Ride, Ride, Ride

I don't know about you guys, but I'm having a major sports hangover.  Such big games last week, I literally don't know what to do with myself.  I will probably randomly shout out, "Rebound!" or "Tackle him!" just to get my fix of sports yelling, one of my favorite past times.  Last week, I seriously contemplated kicking a cup of ice out of Husband's hands, just to see the reaction.  I don't know if that has anything to do with sports, but I thought it would be so funny.  When I told him about my non-executed plan, he just stared at me.  "It would have been hilarious," I said.  His response, "You're a jerk."

So my Cowboys, all of them, are great at everything right now.  I'm a happy little fan.  I love being a winner, it's what I was born to be.  Thank you, Oklahoma State for making me feel like the winner I always knew I was.

As I sit atop my winning mount, the following things intrigue me...

Chelf, as in Choo Choo. Why in the world is it so hard for people to pronounce this kid's last name?  Chelf.  Not Shelf.  Since when have you pronounced "ch" to sound like "sh"?  Do you order a shicken sandwich?  Do you then shew your shicken?  This is not a tricky foreign name like Patrick Roy.  He's from Enid, Oklahoma.  Chelf.  As in Choo Choo.  As in chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.  As in CHAMPION.

The good ol' days. If I hear one more OSU basketball fan talk about the "good ol' days of Gallagher Iba," I may lose my mind.  "I miss the good ol' days," they say.  "It's not like it used to be," they moan.  You know why it's not like it used to be?  Because of fans like you, who are holding on to the way things were 10 years ago.  Times change. Basketball isn't played in the past.  It's played right now, in the present.  So knock off the "back in my day," speak and get your butt in the seat.  I'll be there, yelling so loud I get light-headed.  Keep it up, and soon you'll be saying, "Remember when OSU had a championship team, and I was too busy complaining on facebook to support them?  I should have listened to Kathy."

Time outs and hugs. Saturday night was so amazing.  If I would have had feeling in my toes, it would have been the absolutely perfect night.  Here are the things you need to know about my experience at this game:

1. On two different occasions after big defensive plays, I yelled, "GET ON HIS LEVEL!"  If you were curious how ridiculous I am, there's your answer.
2. There is a lady who sits a couple rows behind us who has a very loose grasp on the rules of football.  I suppose that's fine (not really), but she screams/squawks loudly throughout each game.  When she screams, it sounds like someone is torturing a baby lamb. I assume it's similar to what haunted Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs ("lambs...they were screaming.") Sometimes she just yells out random things like, "Their socks look like boots!" or "What in the world are they doing?!"  It's called a squib kick.  Get it together, lady.  But her favorite thing to do is scream to the sidelines for a time out.  It takes every bit of self control for me not to turn around and point out that they pay Gundy almost $4 million a year to know when to call timeouts.  Slow your roll.  
3. On the other end of the spectrum, we had a guy sit in front of us, who was so joyous, it was contagious.  At one point, he lost a glove giving high fives.  As I've stated before, I'm not really a high five type of person.  But I went so far as to DOUBLE high five this guy.  And then, the best play ever occurred.  Baylor was threatening to score, everyone was nervous they were going to make a game of it.  The screaming lamb was yelling, "What are you doing?! Tackle him!  Get an interception!  Throw it to Blackmon!" and then they muffed the snap.  Touchdown Cowboys!  I yelled the entire time. I was jumping up and down, pulling on Husband's sleeve.  It was amazing.  And the guy in front of us hugged everyone around him.  He just went down the row.  Who am I to say no to a guy wearing one glove and giving out free hugs?  So I embraced a stranger.  That's how great Saturday night was.

Reflection.  Before the season started, I wrote my little "wish list" blog about what I wanted out of the Cowboys this year.  As a reminder, I asked for the following, "I want the Cowboys to break someone else's heart this year...crush the souls of some other fan base."  And lo and behold, we did it!  And it felt as good as I had predicted.  If we beat OU, my prediction/wish list blog may certify me as a clairvoyant. I can see the future.  GET ON MY LEVEL!  

