Tuesday Tantrums (and other letters)

Happy Tax Day!  I was a good citizen this year and finished my taxes early...27 hours early to be exact.  Another year, another handful of cuss words as I write my check to the state of Oklahoma.  I think since I have to pay money every year, I should have a little more say in the legislation.  My first proposed bill is outlawing wind.  Next up, no more chewing gum for anyone.  If you can't chew quietly, you don't deserve the privilege.

So, let's jump right into this Tuesday edition of letters, shall we?

Dear Facebook Friends,

What gives?  What's with holding back on important information?  At no time have I seen people post about the without-warning-full-out-tantrums children aged 18 months throw. Why isn't anyone talking about this?  As of this weekend, I am the proud owner of a child who may or may not be possessed.  I thought tantrums were brought on by something actually happening, not just because.  I don't even know how to handle such occurrences, because I fail to understand why a reasonable person would throw themselves to the floor and scream at the top of their lungs because their bib is removed.  How about a little less talk of potty training, and more talk about what to do when your child's soul is taken over by the dark side.  That'd be great.

Sincerely,

Confused Parent

Dear Professional Wrestling,

Thanks for the trip down memory lane lately.  I've had more conversations about WWF and professional wrestling in the last week than I have in 25 years.  It's been fantastic.  I've reminisced about being a Hulkamaniac, the Saturday morning cartoon Hulk Hogan Rock n' Wrestling, Junkyard Dog, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, and G.L.O.W. (gorgeous ladies of wrestling).  And by reminisced, I mean I talked about them and Husband stared back in confusion.  Whatever.  I'm clearly a more well-rounded person because of my knowledge of Rowdy Roddy Piper and the sleeper hold.  

Whatcha gonna do, brotha?

Kath

Dear Oklahoma Weather,

Earthquakes, tornado warnings, 80 degrees and snow all within 48 hours?  Yawn.  Until you produce a typhoon, I'm underwhelmed.

Wall clouds and thunder sleet, 

Kathy

Speaking of thunder...

Dear Thunder,

I'm totally not worried.  So you lost to Jeff Withey and the walk-ons.  No big woo.  Everyone just remain calm, we've got them right where we want them.  It's almost playoff time, so you've got my full attention.  I think everything is going to be A-OK.  Unlike previous years, you aren't the hottest team going into the playoffs, and I think that's good.  Let's take the Tom Izzo approach to winning, it only matters if you win in the post season.  Let's just focus on making the following players cry over the next couple of weeks: Manu Ginobili, Tim Duncan, Mario Chalmers and Joakim Noah.  I realize that we necessarily play the last two, but my dislike for them is equal.

Fair weather fan at her finest,

K

Dear OSU baseball,

So I don't want to pin all my hopes and dreams on Bedlam baseball...but I'm pinning all my hopes and dreams on Bedlam baseball, of which we get a preview tonight. My long and difficult plight as an OSU fan is well-documented.  I need the blood moon and the stars to align and give me a big fat series sweep.  No mercy.  As they say on Mortal Kombat: Finish them! (<-- okay, that's not an exact quote, just go with me).  Here's to letting the Hulkamania run wild.

Go Pokes!

K Rath 

Hey man, nice Ray Bans

I'm back!  I missed you guys!  Life just wasn't the same unplugged...I was actually able to pay attention to things and read books.  It was very 2003.  Retro.

My Amazon Adventure was a successful one.  Great trip, lots of amazing experiences.  I don't know where I'd rank it with all my travels, but it is in the top 5 of Most Unique Places Visited.  I don't have one overall list, I have sub-lists.  I'm weird, you should know this by now.

I haven't traveled in a while, so you may not be aware that odd things typically occur/happen to me on trips.  I don't just take snapshots and city tours.  Fascist mayors of Rome sit down and have lunch next to me and whaling boat captains try to convince me to ride in their mini vans (both true stories).  So let's dive into Amazonia, and the uniquely Kathy things that happened.  I've included pictures to help you feel more like you were there.

