch the other day and came across an article on Yahoo! that challenged people to live without their credit card and cell phone for a day. "That wouldn't be that hard," I thought.  Then I went back to work and realized I left my phone at home.  Conclusion drawn: I seem to be susceptible to subliminal advertising.  Reminded me of that Saved by the Bell episode when Zack Morris put the subliminal message in the song to convince Kelly to be his Valentine.  Oh Preppy, you were such a rascal.

I check my blog stats pretty regularly.  It feeds my ego.  Deal with it.  Here is what is very odd, back in July I wrote a blog about posters on my wall.  I included a little segment about Kriss Kross.  Well that blog continues to get hits...every day...in the U.K. I can see what phrase people are searching, and that phrase on google.uk is "kriss kross."  Conclusion drawn: Kriss Kross is making a comeback oversees and I may be the only person in the States aware of it.  Until now.  Spread the word.

The other night I got sucked into watching America's Next Top Model All-Star Shoot Out.  Okay, I don't actually know the official name, but it was something like that.  Conclusion drawn: Everyone on that show is an idiot.  Jay Manuel was dressed identical to Fred from Scooby Doo, ascot and all.  Even though this show has been on for 45 years and has yet to produce a "Top Model," they all seem to think this will be their big break.  And Tyra Banks is the most annoying person on the planet.   Do you know she wrote a children's book about a little girl who was so pretty she had special powers and could smile with her eyes?  She did.  You should hate her like I do.  And the final conclusion drawn from this is that I'm the biggest idiot of them all for letting Tyra Banks steal 60 minutes of my life and little piece of my soul.

I just proof read this blog.  Conclusion drawn: I am incredibly skilled at finding a topic that has absolutely nothing to do with anything, and making it into "something."  Something good?  Yet to be determined.  But definitely something.

Happy Friday!  Go Pokes!