Monday Musings from Kathy

I love the internet.  Because pictures like this exist.  Wonderful.  Good stuff, internet.

I've taken quite the hiatus from blogging.  {Insert excuses here}  Mainly, I've just been busy.  And as you are aware, I'm super mature, so I've been prioritizing.  As much as I've wanted to write lately, I just can't justify saying, "Yes, little human that I created, I see that you are growing and developing, but mommy needs to blog about OSU football."  I'm in the early stages of writing a parenting book, I've basically got it down perfect.

So these are the things you need to know about Kathy, at this very moment:

1. Yesterday, Husband and I celebrated our sixth anniversary.  It's true, we've lasted a US Senator's entire term.  High fives all around.  We wrote letters to each other, and Husband knocked it out of the park.  I, on the other hand, referred to the last year as our "break out year."  Nothing but All-Star appearances from this point forward and that our next contract should be huge.  In my own way, it was totally romantic.

2. That made me realize just how much I'm missing organized sports at the moment.  Football season can't start soon enough.  I'm ready for college football right meow.  I'm ready for fantasy football, as I know this will be my year.  This is THE year.  2013: Kathy dominates fantasy football.  I'm currently brainstorming clever team names.  I caught a guy at work making copies of a fantasy football magazine the other day.  I wanted to high five him.  I didn't.  Anyway, I'm ready for it all to begin.

But I'm going to share something with you all...  I just don't know if I've bought into the hype of OSU.  I know, I know.  Your mouths are all agape.  Well, close them up.  Stop being so dramatic.  I just don't have a good feeling about all the the preseason expectations.  I'm also a little leary of a D3 guy taking over the offense.  Who knows, maybe I'm wrong.  Every year that I expect it to be "our year," I'm wrong. So maybe that whole, "Kathy doesn't know anything about football" theory still holds true.  If so, I'll see you suckers in Pasadena.

Speaking of football...seriously, Aaron Hernandez?  I just saw earlier on Twitter that they are now investigating him for multiple shootings in Florida dating back to his freshman year.  This guy has to be a complete sociopath.  How else can you explain him getting away with this for so long? Poor Dez Bryant can't get away with anything.  At all.  Bless his diamond-loving heart, that kid can't catch a break.  Meanwhile, Hernandez is a modern day Mr. Blonde.  Allegedly.  (See what I did there, a total obscure Reservoir Dogs reference.)

3. Due to an exorbitant amount of crunchy snack eating and a little too much Hank Williams (the OG) occurring around me at work, I've delved heavily into Pandora once again.  A couple of observations...one of my ear buds really hurts.  My ear hole is too small.  So the one thing on my body that is naturally small is my ear hole.  Figures.  Second, sometimes I don't think Pandora understands me at all.  At all.  No, Pandora, I don't like Lifehouse.  You can keep giving me different versions of the same song (album, live, unplugged, etc.) I don't like it.  That's why I hit that thumbs down button.  Stop ignoring my thumbs.  And today Pandora played the worst song ever.  Teresa by Peter Bradley Adams.  So, so bad.  I would never listen to this song unless I was looking for something to punish an enemy with.  If you like this song...I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.  You should re-evaluate your music choices...and possibly our friendship.

That's it.  Happy Monday.

A list of unrelated stuff

Why don't you go ahead and apply the above image to you.  Because I, Kathy, think you, reader, are awesome.  It's true.

The past couple of weeks have been really eventful.  I've had about six blogs I've started to write and then I've gotten distracted by things like tornadoes and they've been abandoned.  Whomp, whomp, sad trombone.  And I'm sure you've been asking yourself, "How is Kathy handling all of this?  What is going on in her world?  Is she hanging in there?"  Answers: Awesomely.  A boatload of stuff.  Yes.

So, out of respect for your time, I'm just going to run down a quick little list of highlights of my life the last two weeks.  Remember when I said I was going to categorize this blog?  Well, this doesn't fit into that plan.  That's kind of how I do things.  Get used to it.  I'm a maverick.

