Gaaa, you're such a snob

Last week in a meeting, I was confronted with my least favorite type of person at the moment: a Twitter snob.  Believe me when I tell you, they are the WORST.  I was poo-pooed because of the number of followers I have.  In a meeting.  At work.  And then the following statement was said to me, "I spend all day on Twitter."  Um...do you remember this a work meeting, not happy hour?  Good for you and all your followers.  No need to snort your judgment at me.  Kathy does not approve.

There are all kinds of snobs out there, some I support, some I get very annoyed with.  So, in true Kathy fashion, I'll outline the worst kinds, and the ones I support.  You should know that the ones I support are the ones I agree with.  For I am a snob too.

THE WORST

1. Music snobs.  Seriously, we get it.  You only appreciate quality music.  You knew about that band way before they went mainstream.  Pop music annoys you, there's no musicality.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Got it.  I like pop music.  It's fun.  It's short for "popular."  You know who was considered pop musicians?  The Beatles.  And The Jackson 5.  You got something bad to say about Tito or Ringo?  No, I didn't think you did.  Just appreciate it for what it is.  
2. Wine/beer snobs.  We all know them.  They are annoyed by those of us who lack distinguished palates.    I didn't get to take Wine Tasting in college and I feel like that was my only shot.  Here is the thing, I actually applaud people who really know about wine.  But those of us who don't aren't losers or creetens.  We are from Oklahoma.  And our dad's drank Coors Light.  Beer snobs on the other hand reside in the north.  Where it always snows and the sun never shines.  Yes, I'm talking about Michigan.  If you order a Bud Light in Michigan, the record scratches and the room goes silent.  It's really quite ridiculous.  Michigan is apparently Miller Lite country.  Kathy stands firmly by her motto of "It's all yellow."
3. TV snobs.  I have had several friends who are TV snobs.  Or lack-of-tv snobs.  They say things like, "I don't have cable."  Or "I only watch Nat Geo."  Well good for you.  But I think that is dumb.  You aren't actually better than other people because you don't watch TV.  Frankly, I think it's weird.  Unless you are crunchy and granola and spend all your time outside with the squirrels.  In that case, you are better than me.  You'd be amazed what that magical box can teach you.  Embrace it.  Don't let all of Phil Farnsworth's hard work go to waste.

ACCEPTABLE SNOBBERY

1. Travel snobs.  I'm a travel snob.  I openly admit it.  It really comes out when I fly Southwest.  Why is lining up in numerical order so difficult for the general population?  They are numbers.  They go from smallest to biggest.  Someone should have taught you this in kindergarden.  The only way it could be easier is if your name was written on a piece of tape on the floor.  But if you haven't heard, times are tough, and we can't afford that.  So every single Southwest flight, there are people wandering around super confused about where to stand and where to go.  And these people always seem to cut in line.  You aren't allowed to cut.  No cutsies.  You should have learned that in kindergarden too.
2. Sports seats snobs.  Okay, here is the deal, this specific snobbery was hatched in the fact that I have been very lucky to be born into a family that loves sports and has season tickets to everything.  Yay family!  So when you get used to sitting close enough to hear the coaches cuss at the players, it is almost impossible to adjust to far-away seats.  Kathy has tried, and Kathy just cannot sit in the nosebleeds.  It causes her soul to die.  True story.  So I have a certain standard, and I refuse to give in.  There is only one small flaw in this snobbery... Kath doesn't have the funds to support such tastes.  Damn my champagne tastes on a Bud Light diet.  I tried watching my Cowboys once at a bar, but when I yelled, "Stop juking and just run forward!" loudly, everyone stared.  Even the bartender.  Whoopsie.  While Craigslist can be scary (see Lifetime) a bargain shopper such as myself can find a good deal on tickets.  Until I do finally win the lottery (fingers crossed) tracking down affordable good seats via the internets is in the cards for Kathy and Husband.  The only time I waiver on this standard is when I'm attending sporting events in which I could care less who wins.  I cheer for the home team with the locals.  Good times.
3. Shoe snobs.  Everyone should be a shoe snob.  It's what God would want.  Ugly shoes are bad.  Crocs are bad.  Shoes are the one thing in your closet that are guaranteed to fit, and that should make you feel good about yourself.  Unless you are victim to a growth spurt.  I keep hoping that I'll have another growth spurt.  I even measured myself in my office today.  I was waiting for my computer to update itself, I was listening to Adele and bored out of my mind (this was after hours so no need to report this to the authorities).  So I used my tape measure....still 5'8 1/2" I want to be 5'9".  I think I can then officially refer to myself as tall.  I'll keep you posted on my progress.  And in case you forgot what my original point was, it happens, shoes are important.  It's important to care about them.  Caring is sharing.