I'm sorry, your list is incomplete

Guys, I have to admit, I'm extremely humbled.  Everyone seems to be in the list-making mood, which I can only assume was inspired by this blog and the many, many lists I've made over the years.  I'd like to thank my family, my OCD-based need to write everything down, and my intuitive nature that lets me know that everything in some way or form ties back to me.  This is all very touching.

In honor of the "I've been given #9" trend, I shall present you with my list of strangest things to happen to me this week.  I've been give #3.  I gave it to myself.

1. I met a college kid this week, who upon learning that I was an Oklahoma State grad said, "I'm sorry."  It was not the response I was looking for.  My immediate reaction was a desire to shove him to the ground and yell, "Sorry?  I'll show you sorry!"  Just kidding, I'm a pacifist, I would never do that.  Okay, maybe I would, it's hard to say.  I think the more proper response would have been one of the following:

• "Oooooh, that's so impressive!  You must be brilliant."
• "I'm so jealous.  I wish I could have gone there."
• "Orange really is the prettiest color."
• "Wow, your football, basketball, wrestling, and baseball teams are so much better than ours.  What's it like to be a winner?"

Whatever, kid.  I'm proud of my orange blood and Cowboyness, and you should be careful who you say that to in the future.  Kathy would straight up karate chop your throat.

2. Yesterday morning, I was perusing Twitter.  I saw a post declaring how amazing this video was because it feature Toronto Mayor Ford wearing a jersey with "Mayor Ford" on the back.  Always up for a good soundbite and crazy Canadian antics, I clicked on through.  Ummmm, there was no warning of what that whack-a-doo was going to say.  To say the very least, it was not appropriate for work.  Or home.  Or life.  Okay, I'm overreacting, but what he said was the LAST thing I expected to come out of a politician's mouth.  Good gracious.  I won't repeat it on here, because 1. I'm a lady and 2. If someone googles my name in the future, that specific phrase is not something I wanted associate with this extremely professional and classy brand I've built for myself.  

I'm telling you guys, he's like Charlie Sheen and Chris Farley rolled into one, with a sprinkling of Jim Carey (he's the first insane Canadian to come to mind).  Note to self, do not open any Mayor Ford links at work.

3. And finally, the internet jumped up and bit me again yesterday afternoon.  Twitter is a dangerous mysterious land, people.  You all need to be more careful.  Someone I follow posted the following, "Ummmm....{instagram link}."  I was intrigued.  What could this be?  This girl is neither offensive nor Canadian, so I figured I was safe.  Not true.  It was a picture of a possum.  And it was bleeding from the mouth.  And it had tumors on it's snout.  Yes, it was literally my worst nightmare.  The only thing that could have made it worse is if it was in 3D.  I froze, threw up on my keyboard and broke into a cold sweat.  Actually, none of those things happened, but I did get nauseous...

Because possums are the devil.  How many times do we have to go over this?  It's not a joke.  They are horrible, horrible animals.  Somebody get Obama on the phone, it needs to be mandated that no one can post pictures of them without a fair warning.  And it should say, "WARNING: This is the worst thing you will ever see."

I came home and told Husband of the multiple landmines I stepped on throughout the day.  After telling him about being lured into the evil Twitter trap, the following conversation occurred:

Kathy:  Do you know this means there are possibly a wild herd of cancerous possums running lose in Oklahoma City?  If I ever saw one of those in person, I would first soil myself and then pass out.  I think we have to move.

Husband: Move from Oklahoma City?

Kathy: Move out of Oklahoma.

Husband: We should move to Canada...they seem like a fun group of people.

All the Single Ladies Run Roughshod

You know how a really good interview answer is to talk about the importance of being a life-long learner?  How you should always strive to learn something new, never settle for what you already know?  There is always more to learn, more ways to expand your knowledge and understanding, and more ways to grow... Well, I rocked that theory this weekend.  Freakin' Encyclopedia Brown up in here!  Okay, maybe that metaphor doesn't work...because he already knew stuff.  My weekend was probably closer to Amelia Bedelia, if we are sticking with literary characters from my childhood, and why wouldn't we?

