Dre and Jackie Go on an Adventure

I'm leaving for an adventure tomorrow.  An Amazon Adventure.  Giddy up.  I will be cruising down the Amazon River with my mom for a week, you know, just another normal day as Kathy.  I'm excited about the trip and nervous about being gone.  I'm leaving Tiny Human in the very capable hands of Husband, but a little anxious about being out of pocket for so long.

I was stupidly surprised to learn that there is no internet and slim cell service in the Amazon.  Hello?  How do the water snakes communicate with their brothers on dry land?  My friend the Sexy Mex threw out the idea that the monkeys in the Amazon should be equipped with mini cell towers in order to accommodate the digital age.  Upon hearing this genius idea, I've decided to pack a dart gun armed with wifi bullets that I can shoot primates with.  Pow! Pow! Pow! Texting and Instagram for everyone!  Now that I think about it, I should probably use a blow dart gun.  I've seen them in National Geographic, they seem effective.  Be tee dubs, in case any TSA agents are reading this, I'm totally kidding about the gun thing.  The only thing I'll be armed with is quick wit.

So on the eve of my departure, here are a few things you, the reader, need to know.  You aren't going to hear from me for like a week, so soak it in people.

...Our little girl is a talker.  Like, nonstop, jibber jabber, blah, blah, blah.  Except it's not really gibberish, it's actual words.  Talk, talk, talk.  It never stops.  She says all the kids' names from class in the morning and at night.  Harper!  Avery! Jude!  And then there's Jackie.  As far as we know, there is no one in her life named Jackie, yet she talks about her a lot.  She inquires about her: "Jackie?"  She makes statements about her: "Jakcie, Jackie, Jackie."  Being the hands-on parent that I am, I find myself asking no less than three times a day, "Who is Jackie?"  It's often met with laughter and  pointing to the corner.  I think we all know where I'm going with this...we have a ghost, her name is Jackie, and my baby has befriended her.  Not creepy at all...

...In preparation for my trip, I decided it was necessary to purchase some headphones.  I've been saying for quite some time that I wanted Beats by Dre headphones.  Orange ones.  I'm cool.  I'm hip.  It seemed a natural fit...until I discovered how much they cost yesterday.  Two hundred and fifty American dollars.  I can only assume that at that price, the headphones serve as a direct line to Dr. Dre himself.
Dre: What up K?
Kathy: What up Dre?
Dre: Today was a good day.

It should be noted that if an insta-friendship with Dr. Dre was something that could actually be purchased, I would spend that money.  I would probably also pee my pants a little time every time we talked.

...I've also discovered that I don't actually know anything about Brazil or the Amazon.  Soccer, Pele, Gisele, Carnival, big Jesus statue, tall women, and steakhouses.  That's what I know about Brazil.  Upon writing this blog, I also discovered that little monkeys like the one pictured above apparently live there.  And you can go ahead and bank on the fact that I will try to bring one home with me.  I'll put him in my carry-on, he'll become a member of our family.  He will sit on my shoulder and wear my new, non-fancy headphones.  I will name him Jackie...

Peace and chicken grease.  I'll catch you all on the flip side.

Crimson Bison Learn to Fly

Okay, so Thursday was filled with excitement, huh?  I loved yesterday so much, I fell asleep watching basketball.  This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I don't actually watch TruTV or TNT outside of sports programming.  So color me surprised when I woke up with a jolt at 2am to some horrible show called, Jokesters.  Not really sure what the premise was, but some guy was maniacally laughing.  On the scale of awesomeness...it was not awesome.

Here's my quick recap of the day's events.

Wrestling.  I actually spent a good portion of yesterday dedicated to NCAA Wrestling.  Here is basically all you need to know: there is one common enemy in wrestling right now, and they are Penn State.  They are like the Yankees (with Jeter), the Lakers (with Kobe), and the Bears (with Cutler).  Okay, that last one doesn't work, but you get my drift.  Your job, as an American, is to cheer against Penn State.  The Evil Empire must be defeated.  Also, hope and pray that OSU's heavyweight can win in the quarterfinals.  And that's all you need to know.

Ohio State vs. Dayton.  Fly little prop plane, fly!  I didn't see this coming.  I picked stupid Ohio State to go to the Elite Eight in ALL five of my brackets.  Will I never learn?  The only thing you can count on Ohio State for is a sousaphone player with a lot of flare.

Harvard vs. Cincy.  Okay, there were plenty of people calling for this upset when the brackets were released.  I scoffed.  For I knew better.  Turns out, I don't know anything.  Smarty pants > bearcats.

NDSU vs. OU. I made a Sooner friend upset when I pointed out that one of the THREE open shots they took at the end of regulation should have gone in.  You know, because they should have.  I should know. I've watched my team miss shots all season that should have won games.  I feel like that whole Sooner Magic thing is real, and I was shocked when the shots didn't fall.

