Check the Footnotes

I need to get something off my chest.  I don't like Rhianna.  I should clarify, I don't like her music.  I have no issues with her as a person.  Go on with your tattooed self.  But her music...I feel as if I'm being punished.  What did I do so wrong?  She was the musical guest last week on SNL.  I watched as she sang her new song Diamonds. And I thought, "I don't think I like this song. Are there any verses?  Or just the chorus over and over?"  Then on the way to work yesterday I heard the same song and thought, "Okay, I really don't like this song.  Why does she sing so monotone?"  It's like listening to a robot from Barbados.  I mean, do they even have robots in Barbados?  Doubt it.  And the line, "Shine bright like a diamond," stuck with me ALL day.

You know how one form of prisoner torture is to play an annoying song on repeat?  I strongly suggest they
play Rhianna.  They could rotate between Diamonds  and her song with Drake, Take Care.  Show those terrorists how much we really hate them.  Damn right, America!  One of my friends who went to a different college and pledged a different sorority once told me a story about her initiation.  They played Alabama's Song of the South on repeat for hours.  In the biz, that's what we call "hazing."  She got into my car once and that song came on.  Let's just say that she had a strong reaction.  I feel that way about Rhianna.  My body tenses up, I grip the steering wheel, and I get angry.  And because my subconscious hates me, the song plays on repeat in my head for the rest of the day.  My brain is hazing me.

I was going to write this blog yesterday, because the wound was so fresh.  But then I got distracted.  It happens.  A lot.  One of the things that distracted me was a column written by Chuck Klosterman I happened upon.  I love Chuck Klosterman, he is one of my favorite writers.  Dave Eggers, Chuck Klosterman, Bill Simmons and Dave Sedaris are at the top of the list.  Apparently, I'm a sexist reader.  Let me amend my list to include Jen Lancaster and Jennifer Weiner.  I'd add Pat Forde to this list, but five years ago he wrote some critical things about Coach Gundy, and I take such blasphemy seriously.  So as I was reading this Klosterman column, I was reminded of his genius use of footnotes.  He manages to write amazing, thought-provoking material, while staying on point because all the off-shoot random details are included in footnotes.  You know who would benefit from this type of writing?  Kathy would.  I have the HARDEST time staying on topic.  I tend to write in a stream of consciousness.  See: Dave Eggers (I'm not comparing myself to Dave Eggers.  He is a genius.  I'm a random girl who people call the wrong name.)  Klosterman's use of footnotes is not in the lame bibliography way, instead they are in the "here's a supporting thought, and if you would like to know more about why I included that, please look at the bottom of the page," way.  Genius.  And as I write this, I'm remembering that in A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers uses footnotes too.  I love footnotes!  I must find a way to use footnotes.  If I was using footnotes right now (but can't because Blogger.com doesn't have that feature) I would note that I managed to use the word "genius" four times in this paragraph, and that is super annoying.  Me and Rhianna. Two annoying girls just trying to make ends meet.