So there you go.  I ask this of you during National Friendship Week (it's not really National Friendship Week, but let's just all pretend) when someone doesn't know as much as you or like the same things you do, remember that they aren't wrong.  They are just different.  Different isn't bad, it's just different.  Maybe instead of hating on Twitter novices, you could just take them under your wing and be helpful.  Help those baby birds fly.  See what I just did there?  Twitter? Wings? Baby Birds?  Genius.

Tuesdays with Teddy

Not to be confused with Tuesdays with Morrie.  You will not get the same warm fuzzies from me that Morrie gave you.  But I will tell you that, Tuesdays with Teddy might become a regular column.  Let's see how the first one goes, shall we?

First, let's discuss the name.  This morning on the phone, I was referred to as "Teddy."  And this was someone I have had multiple conversations with.  So, that's that.  Kathy, Peggy, and Teddy.  None of those are Katie.  I give up.

The most important thing that happened today was that first thing I did out of bed was confirm  my status in fantasy football.  For those playing along at home, I went 4-0.  Yep, undefeated.  I won in the all-male league.  My victory was rewarded with profanity on the league's site.  As we have already established, I am a lady.  A dainty, proper lady who would never repeat the things these men write.  But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it.  I'm a winner.  I beat boys.  I am awesome.  Go, Teddy, Go!

Then I cried at work.  I'm just so upset over this conference realignment talk.  Why can't they make a decision?  In all seriousness, I was emailing with a friend who is amazing and needs to be told as much.  So as I typed out my electronic pep talk, tears sprung to my eyes.  I blame this on either a.) I may be a  little too sensitive or b.) the middle of the night football game I attended on Saturday/Sunday is still seriously affecting me.  Why am I still so tired?  It was three days ago.  Is this what being in your 30s is like?  Frick.

And finally, the absolute highlight of the day (sans the Glee premiere tonight) was when Google revealed to me that karma does exist.  I love you Google, I really, really do.  Now how do I explain this to you, my loyal readers, without actually telling you what happened.  I do not condone talking badly about people on the interweb.  Not real people, people that I actually know.  Hiding behind your computer saying mean things about people is bad.  Unless its about Manu Ginobili or Phillip Rivers.  That's not bad, it's right.  Go forth.  Okay, back to my karma story, I'm going to try to be very vague, and I might just make some details up.  But don't you worry, I will tell the whole story one day when I finish my book.  Until then, this is all I can say.

Back in the day I had a very negative person in my life.  This person was like every Disney bad guy ever.  Ursula, Cruella Deville, Scar, Jafar, all of them.  This person had an evil cackle, flared nostrils, and just bad mojo.  I thought when we parted ways, the Evil One would be out of my life.  But it never works this way, now does it?  Evil One kept doing evil things that were affecting me. What's a Kathy to do?  I spent a lot of time praying for lightening strikes.  But every time I researched or internet creeped, it seemed as though great things were continuing to happen to Evil One.  Why universe?  Why?  It's not fair.  So today, as I was working on something else, I happened to come across a lead.  I like to use journalism terms to justify my obsessive compulsive fact-finding.  

Anyway, I have no idea why I never Googled Evil One's name.  Seriously, Kathy, you should be ashamed of yourself.  So I Googled, and Shazam!  Gold, pure internet gold!  Evil One got what was coming, via the long arm of the law.  Oh happy day!  I couldn't stop smiling.  I called my mom.  I emailed Husband.  I emailed my friend the Sexy Mex.  I could not withhold my joy.  And then I started to worry.  If I take joy out of karma coming around, will that result in bad karma for me?  No, no, no!  That is not the plan.  Bad things should happen to bad people.  And why can't I enjoy that?  I deserve it.  Evil One tortured me.  Why can't I enjoy their name popping up in Google as a criminal?  Why universe?  Why?

I need someone, way more enlightened than I am, to explain the rules of karma to me.  I need to know if it's okay for me to relish in this.  What if I just relish in it for a short time?  Let's say four days.  I took Asian Philosophy in college and this was not on the test.

**Editor's note: You can actually tell the level of my excitement by the number of exclamation marks I used.  I never use them.  I don't believe in them.

Conclusions Drawn

I thought when I searched for an image about "drawing conclusions" I'd get a clever play on words, like a pencil drawing the word "conclusion." Instead, I found this.  You know what I learned from this graphic?  That bears can run 40 miles per hour.  Conclusion drawn: Kathy doesn't know all there is to know about bears.

I'm going to share some things with you all this afternoon about observations I've made and the conclusions I have drawn from those observations.  I wish I would have thought of diagramming these conclusions, but alas I did not.

Yesterday on the Today Show, Dr. Oz tried to tell me that apple juice contains poison.  Matt Lauer raised some serious flaws in his theory, yet he held firm.  Conclusions drawn: Dr. Oz is annoying and his face seems to be pulled too tight.  Everyone loves apple juice, why are you ruining it for us?  I will drink apple juice in spite of him.