1. Tornado Alley is now closed.  Detour. If you have been alive the last two weeks and not Rip Van Winkling, you are aware of the tornadoes that have ravaged my home state.  Typical May tornado season, except on steroids.  They have been devastating and scary and a real buzzkill.  And to add to the fun of all the this, I had family members leave their safe place and drive towards the tornado on Friday.  As Kid President would say, "not cool, Robert Frost."  And then another family member who doesn't live in Oklahoma sent a super supportive text that read, "I wouldn't want to live there."  See above picture: does not apply.
2. We have a mystery animal as a pet.  Well, he's less of a pet, and more of a new occupant of our back
   
   patio.  Last week, we had let Mr. Bojangles out for his nighttime romp.  I was standing on the edge of the patio throwing his ball.  Husband suddenly says, "what the hell is that?"  I look up, only to see a unknown furry animal right above my head.  I used three cuss words, Usain Bolted it to the door and then asked, "Why in the world would you point out a woodland creature over my head?"  After my heart resumed beating, I examined mystery creature.  It is a bird.  A small fury bird with a medium tail.  Do birds even have tails?  Probably no.  Long feathers in the back, that's what I'm getting at.  It sleeps in the corner of our patio where the pillar meets the overhang.  I have yet to see it's face, because it sleeps with its face pointed inward, like he's in timeout.  He's a bad bird. A dirty bird, if you will.  Perhaps he's from Atlanta.  He leaves during the day and comes back each night.  I can't figure out what kind of bird he is, nor can I figure out why he doesn't live in a nest.  So from what I can tell, he is a homeless bird who is ashamed of his current situation.  Knowing my history with birds, it's only a matter of time before he dives at me and pecks my eyes out.
3. Game of Thrones episode.  I don't watch this show. I  haven't read the books. Husband has.  Once I peeked over while he was reading one and read the line "he went through the moon door," and I was pretty sure, that wasn't really my thing.  I believe in real doors, not moon doors.  There are approximately 43 shows in the queue that I'd like to watch on DVD/Netflix, so I just can't add another.  Until last night when twitter/facebook exploded about what an amazing episode of Game of Thrones I had just missed out on.  I hate being on the outside.  I want to be in the know.  I want a TV show to have such a profound effect on me, I must turn to social media to express my feelings.  Currently, I'm pretty embarrassed of the shows I watch, so I can't talk to anyone about them.  I feel ashamed...like my new bird pet/roommate.
4. Along those lines, I've been reading a lot more lately.  I'm extremely proud of this, for I love to read but have abandoned literacy for mindless TV for the past 6 months.  I blame the liberal media!  I have a subscription to The New Yorker, which I love.  LOVE.  But they come once a week and each article is at least 10 pages.  This combines to make a stack of 34 New Yorkers on our kitchen table.  I'm seriously acquiring so many, I could built a fort out of them.  I should just build a fort and sit inside and read New Yorkers...that's an idea I might revisit.  Anywho, once I started reading them on my iPad, I was able to get through the articles much quicker.  In just the last two weeks, I've read articles about black market organ trading in Kosovo, new archaeological technology being use in the rain forests in Hondorus, how wicked smart R.A. Dickey is, the testosterone-driven and sexually aggressive nature of the computer programming world, and an inspiring story about the 2013 Iditarod.  Someone, invite me to a dinner party, stat!  I have so much to offer to the conversation!

So that is me.  That is what my life is like at the moment.  When I started writing this blog, I thought I had a lot of interesting stuff to say.  Now that I have read my list, I realize, I'm actually kind of boring.  Seriously, someone invite me to a party.  The Kosovar organ trading story is a real crowd pleaser.

Pour a little out

The following conversation occurred last night:

Kathy: One of the members of Kris Kross died.
Husband: Oh really?
Kathy: Yeah.  Really sad.  I don't know the difference between them, but I'm upset.  They don't know what happened, just that he was found unresponsive.
Husband: That's wiggedy, wiggedy, wiggedy, wack.
Kathy: Too soon. *exits the room*

Can we all collectively pour a little out for one of the Chris's?  As I blogged about long ago, Kris Kross was the first poster I had up in my room.  It hung on the back of my door.  I even wore my pants backwards once, just to try it out.  Whatever, I was a weird kid. Stop judging me.

I mentioned back in October that I was part of a leadership class.  In said class, we were all required to give bios of ourselves at some point.  I was signed up for the next to last class, so I had months to prepare and think about what I wanted to say.  I went back and forth.  Who is Kathy?  What do people need to know about her?  It was quite a struggle.  When I finally got up to reveal all the secrets that make me, me, I mentioned that I loved rap music.  The filthier the better.  For some reason, this made quite the impact on several class members.  Guess they didn't know how ghetto I really am.  I suppose my cardigan sweaters and affinity for LOFT clothing threw them off.

So, I was asked by one of my friends from the class to write a blog about rap.  What better day to write such a blog, than on the day following the passing of one of the Chris's.

I'm sure you are asking yourself, what do you look for in an artist or song when it comes to rap, Kathy?  Well, I'm happy to share my evaluative process.

