That's kind of my thing...

These are the things that are currently on my mind...

...I just referred to myself as a BA in an email to Husband.  I then went on to tell him that I will be referring to myself as a BA from this point forward, and a BAMF when I do something super awesome.  I've decided that's my new thing.  Until I forget it's my thing and move on to something else...

...I really want a sour cream gun.  Can civilians buy these?  If so, I'd like one in  my stocking this year, sans sour cream.  Every time I fix a baked potato or a taco on Taco Tuesday, I think, "Why is sour cream so hard to maneuver?"  And that commercial is crap.  Who wants a dollop?  I want my sour cream spread out.  I want the gun.  And I may or may not make laser beam sounds when I shoot it on my food...

...Arts and crafts with a baby are hard.  Last week, the ladies at daycare told me Spencer was advanced.  Apparently, I processed that information as, "Your daughter is a savant."  I researched lots of cute arts and crafts projects on Pinterest with high hopes of cuteness galore.  The funny thing about Pinterest is that no one tells you, "A 10 week old can't do this project, you moron."  So I bought paint and glitter and all the accoutrements.  I ended up with a baby covered in green and red paint and seven failed attempts at homemade keepsakes.  The dog was barking and running in circles, I yelled at Husband because he couldn't get our advanced daughter's feet properly on the paper to make perfect Christmas trees, it was a really fun family moment.  No idea why I think I'm Martha Stewart.  I much more resemble the SNL spoof version of Martha who puts pretty bows on bags of poo...

...I'm salty about all this talk of Mike Gundy leaving.  Who knows if he will, but my gut is saying he will.  Because this is what being an OSU fan is all about.  I waited my entire life for us to be relevant in football.  I stuck with this team one disappointing season after another.  "Just give them more time," was my mantra.  And then it came.  2011 was like a wonderful dream amongst fluffy clouds of touchdowns.  And what do I get as a follow up?  A bleh-filled 7-5  season with my coach bailing to an uglier orange.  Thanks Universe.  Thanks for bringing me back to reality...

...There has been a significant shift in the space time continuum.  Our household can no longer yell during sports.  I'm devastated.  Yelling during sports is kind of my release of all stress in my life.  When I yell, "Rebound!" or "Holding!" I feel better about life.  My advanced baby doesn't feel so good about it.  We learned this during Bedlam as Blake Bell rumbled into the endzone with 45 defenders hanging off of him. Then this past Saturday, as my Pokes lost the ability to tackle, my baby cried as if she had been stuck with a hot poker...in the eye.  Imagine my mood as my football team was refusing to win and my baby suffering emotional trauma.  Maybe she could read the writing on the wall that Gundy was leaving.  It makes me want to cry too...

Hiking a mountain with Bradley Cooper

There are two things on my mind, and they have nothing to do with one another.  This happens a lot.  I want to blog, but I have too many topics to cover.  So, I'm just going to write about them both.  Don't try to find the common bond.  It doesn't exist.

This morning I was watching Morning Joe. I think this is a sign that I really am old.  Or well-informed.  Or on my way to being a well-informed senior citizen.  (**Editor's note: I had a very long paragraph here explaining why I watch Morning Joe.  After I read it, I realized no one cares why, so I deleted it.  If you want to know my reasoning, let me know.  I'm happy to share).

On today's show Bradley Cooper was promoting his new movie.  After watching his interview, I walked into the kitchen and had the following conversation with Husband.

Kathy: I'm uncomfortable with how attractive Bradley Cooper is.
Husband: Oh yeah?
Kathy: Yeah.  He's promoting his movie on Morning Joe, and he's also talking public policy.  When his segment ended, he asked  if he could stick around to talk to Chris Christie. Apparently, he's smart.  AND he speaks French.  And he's just so good looking.  It all makes me a little uncomfortable.
Husband: **laughing**
Kathy: Can someone really be that perfect?  I just don't know.  
Husband: Maybe he's a womanizer.
Kathy: That's okay with me.

I thought about my last comment as I continued getting ready and came to the conclusion that I don't mind men who are womanizers.  In fact, a lot of my very good guy friends are womanizers.  I don't even know what that says about me.  I worry that sometimes I really am a boy, but then I buy four pairs of new shoes and watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and balance everything out.

