Stop it

I mean, whatever.  Football is stupid and I hate sports.  Bring on basketball season.  Oh, what's that?  Phil Forte is in a walking boot?  Yes, I did see that on Friday night.  It made me super happy and excited.  I also had the same feelings when I saw the preseason college basketball poll. Stupid Kansas is just going to keep being great and stupid OU is ranked #15.  Good for them for hiring a sound coach who's likable.  That doesn't bother me, AT ALL.

Oh and I don't know if you guys have heard, but my fantasy football team is currently down 112 points.  Gonna need a real big night out of Dez Bryant.  Like, he's gonna need to throw the ball to himself and then run for 90 yards for a touchdown. I'm then going to need him to kick the ensuing extra point.  Then he's gonna need to take a quick Gatorade break, hop back out there on defense and sack whoever is quarterbacking for Washington these days seven or eight times, each time causing a fumble and picking that bad boy up and returning it for a touchdown. Don't forget about the extra points!  And if he could do that five or six times, I'm back in the game.

As my "friend" who is shamelessly beating me continued to rack up points, he started to text me.  Letting me know how great his team is and how pathetic mine is.  My only response was to tell him he had the wrong number.  Each time, I would reply, "I'm sorry.  I don't know who this is.  You have the wrong number."  It was my hope, that just for a second, he thought maybe he did have the wrong number.  I see your immaturity, and I raise you a denial.

Speaking of denial, let's get to the real meat and potatoes of this blog....OSU football.  Raise your hand if you are ready for the season to be over.  If your hand isn't raised, it's because you live in Mississippi or are a masochist.    I saw that Gundy said he understood the fans' frustration, but he's looking at the big picture. And by "big picture," I assume you mean 2015?  So we should all collectively quit together?  Super.  How about this....how about you apologize to the fans who show up and watch that bad product?  How about you donate the rest of this season's salary to a worthy cause?  Or maybe four different worthy causes for every game you are focused more on the big picture rather than getting our skulls bashed in in the present.  It doesn't even appear that anyone is trying.  Tyreek Hill may still be trying, but it's hard to know since he is hardly used.

I made the mistake of reading internet comments after the game.  Lots of people proudly shouting, "Win or lose, I still love the Cowboys!"  "Don't be a bandwagon fan, support them no matter what!"  Whatever, people.  What.  Ever.  The way I see it, watching this team is like watching my kid poop on the floor.  It's gross.  And I don't enjoy it.  Will I still love her if she poops on the floor?  Of  course I will.  Do I have to accept it?  No I do not.  It's my right as a fan, to expect men who are making hundreds of thousands of dollars to do their jobs better.  It doesn't make me a bad fan, it makes me someone with high expectations.

So Mike Yurcich....stop pooping on the floor.

Letters: Mining for Caramel on Homecoming Weekend

So many topics to cover today, kids.  Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

Dear Sports Illustrated,

Nanny nanny boo boo, you big jerks.  I felt happy earlier this week when it was announced that every single part of the five-part expose you published last year was false.  I felt happy, and then I felt annoyed.  Why weren't you commenting? Where was the exhaustive coverage?  This was a big-time story when you thought we were Scrooge McDucking it and swimming in gold coins.  Remember when you couldn't believe kids were drinking bleach to pass drug tests (I couldn't believe that either)?  Where is the vindication?  Where's the, "Oopsie whoopsie, looks like we might have been wrong?"  I try hard not to troll the internet.  Try being the key word.  But you really put me to the test SI.  I limited myself to one snippy tweet and moved on.  Because the thought of Thayer Evans' crunchy hair hitting the pillow and him thinking, "My God, I'm as big of an idiot as they say," made me feel at peace.

A plague on both your houses, 

Kathy
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Dear Homecoming Festivities,

I'm so happy you are here.  I love Homecoming.  I know you are the best homecoming in the world.  It's a scientific fact, I even asked a scientist.  Just kidding, the only scientist friend I have is an OU fan, so she can't be trusted.  I'm excited to go to walkaround tonight and see all the chicken wire and tissue paper.  I can't wait to get lots of dirty looks from people who hate strollers and babies.  I used to be one of those people, so it's super fun that life has come full circle.  When I told Tiny Human that we were going to a parade, she shouted, "Birthday cake!"  And let me just say, I'm stoked for this new addition to the homecoming traditions.  I love cake.  

Forever Orange,

Kath
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Dear Fall,

I'd like to make a formal request that we change the flavor of fall from pumpkin spice to salted caramel.  It tastes better.  And it is more inclusive for those of us who don't like vegetables.  I can say unequivocally, that I would eat trash if it was salted caramel flavored.  Should I forward this letter on to the Governor?  Michelle Obama?  Who handles things like this?

Yum yum, give me some,

K-Dogg
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Dear New Yorker Magazine,

I have to say, you've outdone yourself with your article about the Chilean miners in the July 7th issue.  I'm sure you are wondering why I'm so far behind in my reading.  This is directly tied to the fact that all of your articles are 700 pages long and it takes me a while.  Deal.  Anywho, this is by far the best article I've ever read.  What a story of perseverance.  I truly believe that every person should read this. It's phenomenal.  As I was reading it at the gym, with tears in my eyes, so moved by the men in the story, it took all of my strength not to turn to the guy who grunts and clanks the weights together and yell, "This is so f-ing inspirational!"  I've never read anything that makes me want to high five everyone more than this did.

Bravo!

K
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Dear Football Team,

Score touchdowns. Win. 

Smooches,

KHR

All the feelings

Today's blog is inspired by the Tiny Human, who managed to show ALL of the feelings this weekend.  Every single one.  No stone unturned.  If she were an actress, and I'm not so sure she's not, this would have easily been considered her greatest performance to date.  Bravo!  A curtain call, indeed.

