Are you going to Newark?

Kathy is back in America.  It is now acceptable to begin your celebrations.  I'm stuck in the Washington Dulles airport, working on hour 7 of a 9 hour layover.  Yes, nine hours in one airport.  I have so much to share with you, readers, I don't really know where to start.  So here is how it's going to go.  I'm just going to write/blog until one of three things happens: 1. I fall asleep 2. My computer dies  Or 3. I get on the plane.    I should share with you though that I am surrounded by MANY distractions.  A man with a handle bar mustache, those have always distracted me; a person sitting directly across from me that I cannot identify their sex, and a guy who is sucking food out of his teeth.  He is the devil.

I would like to briefly touch on the subject of how much I hate the double standard of airport etiquette.   I've touched on this before, but Kathy has a real problem bad customer service.  Typically, I let people know how I feel about their inability to carry out their job...to serve the customer.  But in airports, you can't lose your cool, because then you are a security threat and risk getting tasered.  So you have to endure being spoken to as if you are the stupidest person they have ever had to deal with...in their entire life.

As Sophia on the Golden Girls used to say, picture it, 2011 Washington Dulles Airport.  I had just come off an 18 hour flight from Johannesburg.  I was carrying a duffle that was serving as a carry on.  It weighed approximately 424 lbs.  Under my other arm was a 3 foot African mask wrapped in bubble wrap.  As I shuffle down the customs line, that actually is more like a three-leveled ramp, a woman who works at this fine institution leans over and starts to yell at me about my African mask. This is how the interaction went,  what I was thinking is in parentheses.

Angry Airport Woman: Tell her she has to pack that away or they will take it away from her

Me: (who is she talking to?  And what is she talking about?)

AAW: You'll have to put it away!  They will take it away!

Me: Okay

AAW: Look, I'm not trying to be mean, I just know how it works.

Me: Okay (why is she still yelling at me?  what does she want me to do about it at this moment?)

AAW: I've worked here 10 years.  I know how it works...they will take it away from you!

Me: *silence* (if I don't say anything back maybe she will stop yelling at me and everyone will stop staring at me)

AAW: THEY WILL TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU!

Okay, I think it's abundantly clear that this woman wants me to know that "they" will take my African mask away from me.  What I never quite understood was how she wanted me to solve this problem?  Was I supposed to fly back to South Africa and return the mask?  Should I put it on my head?  Should I put it in my luggage that I had yet to claim?  Why was there a need to yell?  I don't know what she wanted out of me, but I know I didn't appreciate her delivery.

After that debacle, we had to recheck our bags at the United counter.  Super, super helpful people manning those stations.  They must go through special training to provide such amazing assistance.  We get to the counter and I check us in.  Then I hit a snag...can't check bags until 4 hours prior to flight.  It was only noon.  I had 3 hours to go...  Drat!  I ask for assistance.  Woman walks up to me and says, "Four hours, four hours, four hours."  And then she walked away.  That was her attempt at helping me.  I started to walk away only to realize that the two other couples we were traveling with who were on our same flight back to OKC both had their bags checked.  I went up to a new United employee and explained that I needed to speak to someone about checking our bags early.  Here is our interaction:

Super Helpful Lady:  They can't help you with that here

Me: But they just helped our friends 

SHL: Well they can't help you with that here

Me: But they just did

SHL: You need to go around the corner, that requires special assistance

Me: But they just helped our friends, right here

SHL: No.  They can't.

I see we don't agree on the way things have occurred.  I gave in.  Off we went to the super secret double probation counter.  As we wait in line, the man at the counter yells, "Are you going to Newark?!"

Me: No.

Nice Guy: Houston?

Me: No.

NG: WHERE are you going??

Me: Oklahoma City

NG: Through Newark?

Me: No.

NG: Then you need to leave this line.  This is Continental.  (points to sign)

Me: We are directed to Number 10 from the other counter.

NG: THIS is number 12.  Please leave this line.

So here is my question for you, you arrogant jerk, why do you have to be so mean?  There was not  one other person in line.  Just me.  What was with the condescending tone and pointing?  Necessary?  I think not.  Why don't you do everyone a favor and turn that frown upside down, pal?

After we moved lines, the guy behind me kindly pointed out that the Nice Guy was available to help me.  I turned and told him, "That guy has already informed me that he has no intention of helping me unless I am going to Newark.  I am not going to Newark.  But if you are, knock yourself out."

The good news is that our bags did get checked in at the secret counter and I still have my African mask.  I still have one eye open for the people who will take it away from me.  I'm curious if it will be a temporary thing or if they will take it away forever.  I wonder if I'll have visitation rights...I did carry it across the Atlantic Ocean after all, doesn't that count for something?