I went home for lunch the other day and came across an article on Yahoo! that challenged people to live without their credit card and cell phone for a day. "That wouldn't be that hard," I thought.  Then I went back to work and realized I left my phone at home.  Conclusion drawn: I seem to be susceptible to subliminal advertising.  Reminded me of that Saved by the Bell episode when Zack Morris put the subliminal message in the song to convince Kelly to be his Valentine.  Oh Preppy, you were such a rascal.

I check my blog stats pretty regularly.  It feeds my ego.  Deal with it.  Here is what is very odd, back in July I wrote a blog about posters on my wall.  I included a little segment about Kriss Kross.  Well that blog continues to get hits...every day...in the U.K. I can see what phrase people are searching, and that phrase on google.uk is "kriss kross."  Conclusion drawn: Kriss Kross is making a comeback oversees and I may be the only person in the States aware of it.  Until now.  Spread the word.

The other night I got sucked into watching America's Next Top Model All-Star Shoot Out.  Okay, I don't actually know the official name, but it was something like that.  Conclusion drawn: Everyone on that show is an idiot.  Jay Manuel was dressed identical to Fred from Scooby Doo, ascot and all.  Even though this show has been on for 45 years and has yet to produce a "Top Model," they all seem to think this will be their big break.  And Tyra Banks is the most annoying person on the planet.   Do you know she wrote a children's book about a little girl who was so pretty she had special powers and could smile with her eyes?  She did.  You should hate her like I do.  And the final conclusion drawn from this is that I'm the biggest idiot of them all for letting Tyra Banks steal 60 minutes of my life and little piece of my soul.

I just proof read this blog.  Conclusion drawn: I am incredibly skilled at finding a topic that has absolutely nothing to do with anything, and making it into "something."  Something good?  Yet to be determined.  But definitely something.

Happy Friday!  Go Pokes!

Football, fall and Falkor

Hey friends.  I feel like we haven't talked in so long.  How are you?  How are the kids?  Good, good.  I'm glad to hear it.

I'll be completely honest, I'm not sure I have anything that interesting to tell you.  But can we all agree that this picture I found is fantastic?  I think we can.  What I want to know, is when was it taken?  Are these tears of joy, or tears of defeat?  I'm almost positive the big Buckeye in the middle looks pretty sad.  If not, he has A LOT of emotion tied up with the Ohio State.  Bless your fat red face for letting me discover this photo on the interweb.

Football season is upon us, and so far, so good.  My Cowboys and Sundevils are both 2-0.  Both beat "good" teams this past week.  Both are touting QBs who make people scratch their heads.  Bravo!  As far as fantasy football, I can report with week 1 almost in the books, I went 3-1.  Unfortunately, the league I lost in, is the one with all guys.  In my defense, the punk I'm playing against has a super freakish team that outscored everyone in the entire league.  How fantastic for him.  More importantly, I beat Husband...badly,  in the family league.  Nice work, Kathy.  Keep him in his place.

In most places on the planet, football season also indicates the arrival of fall.  And what do you know, last week in Oklahoma felt like fall.  Today?  Not so much, but last week was heavenly.  There was actually a nip in the air.  It was glorious.  I ran outside, arms outstretched, and yelled, "I see what you are doing Mother Nature and I approve!"  And then I just hugged the air.  A little love from me to the universe.  Okay, I didn't do any of those things.  But wouldn't it be fun if I did?  If my life is ever made into a movie (fingers crossed) I'd like that occurrence to be portrayed that way.  In general, I'd like to be portrayed just a little bit more dramatic and over-the-top than I actually am.  Who wouldn't love that character?  

And in an unrelated story, my dog got a haircut.  Usually, this isn't news, but our groomer really seems to be obsessed with The Neverending Story.  Because every time Mr. Bojangles comes home from the groomer, he looks like Falkor.  Take a look.  There is quite a resemblance.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some NES.  It was my favorite childhood movie.  Loved Bastian and how he didn't let getting thrown in the dumpster ruin his outlook on life.  Loved Atreyu and his fashion sense, not just anyone can pull of a suede vest with nothing underneath.  You go, boy.  And then there was the Childlike Empress.  How pretty was she?  Seriously, I was kind of obsessed with her and how pretty she was.  Her and Kelly Kapowski.  And Jamie Powell on Charles in Charge.  I thought those three girls were the prettiest in all the land.  Where the hell am I going with this paragraph?  Oh right, I have a dog who looks like a luckdragon from Fantasia.  What's the nicest way for me to tell the groomer to knock it off?  Maybe I'll take in the picture and say, "See the similarity?  I'm not a fan.  I just want him to look like a dog."  Let's be real here, I've got enough things to worry about without having to check over my shoulder for The Nothing.