I'd like to start with a sincere apology to you, my readers.  The title of last Friday's blog was, "Friday List." I didn't even have the courage to come up with anything that resembled clever.  I'm better than that.  You deserve more.  Hence my power-packed title today.  The median of the two should equal something similar to an enjoyable pun.

These are the things I've learned since last writing...

...The Kansas band is a good time.  Of everyone at the stadium on Saturday, they were clearly having the best time.  At half time, they did the Beyonce Single Ladies dance.  And because of that, no matter what the scoreboard said, to me, they were the real winners that day...

...The phrase is "running roughshod," not "running rickshaw."  I'm guessing, I was probably the only one who didn't know this.  It makes more sense to me to say, "We ran rickshaw over them."  I  like that mental image of running over someone with a wooden cart you power with your legs.  I don't even know what a roughshod is.  Can we lobby to change it?  What is that petition website?  Let's get this movement going! Moveon.org!...oh wait, I think I'm off topic.  Anyway, I was reading another blog, saw the phrase, "ran roughshod," and I thought, "what an idiot!  Everyone knows it's 'ran rickshaw.'"  Much to my chagrin, "everyone" didn't know that.  Apparently, it's my own private idiom.  Not to be confused with my own private Idaho...

...I think I might be a closet Lil' Wayne fan.  I know, I know.  I was so firm in my dislike of him...but my icy heart is starting to melt.  I'm softening to Weezy.  His lyrics are just so clever.  I can't put my finger on why I have such negative feelings towards him.  Maybe it's because he's barely 5 feet tall and has a funny looking face.  Or maybe it's his face tattoos. Regardless, I think we have an unlikely friendship forming.  We're like those Youtube videos of pigs and dogs who become best friends.  Because let's be honest, there is nothing cuter than baby pigs and puppies...except maybe a baby pig with a face tattoo.  The image of a piglet with a teardrop tat is giving me the giggles...

...Texas fans don't really have much of a sense of humor.  And they don't like it when you tell them that you, in fact, really like Mack Brown.  When you bring up the OSU game, and tell them, "After we beat Texas this weekend..." Longhorn fans just stare at you.  Even I can crack a fake smile.  Where did all your joy go, burnt orange nation?  Lighten up a little.  And for the record, I'm not even convinced we are going to win, but that has never stopped me from being obnoxious.  We are totally going to run rickshaw over them.

Friday List

I couldn't decide the topic I wanted to run with today, so I'm abandoning structure, and I will present to you a list.  I'm good at making lists.  And they are easier to write than something thoughtful.  Sometimes I'm lazy, get over it.

1. I have lots of thoughts on the Richie Incognito situation, but mainly I'd like to point out the similarities between him and Ben Afleck's character in Dazed in Confused.  You guys remember O'Bannion?  Remember how seriously he took hazing the freshman, and how Randal Pink realized how stupid it actually was?  Well, I kind of feel like Randall Pink in this whole thing.  Where's Carl's mom when we need her?  Party at the moon tower.
2. So, college football last night...that was something.  Thank God I don't bet on sports, I would have woken up much poorer this morning. I'm not a college football expert, and I'm not trying to pile on to Sooner fans' misery...but I don't think Blake Bell, or Bullethead as my brother calls him, is the answer.  Also, I'm a little tired of Oregon losing to those smarty pants trees.  And that's all the football analysis you're going to get from me.
3. I had a dream last night that I was hanging out with my good friend and her baby who is just a month younger than my kiddo.  In the dream, my friend's 12 month old baby, was speaking in clear, full sentences.  I woke up completely stressed out because her baby was more advanced than mine.  If I have to look back to a point in my life when I officially lost it, it will be last night when my competitiveness spilled over into my dreams.
4. Sometimes it's almost unbelievable how wrong Husband gets cliches and colloquialisms.  Here is an example of a recent conversation:
   Kathy: You know Howard (name changed to protect the innocent) won't talk to me.
   Husband: Oh yeah?
   Kathy: Yeah, I say "Good Morning" to him every day, and he acts like he doesn't hear me.
   Husband: Maybe he can't hear you.
   Kathy: No, he speaks to everyone else but me.  I'll say, "Good Morning," he is silent, and then someone else walks by and he shouts, "Hey!  Howya doin'?!"
   Husband: That's kind of funny.
   Kathy: I think it's kind of mean.  But I will just keep talking to him.  Eventually, I'll break him.
   Husband: That's right.  Kill him with sugar.
   Kathy: Ummm... I think that's called diabetes. I think you mean kindness.
   Husband: Yeah, sure.  Whatever.
5. I swear on everything holy if we don't beat Kansas tomorrow, I'm staging a sit-in on Gundy's lawn.  You all are invited.  I'll make the signs. You bring the snacks.
6. I'm headed to the first OSU basketball game of the season tonight.  Let me say this now, and let me be clear...get on the bus now.  This is the season, y'all.  You want to follow this team.  You want to be a basketball fan this year.  They are awesome, and through the law of transference (Is that a thing? Did I make that up?) you will be more awesome for cheering them on.  Get on this bandwagon.  I'll bring the signs, you bring the snacks.