Moving on... somehow my name and address were distributed to every company that produces a catalog in the last four months.  We honestly get at least four each day in the mail.  Just throw them out, Kathy, you say.  Well, no.  I flip through every one of them.  I use those little sticky tabs that you are supposed to use on important documents at work and tag all the things I like.  I get a shopper's high from it without spending money.  Somewhere along the line, someone out there in consumer land got the idea that Husband and I are adventurous.  We get catalogs filled with plaid outdoorsy stuff a lot.  They should know that they received bad information.

And then I received a Patagonia catalog two days ago.  Have you ever seen one of these?  I had not. I had no idea what I was missing out on.  Remember when Elaine Benes worked as a copy editor for the J. Peterman Catalog?  I think the Patagonia catalog is the Peterman catalog in the real world.  There are stories inside.  Long adventurous tales.  It's fascinating.  Beautiful pictures of mountains and such.  They aren't just selling clothes here people, they are selling a lifestyle.  And I'm buying!  I'm buying the clothes, not the lifestyle.  Who in the world has time to climb a mountain?  I am currently trying to find time to make my bed.

So is it acceptable for a non-adventurous person to wear Patagonia?  Because I feel like the only people I've ever seen wearing it are also wearing hiking boots and carrying a Nalgene bottle.  I have neither.  Would I be instantly identified as a poser?  Because there is a very cute orange pullover jacket, that apparently is perfect for wicking away the moister while climbing over boulders.  I however would wear it as I climb the treacherous stairs of Gallagher Iba Arena.

Check the Footnotes

I need to get something off my chest.  I don't like Rhianna.  I should clarify, I don't like her music.  I have no issues with her as a person.  Go on with your tattooed self.  But her music...I feel as if I'm being punished.  What did I do so wrong?  She was the musical guest last week on SNL.  I watched as she sang her new song Diamonds. And I thought, "I don't think I like this song. Are there any verses?  Or just the chorus over and over?"  Then on the way to work yesterday I heard the same song and thought, "Okay, I really don't like this song.  Why does she sing so monotone?"  It's like listening to a robot from Barbados.  I mean, do they even have robots in Barbados?  Doubt it.  And the line, "Shine bright like a diamond," stuck with me ALL day.

You know how one form of prisoner torture is to play an annoying song on repeat?  I strongly suggest they
play Rhianna.  They could rotate between Diamonds  and her song with Drake, Take Care.  Show those terrorists how much we really hate them.  Damn right, America!  One of my friends who went to a different college and pledged a different sorority once told me a story about her initiation.  They played Alabama's Song of the South on repeat for hours.  In the biz, that's what we call "hazing."  She got into my car once and that song came on.  Let's just say that she had a strong reaction.  I feel that way about Rhianna.  My body tenses up, I grip the steering wheel, and I get angry.  And because my subconscious hates me, the song plays on repeat in my head for the rest of the day.  My brain is hazing me.

I was going to write this blog yesterday, because the wound was so fresh.  But then I got distracted.  It happens.  A lot.  One of the things that distracted me was a column written by Chuck Klosterman I happened upon.  I love Chuck Klosterman, he is one of my favorite writers.  Dave Eggers, Chuck Klosterman, Bill Simmons and Dave Sedaris are at the top of the list.  Apparently, I'm a sexist reader.  Let me amend my list to include Jen Lancaster and Jennifer Weiner.  I'd add Pat Forde to this list, but five years ago he wrote some critical things about Coach Gundy, and I take such blasphemy seriously.  So as I was reading this Klosterman column, I was reminded of his genius use of footnotes.  He manages to write amazing, thought-provoking material, while staying on point because all the off-shoot random details are included in footnotes.  You know who would benefit from this type of writing?  Kathy would.  I have the HARDEST time staying on topic.  I tend to write in a stream of consciousness.  See: Dave Eggers (I'm not comparing myself to Dave Eggers.  He is a genius.  I'm a random girl who people call the wrong name.)  Klosterman's use of footnotes is not in the lame bibliography way, instead they are in the "here's a supporting thought, and if you would like to know more about why I included that, please look at the bottom of the page," way.  Genius.  And as I write this, I'm remembering that in A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers uses footnotes too.  I love footnotes!  I must find a way to use footnotes.  If I was using footnotes right now (but can't because Blogger.com doesn't have that feature) I would note that I managed to use the word "genius" four times in this paragraph, and that is super annoying.  Me and Rhianna. Two annoying girls just trying to make ends meet.