Weekend Conversations

Ever wonder how conversations go down in my world?  I'm happy to oblige you with a couple of gems from this weekend.  I'll be recapping my gameday experience tomorrow.  But until then, here is a little randomness to whet your appetite.

When: Sunday
Where: El Vaquero with Mother and Husband
Subject: One of my mom's clients who has great hearing

Kathy: I can hear through walls.  It freaks people out.
Mother: You would make a great spy.
Husband: *snicker*
Kathy: I don't know if I'd be a good spy.  I would have a very hard time keeping the top secret information to myself.  I like to share interesting stories.
Husband: That's what I was thinking.  You would have to tell somebody.
Kathy: That's why I blog, so I can share my interesting stories.  I wonder if they let spies blog...

When: Monday afternoon
Where: Guest bedroom, with Mr. Bojangles barking and jumping on the bed making it impossible to put the sheets on correctly.
Subject: How the dog is not helpful.

Kathy: If there was a competition for helpful dogs, you wouldn't even get Honorable Mention.
Mr. Bojangles: Bark, bark, bark, growl.
Kathy: Come on Mr. B, let's go get a treat.
**Dog runs out the door, and I shut it behind him.  Successfully tricking him.**
Kathy: He's eventually not going to fall for that anymore
Husband: Nah.  He's pretty dumb.
Kathy: Well, that's just rude.

When: Monday evening
Where: Living room
Subject: University of Maryland's new football uniforms

Husband: Look at those!  They are wild.  I don't understand.
Kathy: It's their flag.
Husband: What flag?
Kathy: The state flag of Maryland.
Husband: How do you know that?
Kathy: How do you not know that?
Husband: Why do you know what the state flag of Maryland looks like?
Kathy: Why don't you?
Husband: Why would I know what other state flags look like?
Kathy: I'm not sure why you are reacting this way.  And I can't believe you don't know your state flags.

It's our time!

Are you wearing orange?  I am.  And houndstooth heels, just in case I'm called away at the last minute to a Bama game.  Roll Tide.

Okay, I've been thinking all week about how I was going to kick off this football season for the Cowboys.  And after a few tweets last night with a fellow Cowboy fan, I've figured it out.  2011 is our time.  This season belongs to the fans.

I made the decision about a month ago that I was changing my mindset as a Cowboy fan.  For as long as I can remember, I have always been thrilled with victories and accepting of defeat.  Two years ago, my highly touted Cowboys rode into Norman with many expecting a victory.  We were shut out.  I made the comment, "I've been a Cowboy fan too long for this outcome to surprise me."  But that girl, she's gone.  Kathy has arrived and she expects her Pokes to win.  To quote the football genius that is Al Davis, "Just win, baby." 

So on the eve of kickoff, I offer up these prayers, to the heavens, to God, to Santa, whoever is listening.  These are the things I want, and feel like I deserve after 32 years of faithfulness.

1. A BCS Bowl game appearance.  Pretty simple and straight forward.  Take us to the desert.  Or if you are feeling especially spunky, just go ahead and lead us to the Bayou. 
2. Road victories.  We can and have won on the road.  I want to see home team fans wiping tears away as they head to the exits early. Beat Mizzou.  Beat Texas.  And for the love of everything holy, beat A&M...badly.
3. Go ahead and let Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso be skeptical.  It's better mojo for us when they don't believe.  Besides what does Herbstreit know?  He's been picking Arizona to be great for the last six seasons.  Not so fast, my friend.  Desmond Howard is the only opinion that really matters any way.
4. I'll refrain from naming names, it hasn't worked out in the past for me.  Two years ago, I wrote about Dez Bryant being my hero.  Then he had dinner with Deion and we all suffered the consequences.  Then last year, I wrote that I was excited to see Hubert Anyiam have a break out season, and he hardly saw the field.  Okay, okay.  I get it, higher powers. I will keep the name-dropping to myself.  But I will ask this.  I'd like to see a young man who hails from Ardmore and wears braces at the Downtown Athletic Club come December.
5. And finally, Beat OU.  Please.  Pretty please.  I don't care how it happens, just win, baby.  I need this victory.  I mean, I really need it.  I asked my doctor, and she confirmed that yes, Kathy needs a Bedlam victory to survive.  Can you imagine a Kathy-less world?  The horror.

Last night husband and I got to watch the Sundevils kickoff their season.  I teared up just a little when they took the field.  I really love college football that much.  I cannot wait to yell at the top of my lungs so loudly that I become light-headed.  I cannot wait to give strangers high fives.  And I don't even like high fives.  In fact, I hate them.

It's game time, people.  And Kathy is ready.  Let's Go Pokes!