I can say this with honesty...I'm relieved the Sooners are out.  I had a deep, deep fear they were going to make a run and go much further in the tournament than the Cowboys.  And frankly, it was just more than I could handle.  I just can't.  I get it, they have genuinely beat our tails this year in everything.  And I'm exhausted from it.  I made the rational statement to Husband when the brackets were released, "If we end up meeting in the Sweet Sixteen and lose to them for the third time, I will never watch basketball again.  It will not be allowed to be shown in this house for the rest of eternity."  So let's all rejoice!  Kathy doesn't have to give up basketball.  Let's also take a moment to reflect on the fact that I might be overreacting to things...

ASU vs. Texas.  Thud.  Poor Sundevils.  There is always baseball.

And that's my hard-hitting, fact-based analysis from day one.  I'm expecting big things from the Pokes today.  My hopes are high.  Also, I picked the Cowboys to win it all in two different brackets.  Strangely enough, I'm the only one who did this, so I have the potential to earn some big bucks.

And to my fellow Poke fans out there, let me offer some words of wisdom from the great Tupac,  "Even though you're fed up, you gotta keep your head up."

Kathy's Guide to Filling out Your Bracket

Ooooo, weee!  It's like freakin' Christmas Eve!  Except instead of church, people flock to sports bars...which for some people are their churches.  Which is sad.  And a different blog topic for a different day.  But today we talk about March Madness!  Wahoo!  I'm doing a happy dance, which includes dribbling a pretend basketball between my legs.  I've also been blocking people out all day.  I've got the basketball fever.

So you still have a whole day to get your brackets filled out.  There really is no excuse not to fill one out.  It's easy.  There is no pressure.  It takes little to no effort, and unlike fantasy football, once you fill it out, you're done.  No more work.  And frankly, it's un-American not to participate.  Why do you hate America?  Grab a flag to drape over your shoulders, throw some bird seed at a bald eagle, and get to picking!

Now that I've talked you into it, I'm happy to share some keys to picking the perfect bracket.  No need to thank me, it's what I do.  On my tombstone it will read, "Always willing to give free advice."  It will also say, *her name was not Kathy.

Without further ado, here are my top 5 things to keep in mind while making your selections.

1. The experts don't know it all.  There are approximately 87 tournament analysis shows available to you.  That is approximately 86 too many.  Too much analysis.  Too much "breaking it down."  Wouldn't it be wonderful if they started a show out with, "We don't actually know what is going to happen, but this is what is supposed to happen."  Well guess what?  I was supposed to win the Mega Millions last night, and I think we all know how that turned out.

Yes, they have a lot of good, useful information.  And yes, they get paid to analyze everything.  But experts and pundits often get things wrong.  Just ask Karl Rove.  Too soon?  So take their picks with a grain of salt, and follow your heart.

2. Heart vs. head.  If you are a big, dumb homer fan like me, picking your bracket can be especially grueling.  When I was a kid, my dad told me to never bet against the Cowboys...and to this day, I have such a hard time doing it.  Every single year, I talk myself into them going far,  "They could do it," I reason.  "If the shots are falling, we can beat them," I dream.  "This is a winnable game," I convince myself.

I mean, come on, Kath.  Pull it together.

That being said, if the Cowboys get past Arizona, they will have destiny on their side.  And destiny is nothing to sneeze at.  Don't believe me?  See Angels in the Outfield, Miracle, Glory Road or Goonies.  

3. Don't go falling in love with the "hot" pick.  Every year, there's a team that everyone hitches their wagon to. And every year, they disappoint.  It was typically Missouri for like six straight years.  That was fun.  This year, it's Iowa State and Michigan State.  The Cyclones are playing well, but they aren't THAT good. There are definite deficiencies in their game. And yes, Tom Izzo is a tourney coach, but come on ESPN, every single analyst picked State?  Where's the limb-taking?  No going out on risks?  Let's all try to be a little more like Digger Phelps and pick OSU to go to the championship game.  Now there's some logic.

Seriously though, be wary of the Cyclones and Spartans.  You don't have to go with what all the popular kids are doing.  Be a trailblazer.

**Note:  If either team makes a deep run, don't go blaming me for not picking them.  That's on you.  But if I'm right, I expect the adequate praise.

4. Parity.  Keep in mind, this is a time of great parity in college basketball.  Elite programs like Kentucky and Kansas receive the windfall of great recruits.  Great recruits tend to be super freshman and leave early, leaving programs to constantly rebuild.  There is something to be said for senior-laden teams who have that leadership built in.  Skill can only take you so far.  Heart takes you the rest of the way...and older players who have something invested in the school and program always have a lot of heart.  Please refer to recent Butler teams.

