Hiking a mountain with Bradley Cooper

There are two things on my mind, and they have nothing to do with one another.  This happens a lot.  I want to blog, but I have too many topics to cover.  So, I'm just going to write about them both.  Don't try to find the common bond.  It doesn't exist.

This morning I was watching Morning Joe. I think this is a sign that I really am old.  Or well-informed.  Or on my way to being a well-informed senior citizen.  (**Editor's note: I had a very long paragraph here explaining why I watch Morning Joe.  After I read it, I realized no one cares why, so I deleted it.  If you want to know my reasoning, let me know.  I'm happy to share).

On today's show Bradley Cooper was promoting his new movie.  After watching his interview, I walked into the kitchen and had the following conversation with Husband.

Kathy: I'm uncomfortable with how attractive Bradley Cooper is.
Husband: Oh yeah?
Kathy: Yeah.  He's promoting his movie on Morning Joe, and he's also talking public policy.  When his segment ended, he asked  if he could stick around to talk to Chris Christie. Apparently, he's smart.  AND he speaks French.  And he's just so good looking.  It all makes me a little uncomfortable.
Husband: **laughing**
Kathy: Can someone really be that perfect?  I just don't know.  
Husband: Maybe he's a womanizer.
Kathy: That's okay with me.

I thought about my last comment as I continued getting ready and came to the conclusion that I don't mind men who are womanizers.  In fact, a lot of my very good guy friends are womanizers.  I don't even know what that says about me.  I worry that sometimes I really am a boy, but then I buy four pairs of new shoes and watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and balance everything out.

Moving on... somehow my name and address were distributed to every company that produces a catalog in the last four months.  We honestly get at least four each day in the mail.  Just throw them out, Kathy, you say.  Well, no.  I flip through every one of them.  I use those little sticky tabs that you are supposed to use on important documents at work and tag all the things I like.  I get a shopper's high from it without spending money.  Somewhere along the line, someone out there in consumer land got the idea that Husband and I are adventurous.  We get catalogs filled with plaid outdoorsy stuff a lot.  They should know that they received bad information.

And then I received a Patagonia catalog two days ago.  Have you ever seen one of these?  I had not. I had no idea what I was missing out on.  Remember when Elaine Benes worked as a copy editor for the J. Peterman Catalog?  I think the Patagonia catalog is the Peterman catalog in the real world.  There are stories inside.  Long adventurous tales.  It's fascinating.  Beautiful pictures of mountains and such.  They aren't just selling clothes here people, they are selling a lifestyle.  And I'm buying!  I'm buying the clothes, not the lifestyle.  Who in the world has time to climb a mountain?  I am currently trying to find time to make my bed.

So is it acceptable for a non-adventurous person to wear Patagonia?  Because I feel like the only people I've ever seen wearing it are also wearing hiking boots and carrying a Nalgene bottle.  I have neither.  Would I be instantly identified as a poser?  Because there is a very cute orange pullover jacket, that apparently is perfect for wicking away the moister while climbing over boulders.  I however would wear it as I climb the treacherous stairs of Gallagher Iba Arena.

Check the Footnotes

I need to get something off my chest.  I don't like Rhianna.  I should clarify, I don't like her music.  I have no issues with her as a person.  Go on with your tattooed self.  But her music...I feel as if I'm being punished.  What did I do so wrong?  She was the musical guest last week on SNL.  I watched as she sang her new song Diamonds. And I thought, "I don't think I like this song. Are there any verses?  Or just the chorus over and over?"  Then on the way to work yesterday I heard the same song and thought, "Okay, I really don't like this song.  Why does she sing so monotone?"  It's like listening to a robot from Barbados.  I mean, do they even have robots in Barbados?  Doubt it.  And the line, "Shine bright like a diamond," stuck with me ALL day.

You know how one form of prisoner torture is to play an annoying song on repeat?  I strongly suggest they
play Rhianna.  They could rotate between Diamonds  and her song with Drake, Take Care.  Show those terrorists how much we really hate them.  Damn right, America!  One of my friends who went to a different college and pledged a different sorority once told me a story about her initiation.  They played Alabama's Song of the South on repeat for hours.  In the biz, that's what we call "hazing."  She got into my car once and that song came on.  Let's just say that she had a strong reaction.  I feel that way about Rhianna.  My body tenses up, I grip the steering wheel, and I get angry.  And because my subconscious hates me, the song plays on repeat in my head for the rest of the day.  My brain is hazing me.

