I'm leaving for an adventure tomorrow. An Amazon Adventure. Giddy up. I will be cruising down the Amazon River with my mom for a week, you know, just another normal day as Kathy. I'm excited about the trip and nervous about being gone. I'm leaving Tiny Human in the very capable hands of Husband, but a little anxious about being out of pocket for so long.
I was stupidly surprised to learn that there is no internet and slim cell service in the Amazon. Hello? How do the water snakes communicate with their brothers on dry land? My friend the Sexy Mex threw out the idea that the monkeys in the Amazon should be equipped with mini cell towers in order to accommodate the digital age. Upon hearing this genius idea, I've decided to pack a dart gun armed with wifi bullets that I can shoot primates with. Pow! Pow! Pow! Texting and Instagram for everyone! Now that I think about it, I should probably use a blow dart gun. I've seen them in National Geographic, they seem effective. Be tee dubs, in case any TSA agents are reading this, I'm totally kidding about the gun thing. The only thing I'll be armed with is quick wit.
So on the eve of my departure, here are a few things you, the reader, need to know. You aren't going to hear from me for like a week, so soak it in people.
...Our little girl is a talker. Like, nonstop, jibber jabber, blah, blah, blah. Except it's not really gibberish, it's actual words. Talk, talk, talk. It never stops. She says all the kids' names from class in the morning and at night. Harper! Avery! Jude! And then there's Jackie. As far as we know, there is no one in her life named Jackie, yet she talks about her a lot. She inquires about her: "Jackie?" She makes statements about her: "Jakcie, Jackie, Jackie." Being the hands-on parent that I am, I find myself asking no less than three times a day, "Who is Jackie?" It's often met with laughter and pointing to the corner. I think we all know where I'm going with this...we have a ghost, her name is Jackie, and my baby has befriended her. Not creepy at all...
...In preparation for my trip, I decided it was necessary to purchase some headphones. I've been saying for quite some time that I wanted Beats by Dre headphones. Orange ones. I'm cool. I'm hip. It seemed a natural fit...until I discovered how much they cost yesterday. Two hundred and fifty American dollars. I can only assume that at that price, the headphones serve as a direct line to Dr. Dre himself.
Dre: What up K?
Kathy: What up Dre?
Dre: Today was a good day.
It should be noted that if an insta-friendship with Dr. Dre was something that could actually be purchased, I would spend that money. I would probably also pee my pants a little time every time we talked.
...I've also discovered that I don't actually know anything about Brazil or the Amazon. Soccer, Pele, Gisele, Carnival, big Jesus statue, tall women, and steakhouses. That's what I know about Brazil. Upon writing this blog, I also discovered that little monkeys like the one pictured above apparently live there. And you can go ahead and bank on the fact that I will try to bring one home with me. I'll put him in my carry-on, he'll become a member of our family. He will sit on my shoulder and wear my new, non-fancy headphones. I will name him Jackie...
Peace and chicken grease. I'll catch you all on the flip side.
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