Danke Schoen

(**Editor's Note: My extended blogging hiatus has been due largely in part to the human that I created.  I don't know if anyone has told you guys, but babies are a lot of work.  I look forward to her hitting the three-month mark when she will become completely self-sufficient.)

As my Facebook timeline is filled with the "Today I'm thankful for..." status updates, I had an idea.  Why not just knock them all out at once? I thought about carrying out my grand plan on FB, but as you will see, my thankful things are filled with snark.  Snark is best left to the blog.  Don't want any of my almost 600 closest friends to think I'm making fun of their thankful things, I'm just taking a Kathy-like stand on the matter.  So here are my top 10 thankful things, I tried to come up with 21 and ran out of steam...

1. Tupac.  I'm thankful for Tupac Shakur.  There has never been a time in  my life when I heard a Tupac song that it didn't instantly improve my mood.  Kids these days don't appreciate the genius that is I Get Around, Dear Mama, and I Ain't Mad at Cha. Thug life, homie.
2. Cowboy basketball.  Went to the exhibition game the other night and man I'm happy that the season has started.  I love Cowboy basketball. I love being able to say things like, "You shouldn't get beat by an outlet pass," and Husband looking at me and saying, "The fact that you say things like that is ridiculous."  If by ridiculous, you mean ridiculously awesome, you're right.
3. My leadership class.  I'm part of a leadership class that runs from October until April.  It's filled with young whipper-snappers throughout the OKC community.  They do fun things like brunch and happy hour and community meetings.  Granted, I haven't gotten to participate in the fun activities due to the human I made, but knowing that it's a possibility makes me very happy.
4. My new car.  Or whip as the kids say.  Actually, I have no idea if people still call cars "whips."  They probably don't, which really demonstrates how old I am.  Sigh.  Anyway, I love my new car.  I realize that loving material things is shallow.  Oh well.  It's awesome.  It has so many bells and whistles, my heart is happy each time I get in.  The cup holders also light up...in orange lights.  When we got in at the dealership and were being told how to work all the 1,000 gadgets, guess what was playing on Sirius?  Ludacris.  Unedited.  It was destiny.
5. Sirius Satellite Radio.  I've never had it before and let me tell you, having it is like being an Amish person with an iPhone.  Mind blown.  They have a country station that only plays 80s and 90s country.  Holy Travis Tritt and Tanya Tucker, this station was made for me.
6. Election season ending.  Too much propaganda.  I can't imagine living in a swing state, because I'm sick of it and I live in a state that all the candidates forgot.  I'm also tired of a certain Congressional candidate calling our house.  I keep trying to break up with you and you don't seem to be getting the message.
7. The show Breaking Amish.   You should watch this show.  It's a train wreck.  In the most beautiful way.
8. Being able to say anything I want to my baby.  She's so young, I can just talk and talk and she'll never actually know what I'm saying.  Yesterday, I sang James Brown to her (Get on the scene!  You're a poop machine).  I talked to her this morning about the election.  And I sing the OSU fight song to her when she cries.  I am entertaining myself more than anything.  Conclusion drawn: I need more adult interaction.
9. Dark beer.  I got to drink one the other night after 10 months on the wagon.  My heart was all aflutter.  I am thankful for you dark beer, I really am.
10. The Chicago Bears defense.  Single-handily has saved my fantasy football season.  Hats off to you Brian Urlacher.

The End.  Thank you and goodnight.

Go State!

Football season officially begins tonight in our house.  Technically, it starts for everyone tonight, but this blog isn't about everyone, it's about me.  Focus, please.  Arizona State plays NAU tonight.  As you may or may not know, Husband and I are both ASU graduates.  The Sun Devils are my second favorite college team, but I have to admit, I have to rely on Husband to keep me posted on the goings on with the team.  For example, they have a new QB starting this year since that yellow belly Brock Osweiler abandoned the team.  For the record, Husband and I don't agree on Brock.  He harbors no ill will, I think he's a traitor and I will never consider him a member of Sun Devil Nation.  I tend to have more aggressive feelings about sports than Husband.  Anyway, there was a three-horse race for the starting job.  I was told one of the guys reminded everyone of Jake "The Snake" Plummer.  To which my obvious response was, "So he's smoking hot?" I guess that's not what they meant. They were referring to him being able to move/throw/escape a collapsing pocket.   Good news: the kid who is like Jake won the job.  His name is Taylor Kelly.  I guess I'll find out tonight if he is smoking hot.  God, I hope so.  I have a soft spot for pretty QBs.  Also, for anyone wondering at home, Jake Plummer is by far my all-time favorite Sun Devil.  Then comes James Harden.