I was going to write this blog yesterday, because the wound was so fresh.  But then I got distracted.  It happens.  A lot.  One of the things that distracted me was a column written by Chuck Klosterman I happened upon.  I love Chuck Klosterman, he is one of my favorite writers.  Dave Eggers, Chuck Klosterman, Bill Simmons and Dave Sedaris are at the top of the list.  Apparently, I'm a sexist reader.  Let me amend my list to include Jen Lancaster and Jennifer Weiner.  I'd add Pat Forde to this list, but five years ago he wrote some critical things about Coach Gundy, and I take such blasphemy seriously.  So as I was reading this Klosterman column, I was reminded of his genius use of footnotes.  He manages to write amazing, thought-provoking material, while staying on point because all the off-shoot random details are included in footnotes.  You know who would benefit from this type of writing?  Kathy would.  I have the HARDEST time staying on topic.  I tend to write in a stream of consciousness.  See: Dave Eggers (I'm not comparing myself to Dave Eggers.  He is a genius.  I'm a random girl who people call the wrong name.)  Klosterman's use of footnotes is not in the lame bibliography way, instead they are in the "here's a supporting thought, and if you would like to know more about why I included that, please look at the bottom of the page," way.  Genius.  And as I write this, I'm remembering that in A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers uses footnotes too.  I love footnotes!  I must find a way to use footnotes.  If I was using footnotes right now (but can't because Blogger.com doesn't have that feature) I would note that I managed to use the word "genius" four times in this paragraph, and that is super annoying.  Me and Rhianna. Two annoying girls just trying to make ends meet.

Danke Schoen

(**Editor's Note: My extended blogging hiatus has been due largely in part to the human that I created.  I don't know if anyone has told you guys, but babies are a lot of work.  I look forward to her hitting the three-month mark when she will become completely self-sufficient.)

As my Facebook timeline is filled with the "Today I'm thankful for..." status updates, I had an idea.  Why not just knock them all out at once? I thought about carrying out my grand plan on FB, but as you will see, my thankful things are filled with snark.  Snark is best left to the blog.  Don't want any of my almost 600 closest friends to think I'm making fun of their thankful things, I'm just taking a Kathy-like stand on the matter.  So here are my top 10 thankful things, I tried to come up with 21 and ran out of steam...

1. Tupac.  I'm thankful for Tupac Shakur.  There has never been a time in  my life when I heard a Tupac song that it didn't instantly improve my mood.  Kids these days don't appreciate the genius that is I Get Around, Dear Mama, and I Ain't Mad at Cha. Thug life, homie.
2. Cowboy basketball.  Went to the exhibition game the other night and man I'm happy that the season has started.  I love Cowboy basketball. I love being able to say things like, "You shouldn't get beat by an outlet pass," and Husband looking at me and saying, "The fact that you say things like that is ridiculous."  If by ridiculous, you mean ridiculously awesome, you're right.
3. My leadership class.  I'm part of a leadership class that runs from October until April.  It's filled with young whipper-snappers throughout the OKC community.  They do fun things like brunch and happy hour and community meetings.  Granted, I haven't gotten to participate in the fun activities due to the human I made, but knowing that it's a possibility makes me very happy.
4. My new car.  Or whip as the kids say.  Actually, I have no idea if people still call cars "whips."  They probably don't, which really demonstrates how old I am.  Sigh.  Anyway, I love my new car.  I realize that loving material things is shallow.  Oh well.  It's awesome.  It has so many bells and whistles, my heart is happy each time I get in.  The cup holders also light up...in orange lights.  When we got in at the dealership and were being told how to work all the 1,000 gadgets, guess what was playing on Sirius?  Ludacris.  Unedited.  It was destiny.
5. Sirius Satellite Radio.  I've never had it before and let me tell you, having it is like being an Amish person with an iPhone.  Mind blown.  They have a country station that only plays 80s and 90s country.  Holy Travis Tritt and Tanya Tucker, this station was made for me.
6. Election season ending.  Too much propaganda.  I can't imagine living in a swing state, because I'm sick of it and I live in a state that all the candidates forgot.  I'm also tired of a certain Congressional candidate calling our house.  I keep trying to break up with you and you don't seem to be getting the message.
7. The show Breaking Amish.   You should watch this show.  It's a train wreck.  In the most beautiful way.
8. Being able to say anything I want to my baby.  She's so young, I can just talk and talk and she'll never actually know what I'm saying.  Yesterday, I sang James Brown to her (Get on the scene!  You're a poop machine).  I talked to her this morning about the election.  And I sing the OSU fight song to her when she cries.  I am entertaining myself more than anything.  Conclusion drawn: I need more adult interaction.
9. Dark beer.  I got to drink one the other night after 10 months on the wagon.  My heart was all aflutter.  I am thankful for you dark beer, I really am.
10. The Chicago Bears defense.  Single-handily has saved my fantasy football season.  Hats off to you Brian Urlacher.

The End.  Thank you and goodnight.