You are getting on my nerves

Before I get into this blog I have to share a quick story with you.  Last week, I turned to my personal assistant, Google, to tell me how often I was supposed to rotate my tires.  Thank God for Google, it keeps me functioning.  As I was typing, "How often do you..." Google autocompleted the question for me.  And do you want to know how they finished the question?  "How often do you need to change your bra?"  Seriously, I'm not making that up.  That's a question someone turned to the internet to answer. And apparently it's asked so often, Google just anticipated I needed to know too.  I fear for this society.  After I discovered that you are supposed to rotate your tires every 5,000 miles, I went back and checked what the answer was to the bra question.  Fear not, I'm doing it right.

Moving on...

I'm starting to think I might be more irritable than normal people.  Do you ever have one of those days where every thing that happens gets on your nerves?  Well that day lasted 96 hours for me last week.  It started with the government shutdown.  I think we can all agree that most problems can be traced back to John Boehner.  And for the record, that was a joke.  I have not the energy to argue politics with you.

I often dream of the day I'm old enough to just say whatever comes to my mind.  You know how old people just tell it like it is?  I love that.  I'm counting down the days when I can just walk up to a stranger and tell them, "Those pants look ridiculous on you."  But after several encounters last week, I think I might have crossed over into senior citizen status.  Bring on the polyester!  I had to tell three different people off last week.  Three.  I mean, come on, what gives?  If I keep these numbers up, I will be the most hated person in Oklahoma City by January.  I hope there is some sort of ceremony at least.

I used the following phrases last week:

• "You are providing poor customer service and I no longer wish to work with you."
• "I will not tolerate being bullied.  You owe me an apology, which I'm sure I won't get."
• "Hey!  I'm one of those idiots you're talking about!"

It really is exhausting being me.  Always fighting for the little guy. 

Speaking of being the little guy, in an attempt to get back to my birth weight, I've been doing Jillian Michael's workout DVDs.  She is the meanest person on the planet.  She comes up with the craziest moves known to man.  It's like she thinks, "how about I make them do squats while doing a one-handed push up."  And then screams, "MAKE SURE TO USE YOUR ABS!"  She's just making stuff up.  These aren't actual workout moves, it's just a bunch jumping in the air, doing a flying sit up and landing in plank.  And then she gives them cute names like burpies, rockstars, and moguls.  Just call them what they are: torture moves.  I refer to them as waterboarding, draw and quarters, and the assassin's bullet.  I'm just keeping it real.

Keep it up, Jillan and you just might be the next person to feel the wrath of Kathy.  

Side note: Kathy's Wrath sounds like a good strong drink.  It could literally be liquid courage.  As Drake says, you only live once.  Might as well go out guns blazin'.