Clever Lyrics: This doesn't need much explanation.  I like witty, clever writing.  The best out there are Ludacris, Eminem, Tupac (RIP), Wiz Khalifa, and Jay-Z.

Raunchy/Offensive lyrics: I don't know what is wrong with me, but I love offensive things.  If it's shocking and makes you catch your breath, I put it on repeat.  I think, in general, people take things too seriously.  Listen to Too $hort and loosen up a little.  I've also always enjoyed the shock value of me knowing all the lyrics to very inappropriate songs.  Proper young ladies don't have Easy E played at their weddings...I did.

Fight Music: Sometimes you just want to listen to something aggressive.  Okay, maybe YOU don't.  But I do.  I love that certain rap can make you want to punch a stranger.  Just kidding, I would never punch a stranger.  But I do like aggressive music, and I thank DMX and Eminem for providing it.  Subsequently, they are both crazy, but who am I to judge?  Do your thing, boi.

As you can see, my tastes are old school.  I just don't like what the current guys are bringing to the game. (I don't actually talk like this normally, you know, because I'm a 30-something white lady from Oklahoma, but I want this blog to be authentic).  While Lil' Wayne is a pretty good writer, I hate his voice and I think he is a punk.  And Drake, I like him.  Not as much as Amanda Bynes (good Lord), but I can't really get over the fact that he is both Canadian and a former Degrassi cast member.  Definitely not hard.

So, if you have any suggestions for what I should be listening to now, let me know.  Just know that Tupac is #1 in my heart.  As he once said, I've got love for my brother, but we can never go nowhere unless we share with each other. We got to start make changes.  (<--that line doesn't actually apply to this blog at all, but it is from one of my favorite songs and one of the only ones I could think of without cuss words).  Thug Life.

Sports Shorts

I love this picture.  I love that the lady in the middle is approximately 450 years old.  Go on with your old self.  Thunder Up!  Just don't break your hip.

So remember when I said I was going to try to organize this blog and I'd write about certain things on certain days?  Well that lasted for two glorious days.  I got a little too ambitious.  If I didn't have anything else to do, like care for a human child, work at a real job, clean my dwelling space, etc, I could pull this off.  I've yet to figure out how to get someone to pay me to write this blog.  Until I do, you will all just have to take what I give you.  My new revised plan is to group my blogs into four main categories: weekend recaps, things that annoy me, pop culture observations and sports.  That basically covers everything I know about anyway.  If I ever travel again, I'll throw in a travel category.  So today, I'm going to talk to you about sports.  Go! Fight! Win!

It's playoff time in the NBA, which means Kathy is officially back on the bandwagon.  I'm very open and honest about my fandomness.  I love the Thunder, I want them to win every game.  But my focus from November to March is on Oklahoma State basketball.  It is my first love.  Okay, my first love was Dylan McKay, but OSU basketball still has my heart.  (Dylan could not be trusted, he was never the same once his dad was "murdered.")  Once the college basketball season wraps, I'm all in...sort of.  I mean, seriously, there are SO many games.  I went to three Thunder games this year and every one was a blow out win.  Unlike the Cowboys, the Thunder are consistently good and you don't have to worry about high stress levels during every game.  I think that's why they pay them the big bucks.

I also keep up with the team via local sports radio.  I listen to these hacks analyze every dribble and jump shot.  Basically, whatever they say, I choose to believe the opposite.  It has served me right so far.  Once the playoffs start, they really up their "sky is falling" analysis.  I would call them morons, but I'm the one who listens, so I think we all know who the moron is here.  Stupid Kathy.

So here we are, playing James Harden and the Rockets. Husband made the announcement that he was going to cheer for the Rockets.  Oh come on! Are you doing this just to annoy me?  Husband took it hard when the Thunder and Harden broke up.  Very hard.  He's all, "I can't believe the fans are being this way," and I'm all, "Get over it.  This is what Oklahoma City fans are like."  And he's all, "That's stupid.  He was going to make more money."  And I'm all, hand to the face, brah.  Not really.  But I really would like to end an argument that way.  #pipedreams

Don't get me wrong, I miss the Beard more than anyone.  I wish desperately that he was still with the Thunder.  I'm hoping for a Steve Nash-like story, that he'll come back to us, like that crazy Canadian did with the Suns.  What a happy ending... minus him bailing for the Lakers.  But sometimes, things happen in sports that make you mad.  For example, I wanted the Broncos to draft Dez Bryant in 2010 draft.  They chose not to due to supposed "character issues" (boy were they wrong!).  They instead chose to draft Tim Tebow.  The worst quarterback ever.  I continued to cheer for Denver despite this decision.  I cringed with every throw, hoping the receiver would grow two feet by divine intervention in order to catch the wobbly ball.  I even started to believe that maybe Tebow was best friends with Jesus.  How else could you explain the wins?  I did all of this, in the name of sports.

