I learned it on the Internet

How many times in your life do you get the chance to see a stranger out in public with a tropical bird on their shoulder?  If your answer is twice, then you and I have something in common.  Yesterday, as I drove back to the office from lunch, I watched a lady walk down the sidewalk downtown with a three-foot blue tropical bird perched on her shoulder.  It sqauwked and did that head-bob thing that birds do as people walked past.  And I thought, "Hmmm, this doesn't seem normal."  Then I remembered the time I was driving in Scottsdale with Husband only to look over to the 1978 beater that was driving next to us to see a tropical bird sitting the driver's shoulder.

"Look!" I shouted.  "That guy has a tropical bird on his shoulder!  While he's driving!  Crazy!"  Husband shrugged.  "Ummm, a shrug isn't the appropriate response to this situation."  He nonchalantly said, "Meh.  It's Arizona."  Two things to take away from this experience: 1. Nonchalant could be his middle name.  Husband Nonchalant LastName.  To someone who has overreactions to almost every situation, this borders on maddening.  2. IN NO SITUATION IS HAVING A TROPICAL BIRD ON YOUR SHOULDER NORMAL.  Unless you work at the zoo.

Then again, maybe this is my normal.   I turned to my ol' friend Google to try  figure out what kind of avian wonder I saw yesterday.  My search engine savior didn't provide me with any definitive answers, which was surprising, seeing as the internet taught me a lot this week.  Here are the things I learned, and because I believe in life-long-learning, I'm now paying the knowledge forward to you.

1. There's an app for that.  So I have a friend who is as entertained and fascinated by dumb stuff as I am.  I'm thankful for her for many reasons, but my most favorite thing about her is that I know that at any time, I can screenshot/text/or message her the dumbest, most fascinating, confusing thing I've seen that day and she will always appreciate it.  I keep her around because she validates the thoughts in my head.

Anyway, this is a two-way relationship and she shared with me yesterday that she had discovered the existence of eating disorder promoters on Twitter.  Obviously, I had to check it out for myself because I'm a voyeur and I enjoy watching crazy behavior more than anything in the world.

So to quickly summarize. there are these very thin girls who have insane handles like @ratherdiethaneat and @hungryallthetime (I made those up, but they are in the same crazy ballpark) whose whole presence on Twitter is to talk about how they don't like to eat, want bigger thigh-gaps, are searching for #thinspiration and eat squash for breakfast because it's only 15 calories (who eats squash for breakfast??)  And they tweet each other to show support for pushing through the hunger.

And then I started looking at their pictures, because I was already in this deep.  I couldn't stop.

As disturbing as everything I saw was, the most fascinating thing I saw was a picture of an app that helps you track how long you've been fasting.  Down to the minute.  One girl was disappointed in herself for not making it past 3 days and 2 hours of fasting.  I learned this as I was shoving yogurt-covered pretzels in  my mouth.  You know what kind of app I need?  A snack app.  It can tell me  the time between my third and fourth snack of the day and when it's time to eat M&Ms.  Just kidding!  You don't need an app for that.  It's always time to eat M&Ms.

2. Thank you, Mississippi.  I had the pleasure of watching a clip of a young woman being interviewed on the local news in Mississippi.  I don't know the town.  It's not relevant to the story.  She was witness to a shooting and was being interviewed by a local reporter about what she saw.

In the middle of the hard-hitting journalism going on, the girl announced that she had to pee.  And then...she peed her pants.  On live television.  I mean...I know it's sweeps week, but this seems extreme.   My first reaction was, "Oh dear...."  followed quickly by, "Well, at least she's not from Oklahoma."  Thinking about this clilp makes me feel a mix of emotions.  Why didn't she just end the interview early?  Why, after peeing her pants, did she announce to the reporter, "I just peed my pants"?  Why not just hope for good editing?  Why are live interviews on the news still a thing?  Is Sweet Brown to blame?

3. The end is nigh.  And finally I got confirmation that the end is near.  Get right with God, get to work on your bucket list, and get your finances in order.  Because it's all coming to an end soon.  How do I know this?  Because the Kylie Jenner lip challenge is a thing and that volcano eruption in Chile.  Both of these things have me concerned about the future.  The Kylie Jenner thing is self-explanatory.  You shouldn't be trying to suck your face off.  That's a dumb thing to do.  The volcano struck fear in me because....well, it appears that God/Thor/Zeus played a role in it.  And you know when lightening wraps around volcanic ash and the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man is no where to be found...it's time to take shelter.

Obviously, thanks to the interwebs, I'm way smarter today than I was on Monday.  I'm off to search for that snack app and like-minded people who are equal parts disgusted and obsessed with all of the dumb on the internet.  And when I find those people, we'll start our own Twitter army and some girl in Mississippi will write a blog that says something to the effect of, "thank God, I'm not as crazy as Kathy in Oklahoma."  #pipedreams 

Mail bag

Sometimes I get writers block and the way I deal with it is writing dumb things or going dormant.  Like a volcano.  Or a cold sore.  Gross.  I'm disgusted with my sense of humor today.  Anyway, I thought I'd shake things up a little and try something new.  I'm always getting emails* and messages from readers, so I thought I'd open up the ol' mail bag and just answer your questions.  And away we go!

Hey Kathy,

Since the Thunder aren't in the playoffs, how closely are you paying attention?  Who you cheering for?