5. Just guess.  I think there is a point where you can know too much, and analyze each game to death.  You'd probably be better off letting your dog pick the games.  Or that chimpanzee from the 80s who threw darts to pick stocks.  I bet his bracket is at another level. Here are some helpful ways to make the decision between two toss-ups that you know nothing about:

• Who has the cooler mascot?  
• Do they have a player with an awesome name?  If so, go with them.
• Go with the one whose school colors AREN'T blue (there is no method to this, I just believe it).
• Wikipedia that stuff.  School with the best "fun fact" should get your vote.

So there you go.  Easy, peasey.  And when you bracket eventually blows up, remember to always cheer for the underdog.  Unless they are playing the Cowboys, in which case, who cares about the underdog.  

Happy basketballing and Go Pokes!

Bird Hunting

2013-2014 season.  Nope, it's a brand new season: the 2014 postseason.  As a friend of mine pointed out, all you have to do is win 10 games.  Nothing to it.

Here's the deal, this is basically like playing a video game.  I'm not much of a gamer myself, but I do have history with Mario Brothers (OG, Super, and 3), Duck Hunt and Angry Birds.  This season was like when you are playing Super Mario Brothers 3, and you are just coasting along.  Collecting coins and stomping mushrooms like a boss.  And then you get the Ice Kingdom and you just CANNOT move forward.  Slipping and sliding, losing life left and right.  That fire ball doesn't work right.  You just can't figure it out.  And after what seems like an eternity, you finally get through the kingdom.  February was the Ice Kingdom for OSU basketball.  But we are past that now.  Time to put on that flying raccoon suit and soar.  Channel your inner Jimmy Edwards, and let's get The Wizard up in here.  Programming note: Travis Ford will be playing the part of Fred Savage.

Speaking of Travis Ford, can the Negative Nancies give is a rest for a while?  Good gracious.  We all get it, your feelings aren't a secret.  But can you just focus on cheering on the team and lay the, "He Must Be Fired!" propaganda to rest for the rest of the month.  You're so focused on how terrible he is, that you are missing some really great individual and team performances.  I've got my issues with him as well, but maybe you can give up the whining and negativity for Lent.  The rest of us will be super appreciative.

And just so we are all clear.. when do we point to coaching in regards to what is going on on the court?  Is it only when it's bad?  When we don't foul while up 3, or rebound, or drive into the lane to shoot?  What about when we are playing well?  Is that not coaching?  When we are getting good ball movement, when we are playing on-the ball defense, the full or 3/4 court press is working, we are getting the ball into the post.  None of that is coaching right?  Because it seems that I only hear about Ford's coaching when it's bad...not when it's good.  But when it comes to Bill Self, he's a coaching genius when they are playing great.  When they turn the ball over 20 times in a game, seem completely lost, and shoot with a full shot clock, then that has to do with extenuating circumstances.  Definitely not coaching.  I just need someone to clarify the rules for me...  I'd hate to let facts get in the way.

So it's time to take on Kansas again.  A daunting task for any challenger.  We are armed with the right tools: the Power Star (Marcus Smart), the Super Mushroom (Markel Brown), and the Fire Flower (Phil Forte).  We'll need that invincibility power, flying ability, possibly a frog suit, and some of that hidden crap that only serious players knew about.  It's totally doable.  We're coming for you Bowser... Princess Toadstool will be ours.  Oh yes, she will be ours.

That zombie is slow

Hey!  It's Friday and I found where I packed the stamps yesterday, so let's write some letters, shall we?

Dear Walking Dead Fans: 

You are so passionate about this show, and for that I say, "Bravo!"  But here's the deal, I caught the first five minutes of an episode the other day, and I don't really get it.  Those zombies seem pretty slow.  And stupid.  I watched two impale themselves without provocation.  Why would I be afraid of something dumb and slow?  It seems to me, you would just run away from them. And by run, I mean slow jog, maybe even racewalk.  They are really slow.  Also, why were all the zombies wearing plaid?  Is that a thing?

Not afraid,

Kathy

Dear Little Boosie,

So, I wasn't actually familiar with any of your work.  Forgive me.  I did, however, read an article  about how you managed to get arrested for drug possession hours after your release from prison.  HOURS.  At the end of the article, I was encouraged to show my support for you by tweeting #freeboosieagain.  After some deliberation, I've decided against that.  Because, I think if I had just been sprung from the pokey, I wouldn't be carrying a big bag of drugs.  That's why you have a posse/crew/homies.  Make them carry the illegal stuff.  I feel like maybe you are on the same level as the zombies.  How about this hashtag: #makebetterdecisions

Not a member of your crew,

K-Dogg

Dear Thunder Fans,

You can't love AND hate the same thing about Russell Westbrook.  You have to pick.  I choose to love him for the risks he take and just know that he's probably going to take some ill-advised shots.  It's what I like to call it the Brett Favre Effect.  Or the Gunslinger Effect.   It's like dating the "super fun guy."  You were attracted to him because he's so super fun.  Life of the party.  Then after you date for a while, you kind of wish he didn't ALWAYS have to be the center of attention.  Yeah, but he's Super Fun Guy.  That's his thing.  That's why you like being around him.  Because he's fun.  So lighten up a little.  Embrace the 5-seconds-into-the-shot-clock-contested-jumper, because when they go in...Booya! 