Enough of this ASU talk, let's move on to the Cowboys.  I've typically written a blog every year before the season starts, sending up a multi-part prayer/plea to God/Jesus/Santa/the Universe to grant me my wishes.  This was last year's blog, if you are interested. All but one of the things I asked for came true. Most importantly, I finally got what I wanted...a BCS Bowl and win.  Obviously, there was one hiccup in the season, but like I've stated before, I refuse to acknowledge that the Iowa State game ever occurred.   I also got to witness, with my own eyes in person, a beautiful Bedlam beatdown.  I rushed the field.  I was 32 and rushed the field...and that makes me just a little more awesome than I was before.


So here's my wish list, by the Power of Greyskull, let them all come true:

1. I'd really like the team intro to be awesome.  A really good intro should make you want to punch someone and high five them at the same time.  Your heart should race, you should get excited all over again watching that big hit from last season, you should scream like a Bieber fan when they show a highlight of your player flattening the 2011 Heisman Trophy winner.  The music should be aggressive.  Everyone in Boone Pickens Stadium should be ready to knock someone out when the intro ends.  Last year, our intro didn't even have any words.  And it showed guys working out.  Ummm, watching someone do a deadlift doesn't really get me going.  Sit ups don't get me pumped.  I want big hits.  I want sideline shots of RGIII, Landry Jones and Andrew Luck looking like broken men.  Devastation...that's all I'm asking for.  Did I mention I tend to be a very aggressive fan?
2. Beat Texas.  I want this win...badly.  If you peruse the message boards, the Longhorn fans are cocky.  They are confident they are back, and their defense is going to be dominant.  Well, I remember putting 420 offensive yards on that dominant defense last year.  And ESPN/CBS/ABC  can show Manny Diaz all they want, but his good looks don't stop touchdowns.  I want to beat Texas in Stillwater.  I want someone to stomp on Mack Brown's face.  Okay, not literally, I actually like Mike Brown.  I'm speaking metaphorically.  Beat.  Down.  Leave Kirk Herbstreit speechless.  And for the record, I just don't see any way I'll be able to attend this year's OSU v Texas game.  And let me express how sad that makes me... I haven't seen OSU beat Texas in person since 1997.  Fifteen years.  I may never forgive myself for not waiting to have this baby until after this game.  Come on' Kath, priorities!
3. No big drop off.  I know we lost a lot of key components last year.  I know this.  But like those obnoxious people in the SEC say, we don't rebuild, we reload.  Then they slam a mint julep and show you their Bear Bryant tattoo.  Anywho, I really believe the Cowboys should be at that level.  We shouldn't just fall apart because we lost two first round picks and three offensive lineman and some key guys on defense.  There should be someone great, ready to step in and fill those shoes.  Someone who makes us all say, "Brandon who?"  Okay, that's not going to happen.  Weeden is a hero.  Hell, every time I type "we" into my phone, it automatically tries to write Weeden.  That probably speaks more to my level of obnoxiousness than his greatness, but that's not the point.  I think a 10-2 season is completely doable, and 9-3 is acceptable.  It wouldn't make me happy, but I would accept it.  But anything other than that, I've got a problem.  We can't fall back into mediocrity.  I've tasted greatness, and I won't go back...you can't make me.

And that's it.  I don't feel like I'm asking too much.

Go Pokes!

Cool sweater, brah

I was going to write a blog about all the stuff the Today Show taught me this week.  But as I reflected, it didn't really teach me much.  However, before I launch into my tirade about a story I saw yesterday, I'd like to quickly touch on the fact that Prince Harry seems like a lot of fun.  I mean, A LOT of fun.  Good for him and his Vegas shenanigans.  You won me over, sire.

Okay, on to the ridiculous story I watched yesterday...  A woman was featured whose claim to fame was the fact that she had not purchased anything new in five years.  Five years.  She sounds like a real blast, huh?  Apparently, this all started by her challenging herself to go one month and not buy something new.  Hey lady, if these are the crazy goals you are setting for yourself, you might be the most boring person on the planet.  Try chugging an entire jug of milk, engaging in a wrestling match with an alligator, or not watching Sportscenter for 17 days (I did that during the Olympics...talk about a challenge).  But not buying stuff?  That's just un-American.  I, on the other hand, am an amazing American.  Freakin' Uncle Sam style up in here.

