You know how I keep writing about how we are trying to move? That was all supposed to go down on Friday. But then it didn't. Super.
Here are a few of the fun times you missed out on by not being me.
Finance/Shminance
Anyone who has purchased a house recently knows that the amount of documentation necessary is ridiculous. I get it. Because mortgage lenders were letting four year olds with no income purchase multi-million dollar homes, we are all being punished with having to provide every financial document ever produced. After turning over every piece of information just short of the restaurant receipt from my parent's first date, we were ready to roll. Until we weren't. I now needed to provide a copy of my bank statements. The following conversation ensued.
Kathy: I'm not comfortable providing you my personal information and spending history.
Loan Guy: We have to know where the money is coming from.
Kathy: You already know where it's coming from. I provided all of that earlier. If I had it buried in my backyard, would you need pictures documenting me digging it up?
Loan Guy: It's the law.
Kathy: Great. Please provide me a copy of said law. I need to see in writing where the government needs to know how much I spent at Anthropologie last week.
Loan Guy: *No response*
Kathy: I'm going to need to speak with someone else.
Lo and behold, they didn't need my bank statements after all. Weird how that works.
Moving and Shakin'
The movers showed up on Friday morning. A lively bunch indeed. One of them commented, "These are ALL dresses?" Me: "Yes." Him: "ALL of them? They're ALL dresses?" Me: "Yes. I have a shopping problem." He walks out of the room and yells to another guy, "Man, these are ALL dresses!" Years ago, when we moved from Arizona, one of those movers told me I had "more shoes than Patti LeBelle." At least I'm consistent.
Then they told us they couldn't fit everything into the truck. Sorry, Charlie, the rest is on you. We decided the answer to this riddle was to take the extra stuff over to the new house and leave it on the back porch until we could get in in a few hours. What could go wrong there?
More Ajar than Closed
I'll tell you what could go wrong. An underwriter could make a mistake on filling out the 729 forms you must sign when closing on a house and therefore make the entire thing void. And thanks to the Dodd Frank Act, nothing can be corrected for three days. Three days. Thanks Dodd. Thanks Frank. Neither of you are getting Christmas cards this year. I will also not be contributing to either of your reelection campaigns. You're dead to me.
So, at the end of the day, we didn't have a home. Or any of our stuff. Except for that stuff that was sitting on the back porch of a home we didn't have keys to. It was basically the perfect day.
Here's the silver lining. Because I didn't have to worry about the stress of unpacking my stuff, you know, because I didn't have any of it, I was able to fully enjoy Oklahoma State sports this weekend. No guilt of watching sports when I should be doing other things. The basketball team finally won, and it was glorious. They were having fun again. More importantly, I was having fun again. I deserved it.
I hope by the next time I write, I will have a home. And stuff. And all my dresses.
They can take my stuff and my home, but they can't take my spirit. Or maybe they can. I'm still waiting for the loan guy to send me a copy of that legislation.
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