Kathy rises above.  She is so mature and wise.  Husband makes pictures like this.

Cool picture.  Your Photoshop skills are top notch.  I also feel like this picture accurately demonstrates that I am not the only obnoxious person living in our house.

Let's all regroup and touch base in Round 2.  If we are playing the Clippers, I'm hoping for a monster dunk on Griffin's face with a mean mug following.  Don't care who does it.  Just want to see it.  Twice.

Well, that's annoying

How funny is this picture?  I love Google image searching.  You just type something random in, and Google rewards you with a menagerie of jpegs.  I'm going to go ahead and state that Google is one of my favorite things in the world.  OSU sports, salt and Google.  Four thumbs up.

So remember how a couple of days ago, I asked you all for insight into what I should write about?  Well, no one responded.  And that's all well and good, but I must push on.  Onward and upward!  To Hell and back! You get the picture.

I'm dedicating Wednesdays to things that annoy me.  Lucky for you, the list is endless.  It's part of my charm.

So here's my short list for this week:

1. At my new job, I park in a parking garage.  The space are somewhat small, so I push that fancy button that folds the side mirrors on my car in each morning.  And every time I do, I am startled by my own reflection.  I instantly think someone is in the car with me.  Every.  Single. Time.  I have a master's degree.  I should be smarter than this.

2. This weather is so dumb.  Raise your hand if you are tired of me complaining about the weather.  Yes, you in the back.  You know how this could be remedied?  If the freakin' weather would start acting like spring.  Sun.  Shine.  Pull it together, Oklahoma.  Also, weatherpeople, I know your job is hard, because it's determined by God.  I get that, I do.  But can you bring the apocalyptic descriptors down a notch?  In case anyone was keeping score, there were no tornadoes, or monster hail, and no cataclysmic meteors.  I ended up wearing my tornado helmet to bed for no reason at all.

3. I woke up this morning tired and a little grumpy.  I was also super hungry.  On a total impulse move, I threw a tub of hummus and a bag of pita chips in my purse on the way out the door.  I'm sure you are thinking, how big is your purse, Kathy?  Pretty big.  It's kind of like luggage.  Three small forest animals could live inside it.  I don't typically bring side dishes/party food/appetizers to work to eat for breakfast.  But that's what I was in the mood for this morning.  I'm a trend setter.  Very mavericky. (<<---not a real word).  As I settled into my desk, I started to feel just a touch silly for having a large bag of pita chips and an industrial sized tub o' hummus.  I had about a 7 minute internal battle trying to decide if I wanted to actually go through with it.  Finally, I took a deep breath and decided to just embrace being the weirdo in the cube along the wall.  I pulled out the pita chips first (opened them under the desk to avoid immediate detection) and then fished out the hummus.  I was ready to embrace my inner Mediterranean.  And then I discovered the hummus was covered in mold.  No morning snack.  No smushed chickpeas. No bueno. Sad Kathy.

I blame the girl in the car with me this morning.  Obviously, she not only likes to scare me, but she also likes to crush my healthy snacking dreams.

Weekend Recap

I'm making an attempt to organize this blog a little.  Please contain your excitement, you're embarrassing yourself.  (embarrassing is a word I never spell right the first two times I try, see previous post in regards to irony).  I follow a very cute blog that is organized in a very cute way. She offers tips and links and whatnot.  Her blog actually provides something good for society.  Every time I read her blog, I think, "Kath, get it together!  You should do this!"  But then I remember that my blog doesn't really offer anything other than sarcasm, observations, and a funny story from time to time.  But who says I can't organize my sarcasm?  No one, that's who.  So I'm going to try to stick with a schedule.  Feel free to suggest a "topic" I should work into the weekly schedule.  I'm open to your ideas, as long as they are good ones.  Keep your bad ideas to yourself.

My weekend was not as exciting as you might expect a 30-something with a six month old baby might be.  We had a nice little Saturday planned.  We were going to Home Depot to pick out some wallpaper, then maybe we'd hit Bed Bath and Beyond...

On Saturday day/night I got to see three old high school friends.  We all wore flannel and Dr Martens to keep it authentic.  We talked about drinking wine coolers at the Fairfield Inn one wild weekend back in the day.  And every time I'm with this particular group of girls I think of playing no-brakes in my father's El Camino (Spanish for "the road").  Driving around winding streets never hitting the breaks.  It was really fun...and looking back on it, a really, really good decision.  Please don't tell my mom.  I can promise you that 16 years later, she still wouldn't find humor in it.