No, No...Thank YOU!

It’s that time of year…November.  Should be Yesvember, because everyone is in the spirit of announcing what they are thankful for.  It’s a facebook tradition (<-- it’s true, those exist) to write about what you are thankful for every day in November.  Each year, I see people do it.  Each year, I think, “meh.”  Not because I have a problem with those who do, but more because, I’m not convinced that I can think of 30 things I’m thankful for.  How pathetic is that?  I can’t think of 30 measley things I’m happy to have.  I can think of 492 that annoy me, but thankful?  Apparently, I'm ungrateful.  I'm currently typing blind, for my head is hung in shame.

I thought about just writing a blog where I listed 30 things I was thankful for, knock out every day in one single post.  But I quickly realized that no one actually wants to read that.  It would be a bad version of Buzzfeed…which if we are all being honest with each other, is pretty bad to start.  Add Buzzfeed to my annoy list.

So, instead, I’m taking the angle of what am I thankful for right NOW.  This way, I’m kind of participating, but no one has to depend on me to be thankful every day.  We all come out of this as thankful winners.

• I'm thankful OSU beat Texas Tech this weekend.  There are lots of reasons this makes me happy, but a lot of it has to do with Tech fans accusing Oklahoma State of "stealing" their traditions.  I'm going to let you in on a secret: you guys didn't invent a person riding a horse.  That's actually been going on for quite a while now. See Lawrence of Arabia or the Pony Express.
• I'm thankful for Desmond Roland and Rennie Childs.  They are great little runners.  No idea why it took seven games to figure this out, but that's not the point.  I like to think me screaming, "THAT'S NOT WORKING!" each game had something to do with the change in running back.
• I'm thankful for crockpots.  They are so wonderful.  Magical meal makers.  I wish I could use the crock pot for every meal.
• I'm thankful for all the crazy people in my life.  I've upped the ante lately with the amount of cuckoo in my life.  They are all material for the best seller I'm going to write some day.  So bring it on nutsos, don't think for a minute that I'm not taking notes.
• I'm thankful for conversations like this:
  Husband: I guess there were earthquakes last night
  Kathy: Yeah, I just read that.  It is earthquake season.
  Husband: Earthquake season?  That's a thing?
  Kathy: Yes.  Earthquakes happen in the fall around here.
  Husband: Is that scientifically proven?
  Kathy:  It's, "I only have memories of earthquakes happening during football season" proven.
  Husband: Good enough for me.

So there you go, five things I'm thankful for at this very moment.  Maybe my heart isn't made of stone after all.  There's hope.

**Editor's note: It goes without saying, I'm thankful for my family and friends, baby and dog, my blessed life and charmed existence.  But I just don't think crockpots get enough love...I'd be devastated if I lose mine this earthquake season.

I'll take two Kathy's and a side of queso

I don't know if I've used this picture before, but I like it very much, so if I have, let's all pretend it's brand new.  Great.

So it's the day after Halloween and we're all crashing from our candy highs.  We all feel a little guilty for stuffing our faces with Mexican food for the second Friday in a row at lunch.  Oh, that's just me?  I'm the only one with queso guilt for consecutive weeks?  Okay then.  Now I'm embarrassed.