Vance, San Diego


I'm aware that the playoffs are going on.  That is the amount of effort I'm putting into the NBA playoffs.  I'm giving about 12% effort this year.  And that might be a little high.  I'm "rooting" for teams that sport guys from my alma maters: Memphis, Brooklyn, Boston, and Houston.  And by rooting, I mean if you put a gun to my head and asked who do you want to win, those would be my answers.  More importantly, why do you have a gun to my head?  It's just sports.  Relax.  Also, I always cheer against San Antonio and Blake Griffin.

Dear Kathy,

Lots of candidates are officially announcing their run for the 2016 presidency.  Who ya got and why?

LoDen, OKC

I saw that Waka Flocka Flame is running, and that piqued my interest.  He's running on a platform of legalizing weed and not allowing dogs in restaurants, and frankly I admire his courage of addressing the hot-button issues.  What I'm most excited about is reading the political opinions of all 600 + of my facebook friends.  It's really the best part of election season.  I often wake up and wonder, "How should I feel about this issue?  Let me consult the 'book and see what the people are saying."  I'm especially swayed when people use lots of exclamation points and phrases like "Wake Up America!"

Hey Kath,

You caught up on Scandal yet?  Also, who is Charles?

G-Money, Rosewood

Not yet.  Just started Season 4.  Someone should have warned me about Harrison.  Lots of feelings about that.  In a surprising twist, people continue to get murdered.  I can only assume by the end of this season the only thing left will be a bottle of wine and Quinn.    Also, I don't want to answer questions about Pretty Little Liars. I'm mature and a grown up and  focused on important topics like Waka Flocka's stance on equal pay.  But since you asked, I'm sticking with my theory that Charles is Dan Humphrey.  XOXO.

Kathy,

I'm expecting my first child next month.  Any parenting advice?

FF, Texas

Nope.  Parenting is hard.  I don't know what I'm doing 90% of the time. I'm positive Tiny Human loves the Bubble Guppies more than me.  But she's cute and she's clean and she tells her teacher that her mommy is clever, so I'm doing something right.    She also hummed Ride 'Em Cowboys the other day unprovoked, which caused my heart to grow three sizes.  So I take it back, here is my advice: when they are screaming in your face, sing OSU fight songs and the alma mater.  Not only are you showing school spirit in the face of adversity, you are also brainwashing them.  WAKE UP AMERICA!

And that will do it for today's mail bag!  See you guys next Wednesday for more Q&A.

*Editor's note: none of these were real questions.  I made them all up.  But if you have questions you want me to answer, send 'em my way.  I'll answer, I promise.  Just don't be gross, let's try to keep this at a junior high level of decency.

It's handled

I have an unhealthy obsession with crime.  True crime.  TV crime.  I love it all.  And by love, I mean am fascinated by it.  If I actually loved crime, I'm pretty sure that would make me a criminal.  And we all know that I'm a model citizen.  Amen.

I saw a promo for Dateline yesterday about a woman who solved a crime by applying the things she had learned by watching Dateline.  HELLO!  Can you say, "Kathy's dream come true"?  You end up featured on a show about solving crimes because you watched the show about solving crimes.  A true thing of beauty.  I'm so good at evaluating crime from a distance and coming to rock-solid conclusions all on my own.  And the thing is, I'm self-taught!  No formal training.  I'm  basically a savant.

The level of intensity at  which I followed the Aaron Hernandez trial was....well, it wasn't normal.  I'm not a Patriots fan.  I've never been to Boston.  But that didn't stop me from following some random Fox reporter from Boston and his live coverage via Twitter.  Every day, I closely watched what was going on 140 characters at a time.  At least once a week, I'd give Husband an update on the haps in the courtroom.  He needed those updates, because he's a rational person who doesn't follow court cases unrelated to him via social media.  Whatever.  It takes all kinds.

So yesterday when it was announced that a verdict had been reached, I was actually anxious.  I honestly don't know what is wrong with me.  Judge Garsh addressed the jury after they delivered their guilty verdict and thanked them for their time and for serving. She said, "I understand it is not easy to sit in judgment of a fellow human being."  And I thought, "Hmph.  I don't think that's true.  I find it very easy.  Second nature, actually."

So now the trial is over and I have to move on.  Must fill the void.  Find some crime somewhere else and come up with theories of what went wrong in this person's life to lead them down this dark path.  Maybe I'll turn my attention to Lawrence Phillips....that guy's got lots of material to study up on.

Or maybe I could just focus on Scandal.  Fake crime.  Or is it?  I just started watching Scandal a month ago.  And yes, I'm aware that makes me three years late to the party.  I'm not concerned with your time frames, I do things on my own clock.  My clock is always slow.

So I'm binge-watching.  Pope & Associates for hours.  And this show....  It's just maybe too intense.  I have a very high level of stress while watching it, plagued constantly with the reoccurring question of, "Why can't any of these people make better decisions?!"  I think we all knew Fitz couldn't be trusted after he killed Patrick Swayze in Ghost, but damned if Olivia can't make good decisions to save her life.  This show is like Pretty Little Liars but set in D.C.  Too many crimes!  Too much murder!

Am I naive in my belief that there shouldn't be this much murder going on in such a small circle of well-dressed people? And don't even get me started on what this show has done to my outlook on political marriages.  I'm starting to think this show is affecting my life, and I'm guessing that's not a good thing.

The moral of the story is that I either need get a grip or start working on my online criminal justice degree.  It can be mine is just 12 short months.