Wolverine is Back,

Kath

Dear Tiny Human,

I'm sorry I showed you that Katy Perry video the other night.  I had no idea it was so inappropriate.  I just thought you two were on the same level, so you'd enjoy California Gurls.  Who was to know? Katy Perry = Not Safe for One and Half Year Olds.  Lesson Learned.

P.S. I'm glad you liked Gin and Juice as much as I do.  The song, of course.  Not the drink. We all know you're more of a vodka girl.

XOXO,

Momster 

The only good thing about sunflowers are the seeds

What a game on Saturday, huh?  When the season started, that's the euphoria I was expecting feel all season long.  It was great.  I will let you all in on the secret to Cowboys' recent success.  No it's not the return of Marcus Smart.  And no it's not the pressure of having their backs against the wall.  It's my outfit.  When I was temporarily homeless, I had to go buy something to wear to the OSU vs. Tech game and had to borrow orange shoes from my mom.  I've worn the same outfit for every game since, and guess who hasn't lost...  I wish someone would have just told me all it would take is buying a new shirt and borrowing shoes.  Could have saved myself a lot of heart ache.

Here are a few random thoughts and observations from my post-game presser (it was an imaginary press conference that concluded with me holding up a newspaper and declaring, "This is garbage!").

Smarty Pants.

KU fans do not like Marcus Smart.  At all.  I read a message board post titled, "How punchable is Marcus Smart's face?"  They don't like that he did a back flip on their court last year.  They don't like that he flops.  And they did not like that he flexed toward their bench when the game was clenched.  They were very offended.  They hoped for him to be physically hurt in the future.  They hope that someone "punches him in the throat" in the NBA.  They think he is the biggest jerk in college basketball.  They can't believe a kid would be that disrespectful.  How dare he.  And you know what?  I totes agree.  If a kid flexes or taunts during a big game, he should be banned from ever playing again.  His scholarship should be immediately revoked, and both legs should be broken.  There is no room for celebrating and showboating in college sports.  None.

Wait just a second...there seems to be a flaw in this argument.  Oh dear.  Now what should I do?  By the way, how great is that picture on the bottom right?  Hilarious.

I love you, I hate you.

I noted to Husband during the game that for the first time in as long as I could remember, there wasn't anyone on KU's team that I hated.  There's always one.  I mean, there is always one on every team, right?  Like Brady Heslip for Baylor.  I don't like that kid, mainly because he's been playing since 2001 and his haircut is stupid.  But there is no one who is easy to hate playing for the Jayhawks at the moment.  It feels weird.  So I adopted Perry Ellis as my least favorite player.  The mustache put him over the top in the voting.

I would also like to state how good I think Joel Embiid is.  Goodness, what I wouldn't give to have a guy like that playing for us.  He is a legit center.  And how is it, that a school like KU has had a legitimate big man since the invention of basketball? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?  I think we have had two...total.  Possibly 2 1/2.  Embiid is an incredible player.  Every night before bed, I pray for world peace and that he enters the NBA draft this year.

Cheno-with-or-without.

Not game related, but has KU flavor.  As Husband and I were watching the Suns game on Friday night, the following conversation ensued:

Husband: Hey, isn't that the kid who played for KU recently?  The big white kid?
Kathy: You are going to need to be more specific.
Husband: I can't remember his name.
Kathy: Eric Chenowith?
Husband: Seriously?  That's your guess?  I said he played recently.  I'm pretty sure Eric Chenowith is on AARP now.
Kathy: Ummm, he's the same age as I am.  We were in college at the same time.
*silence*
Kathy: For the record, you just called me old.
Husband: Well, this is awkward.

Sweet Markel Brown.

Tonight is Senior Night for the Pokes.  This means we will be saying goodbye to Marcus Smart and Markel Brown.  Of course, I'll miss Smart, but I will really, really miss Markel Brown.  He is everything you would ever want in a player for your school.  And he is so damn fun to watch.  Can we petition the NCAA to let him play one more year because he's so good and I'm not ready to say goodbye?

So this is it.  The last home game.  I've gone to every single one.  I'd like to go out on a high-note: three or four dunks,  Mason Cox breaking the backboard, a double-digit win, and a t-shirt from the t-shirt gun.  I'd also really like to be part of the pre-game huddle where they dance, but I don't want to push my luck.

Go Pokes!