My scowl grew deeper and deeper as I watched her story develop.  Don't think for a second she wasn't high and mighty about her non-consumerism.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm all about a bargain. And if you are good at it, thrift store shopping can  be quite rewarding.  I have a friend whose mother is the best thrift store shopper on the planet.  Seriously, this woman can find anything worth value and walk out paying $.50.  She should teach a class, it's impressive.  But this stupid woman on the Today Show...different story.

The final straw for me was when she was showing off all the great "deals" she had gotten from the thrift store and held up an oversized lime green  ribbed sweater and said, "This sells for $150 in the stores, I got it for $4." Liar! Ummm, it cost $150 in 1999.  You didn't get a bargain, you were probably overcharged.  Just because it cost that much at one time in history doesn't mean that is the actual value.  Need an example?  Z. Cavaricci jeans.  At one time, very expensive.  I owned a pair of forest green Z Cavs.  They were awesome.  I was in 7th grade.  I wore them with Cole Haan boots.  I was awesome.  However, I think it's safe to say Z. Cavaricci's have lost their value.  As has the ribbed lime green sweater.

And another thing, just because it was once in fashion, doesn't mean it still is.  Nobody else is buying lime green anything anymore.  That color is reserved for the 90s and post-it notes.  You know what else used to be in fashion?  Tricorne hats.  If you wore one today, people are probably going to think you are crazy.  Oh, who am I kidding?  18th Century hats are rad.  If I had one, I'd wear it while carrying a musket and yelling, "Hark!  Hark!" 

So the moral of my super judgy blog is this: your discount sweater doesn't make you a smarter consumer than the rest of us.  It makes you cheap...and dressed in a lime green sweater.  And that offends me.

Possums and bad decisions...Part II

Part II....

Onto a completely unrelated topic...bad decisions. Bad decisions have been on my mind a lot lately.  It started with reading this blog.  Totally hilarious.   The girl talks about some bad decisions she made including, "In college, I drunkenly convinced my frazzled roommate that she needed to let me sit up so I could do something really important and then proceeded to vomit into one of my rain boots."  That made me think, I could write a lot of blogs or even a book about all the bad decisions I've made.  It would be pretty hilarious stuff.  But then I thought about the shame it would bring upon my family.  Not so much my brother, he's pretty aware of the dumb crap I've done, but my mom would be pretty upset.  Then I thought about how important it is for me to develop a pen name.


Then I was driving today and listening to the radio and they were talking about Chris Ochocinco Johnson.  He's the second person in as many days that I've felt bad for regarding their bad decisions.  I always feel bad for people who make bad decisions.  I want to give them a do-over.  I'd love to say it's because I'm such a loving kind soul who believes in the best in everyone, but I think it has more to do with my penchant for my own bad decisions.  This especially comes into play when I can picture myself in the same situation.  For the record, that was not the case with Ochocinco.  I can't imagine myself as an NFL wide receiver head butting my new wife.  But I did like his show on VH1and thought he seemed like a pretty likable guy.  I would also like to say, that I don't condone violence when angry or in general.  The only people who are allowed to headbutt are The Bushwackers.  Because they are awesome.


Where was I?  Oh right, bad decisions.  I used to think everyone made them.  It was kind of a right of passage.  It's what I like to call your 20s.  But I'm starting to realize, that's not true.  Apparently, there are tons of people out there who are responsible and level-headed and walk the straight and narrow.  These people don't really take risks, are even-keeled, and for the most part don't make bad decisions.  These people are what I like to call fun-haters.  And they rarely have any good stories to tell.


So that's my new angle.  Every time I make a bad decision, I'm going to think of it as "material."  Material for a book I should write, or material for if I ever become funny enough to be a stand up comedian...so it looks like it will be material for a book.  I hear once you have a baby you have nothing but free time on your hands, so looks like now is the perfect time to start.  Great thinking, Kath!

And finally, as a show of my maturity, and maybe a sign that I've become a better decision maker, I found this picture when I Google image searched "bad decisions."  I thought it was really, really funny.  I was going to use it as the lead picture for this blog, but then thought, "No, Kathy.  You are getting ready to be a parent.  All your mommy friends on facebook will be upset/worried/concerned if you put that picture up."  So, I hid it down here at the bottom for those of you who have a sense of humor.  You're welcome.


I promise not to put my baby in a pot...at least not on the stove.