One of the first things we did upon arrival was go piranha fishing.  My mom caught two.  I caught zero.  But whose keeping score?  It's all about the memories, man.  The highlight of the excursion though, was being hit in the head by a catfish.  Yes, it's true.  The man on the opposite side of the boat from me got so excited when there was a tug on his line, that he over-yanked that bad boy out of the water.  It flew across the boat, and I was slapped in the back of the skull by an Amazon River catfish.

The monkeys lived up to the hype.  They were wild, rambunctious and adorable.  I've decided I am going to start a monkey farm in my backyard.  I'm pretty sure that will requires some permits, so I'll get back to you with the grand opening date.We had several face-to-furry-face encounters with the monkeys.   The first was on a pedestrian bridge.  We had been explicitly warned by our guide not to feed the monkeys.  So as you can imagine, everyone filled their pockets with food.  Bananas for everyone!  It was fun, and quite an experience...until we tried to return to our boat.  We got behind a couple who were feeding the monkeys Oreos.  Monkeys have the same reaction to Oreos that humans have...mass hysteria.  Tiny primates were flying ALL OVER THE PLACE.  They were screeching at each other, leaping through the air.  It was borderline terrifying.  At one point, I watched as a capuchin launched himself over my head, missing me by four centimeters.  Remember the movie The Birds?  It was like that.  But with fur and tails.  I was basically in an episode of Survivor.

I did my best Bindi Irwin impersonation and got to hold and touch a boatload of wild animals. And I'm not talking drugged up baby goat at the petting zoo.  These were real deal wild animals.  I held a 7-foot caiman (South America's version of an alligator) and got to pet a pink dolphin.  And those dolphins were aggressive too. It was like When Nature Attacks.  But the absolute best part of the trip for me was getting to hold a three-toed sloth.  Our guide just plucked him out of the tree.  Seriously.  How thrilled do I look?  It was amazing.  He was all, "Whatever, man.  I only poop once a week, I'm in no hurry."

Every time I travel, I bring Husband back a soccer scarf from said country.  It's my "sorry for abandoning you" present.  I was lucky enough to be in South Africa right after the last World Cup, so I was able bring back some good gear.  Seeing as the World Cup is only a few months away in Brazil, I was confident I could load up on riches.  But here is the mystery of all mysteries (not really, I'm just being dramatic): there is little to no soccer stuff to be found in Manaus, Brazil.  I found a few jerseys, but that was it.  No scarves.  No World Cup memorabilia.  At one point, I felt like I need to tell them that they were actually hosting the thing pretty soon.  I did a lot of pantomiming, seeing as I speak no Portuguese.  "Do you have soccer scarves?" I would ask, while mimicking where a scarf would go.  I'm guessing since we were located 35 miles south of the equator, something might have been lost in translation there.  "Futbol scarf?"  I inquired, while kicking and scarf motioning.    I imagine that after I left their store, they all gathered around and talked about that "crazy Americano who was having a seizure talking about soccer."  I came home empty-handed.  I'm just going to order one off the internet and call it a wash.  No one will remember where it came from in a year or so.

Other things of note: my new OSU baseball hat and expensive sunglasses are now residing at the bottom of the Amazon River.  I bought a pair of orange fake Ray Bans for five American dollars from a street peddler to protect my corneas for the rest of the week.  Next to the sloth, they may be the second best part of the trip... the humidity sat at a consistent 445% the whole time we were there.  I never stopped sweating.  I'm actually still sweating now.  I also rocked a blonde afro the entire time I was there.  If I ever have to live there, I will either shave my head or get cornrows.  Either would look superb...we saw the jacana bird (pictured to the right).  Also known as the "Jesus Christ bird" because he walks on water.  Oddly enough, I also saw him heal lepers and turn water into wine.

And that's all I know.  Until the next adventure...