A friend of mine told me that I need to be a little more consistent with my blogging.  He said I need to write more on a schedule, so he can know when to expect my amazing thoughts to be put out on the interwebs.  I mean, really?  I cannot be contained.  I'm freakin' Maria.  How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?  He does, however, have a point.  So I'm going to aim for Monday & Friday blogs, with some Wednesday's sprinkled in for funsies.  Don't get your hopes up though...I'm not super dependable.

On this sugar-crash, sleepy-from-lunch-queso-Friday, I'm going to share two random, unconnected thoughts. In no particular order...

I'm a salty football fan at the moment.  Some might even say surly.  The Cowboys broke my heart so early this year, every game is met with a "meh," reaction.  Essentially, they stole my sunshine.  I'm also annoyed that both Texas Tech and Baylor are good.  Sure, they haven't played anyone, but neither have we.  And we still managed to lose.  We lost to a team that may not win another game...that's hard to do.  That takes effort.  I don't have my blind hope each week like in previous years.  Instead, I spend Sunday through Saturday morning preparing myself mentally that we will probably lose.  This is the worst. I'm just being Eeyore, looking for my tail.  Must find tail and knock this off.

So, this week we take on the mighty Fightin' Tortilla Throwers and their California Dreamboat head coach.  And before you get offended they do actually throw tortillas at Texas Tech.  No one has explained to me why, but it is their "thing."  People in Lubbock are weird, the Dixie Chicks taught me that.  I'd like to see a little soul-stomping by my Cowboys Saturday night.  Crush their spirits, ruin their season, make pretty boy cry.  We can all just mute it and pretend he's just revealed how much he loves Rachel McAdams.  Win, win for everyone.  Except Tech.  No win for Tech, that's the goal.  See how quickly I turned my attitude around?  It was just a matter of minutes, and now I'm back to my foolishly optimistic ways.  Welcome back, Kath!

I emailed Husband a little earlier and asked him if he had any suggestions for what I should blog about.  He wrote back and said, "Yes.  Cloning."  And then went on and on about how he needed a clone because he's so busy.  So...that's not exactly what I was looking for, but we'll go with it.  Because I will write about anything that I am asked, I promise.

Let's all imagine a world with more than one Kathy.  Can you even get your mind wrapped around that?  Uh. Mazing.  Twice the laughs.  Twice the fodder.  We'd all be better off.  More than likely, I'd make Kathy 2.0 do the following things:

1. Fold socks.  I hate folding socks.  I get physically angry every time I do it.  I think I might actually be allergic to folding socks.  Still waiting on the doctor to call me back on that one.
2. Make my fantasy football waiver requests.  I forget every week, and then I get stuck without a tight end.  Kathy Two will be much more responsible than me. And maybe she won't be an idiot and draft Brandon Pettigrew every year.  Hopefully, she's the more logical version of who I'm supposed to be.
3. Pay taxes.  I hate paying taxes more than folding socks, which believe me, is A LOT.  Kathy Two should probably start setting money aside so she doesn't cuss a lot when she finds out how much she owes at the end of the year.
4. And finally, this is the most important one...watch OSU lose.  Watching the Cowboys lose is probably my least favorite thing in the entire world.  Ever.  But I almost always have this tiny, tiny glimmer of hope that tells me, "Don't stop watching, they can still come back."  And I always think to myself, if they pull off the greatest comeback in sports history and you weren't watching, you will never forgive yourself.  So I watch.  And we never pull off the comeback.  And I turn into the salty fan I referenced earlier.  So, if I can get another one of me, and SHE can watch, I think I will have effectively solved the problem. She can take on the heartache of defeat, and I only have to experience joy and winning. 

What we are probably going to need to do is make sure that Kathy Two has the the power to freeze time either by putting her two forefingers together (ala Out of this World) or by calling "Timeout!" like Zack Morris.  Then we can switch places.  Any things take a turn, ZING!, switch places!

I could have used Kathy around 12:30 pm today to knock the tortilla chip out of my hand.  Let's hope I don't need her tomorrow.  (Insert big dramatic sigh).