Saturday night I got home in time to watch the Syracuse vs. Michigan game.  I was conflicted.  I don't ever cheer for Michigan.  It's not that I cheer against them, I just cheer for whoever is playing them.  So I suppose that's cheering against them.  I don't really have a good reason for this anti-wolverine feeling, except when I lived in Michigan, I liked Michigan State better.  And I like Ohio State.  I like that they sing to Hang On Sloopy and who doesn't love Script Ohio?  See?  It's all legitimate.  Like science.  But Michigan was playing Syracuse, who I NEVER cheer for.  I hate Syracuse.  I actually have a good reason for not liking Syracuse...Gerry McNamara.  I try to keep this blog family friendly, so I'll keep my true feelings to myself.  But let's just say Kathy isn't a fan.  Boooo Gerry McNamara.  Boo!  And they had that kid Eric Devendorf who punched girls.  Seriously, who is cheering for these hoodlums? And I'm just going to say it....I don't like Jim Boeheim.  I know he's a legend.  I know that I'm supposed to respect him.  But I don't.  Don't like him one bit.  And I think his zone is stupid.

So I cheered for Michigan.  And they won.  Obvi, God is on my side.

Finally, I managed to use the phrase, "Straight cash money, homey," twice this weekend.  Once while talking to Spencer.  What can I say?  I go hard.

There's a fly in my Chardonnay

Remember Alanis Morissette's little ditty about irony?  Isn't it ironic?  Don't you think?  And remember how nothing in the song was actually ironic, it was just bad luck.  I remember thinking, "God, does she not understand irony?"  I was so annoyed.  And yet, as I was contemplating this blog in my head, a mental rough draft if you will, I realized that the irony of the song is that nothing is ironic.  And maybe that's what she intended...and if so, Alanis Morissette is a Canadian genius!  That Joey Gladstone let a good one slip away.  Cut. It. Out.

Anywho, I had a couple of ironic things happen to me this week, and thought what better way to jump back into my poor abandoned blog than a theme.  Like I've said a million times before...you're welcome.

The other day on the facebook or "the book" as I like to call it, I saw a post from someone that was pretty ridiculous.  I have to keep this very vague because I do not want to libel anyone in anyway.  Okay, I don't actually care if I libel anyone, but I don't want the retaliation that comes with such actions.  I'm all grown up now.  Gots me a kid and everything.  So this person told about something they did with their very young child.  I was relaying the story to Husband over dinner.  "Nice parenting, huh?" I asked with snark and judgement oozing from my lips.  We laughed at what a bad parent this person was.  Two minutes later, Husband pointed out to me that our six month old daughter was eating a napkin while sitting on my lap. I was caught up in conversation, I failed to realize that she had pulled the napkin to shreds with her gummy trap.  I had to fish the napkin out of her mouth, since the doctor didn't say anything about "paper products" being worked into her diet.  Hmmmm.  Ironic.  Maybe I should stop judging other people and focus more on my child who is going through a Billy Goat phase of trying to eat everything.  I'm thinking of sticking her in the backyard to deal with the overgrown grass.

The next day, while at work (new job, less football speak/more Corporate America and stock options.  Yay!) I was researching the environmental benefits of using ebill.  As I was fully immersed in data mining and finding all kinds of fun facts on going green (Go Green!  Go White!  Oh wait, that's Michigan State...) I was printing off all of my great findings.  Hey look, New Boss!  I'm so great at researching I've found gobs and gobs of relevant information!  See how great it is to use ebill and save paper and trees! See! See!  Everything you need to know...is on this huge stack of paper.  That I just wasted.  I swear Smokey the Bear was probably crying somewhere in a forest.  Ok, I know that Smokey the Bear isn't really tied to going green, but does that movement even has a mascot?  I feel like they don't, so I'm going with Smokey because he should fall under the "don't hurt the Earth" umbrella.  So I have lots of great statistics on why going paperless is good for the environment on a big stack of papers on my desk.  Such a sad irony.

And finally, I found irony in having to wear my winter coat in April.  Actually, I didn't find it ironic, I found it super annoying.  It's April.  Bring on the sunshine.  This lingering winter is stupid.  And I don't approve.  You know what this cold weather is like?  Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.  (On a serious note, can you imagine being anywhere with 10,000 spoons?  That would be amazing.  Ironically, I'd like to find this land of spoons).