So let's go through the litany of feelings I've experienced since Saturday.

Happy.

Tiny Human often sings a song from daycare that goes something like this, "Hot dogs today!  Hot dogs today!  We are so happy, hot dogs today!"  And she genuinely seems really happy.  Clapping.  Talking about whatever food is on the menu.  I felt the same happy feels watching OU lose.  My heart felt full.  And you can tell me that type of behavior is petty. Well you can just call me Bryce, cause it felt good.  I especially liked how silent the crowd was.

All of the bad feelings.

I then knew I had approximately 20 minutes before I would no longer be happy.  OSU "played" TCU on Saturday afternoon.  I use quotes because while yes, technically, we were on the field, I don't really think the same amount of effort was being put forth from both teams.  Follow this graphic (that I made all by myself!) as a chart of how my mood changed throughout the game.

I don't claim to be an offensive coordinator.  I actually have no experience in it at all.  But two plays doesn't seem to be getting the job done.  This ain't Tecmo Bowl, son.  Let's get creative.  If you are getting paid per touchdown produced, you are literally stealing money.

For the most part, I feel frustrated with the state of OSU football.  I feel like we are reverting to our old selves.  Like someone who got gastric bypass 5 years ago...the weight is slowly coming back on.  Can't someone slap that doughnut out of our hands?

Happy Again.

The Sundevils won again.  You probably missed that news because they like to play football in the middle of the night.  And that makes me feel tired.  But mainly I was happy, because their handsome quarterback led them to victory against the smarty pants Stanford trees.  Hooray!  It's nice to have a winner to cheer for.

All of the good feels.

Watching Peyton Manning break the touchdown record on Sunday night got me right in the feels.  He's so great.  I tweeted about him being the best.  Hashtag: thebest.  And I lost a follower.  That made me feel confused. Who doesn't like Peyton Manning?  Terrorist.

Then I got sad feelings because they pulled him from the game.  And I have him on my fantasy team.  And I'm playing Husband this week.  And I need all of the points.  Dumb Brock Osweiler brings nothing to the table for me.  I booed.  That made Husband feel disappointed in me.  And frankly, I don't care.

The Opposite of Surprised.

I found out that two OSU players were arrested for falling asleep in their car while waiting in the Whataburger drive through.  Whatever the opposite of stunned/surprised is, that's what I felt.  First of all, drinking till your sleepy is the appropriate way to react to getting so badly whipped.  Second, the line at Whataburger is so long.  I'm guessing they ordered the delicious chicken fingers.  Those suckers take like 15 minutes.  Hashtag: notworthit.

Optimistic.

I feel hopeful that we will beat West Virginia this weekend.   I also feel hopeful that I will win the lottery and become besties for the resties with Kevin Durant.

Remember when

Remember when I used to write blogs on a regular basis?  Those were the days.  Let's jump back into it and dedicate the rest of October to things that smell or taste like pumpkin and Kathy writing on a more consistent basis.  Pumpkin spice room spray for everyone!  (I actually made that purchase yesterday.  Fall is about to go down in our house).

So, let's take a moment to reflect back on things I might have been right or wrong about in regards to college football...

Remember when I said the state of Mississippi was only valuable for their mudpies?  It appears I might have been wrong.  Which is super annoying.  Or as the Mississippians say, daggum 'noying.  I actually have no idea how people from Mississippi talk.  I met Dan Mullen years ago, but he's not actually from there, so I have no frame of reference.  So, let me take this moment to apologize to all the people in the Magnolia State for doubting your football teams.  *shrugs* I didn't know what I was talking about.  Also, let me take this opportunity that warn you, that when an idiot with stupid hair shows up asking questions and holding his phone out, that is Thayer Evans and he wants to know how you pulled a Drake.  Do I need to explain that?  Drake started from the bottom, now he's here.  Actually he started at Degrassi Community School, which is basically the bottom.

Whatever.  Hail State.

Remember when I said that I was tired of hearing that Texas was back?  That's because they're not.  Nope.  They literally outplayed OU in every aspect of the game, minus penalties and the genius decision to kick off to Alex Ross, and still lost.  I don't have the stats in front of me, but it was something to the effect of Texas 799 yards offense, Oklahoma 12.  AND THEY STILL LOST.  That's incredible.  Actually, when you think about it, it's impressive.

Let's all just address the burnt orange elephant in the room...the Longhorn Network was a deal with the devil.  You signed over your soul, and you must suffer for the rest of eternity.  *shrugs again* It didn't have to be this way.

All of that being said, they will probably beat my Cowboys.  Leading me to my last reflection of the day...

Remember when I said I had great trepidation about this season.  It seems as though those fears had merit.  Let me refresh your memory:

Kathy was all: I don't think we are going to be very good.  I bet we lose 7 games.
Everyone else was all: You're a bad fan!  Go Pokes!  Ride 'Em Cowboys!  Tyreek Hill is super fast.
And Kathy was all: Ummm, okay.  But seriously, our Offensive Coordinator is from Shippensburg State.  AND THAT'S NOT A REAL STATE!
And everyone else was all: It's Shippensburg University, not State.  You don't know anything.
And Kathy's all: Whatever.  I'm pretty sure they play 8-man football.

And then the Florida State game happened, and I had a renewed sense of faith. And then our quarterback got his leg amputated (no one knows what really happened, because our program is clouded in mystery).  And we have seemed to regress with each game since.  I read a Dean Koontz book like this once, and if we continue to follow this pattern, we will be maniacal lizards at the end of this season.  And that's not good.

I have more questions than answers with this team.  But these are the things I know: the chrome helmets are awesome and Tyreek Hill is in fact crazy fast.  Things that appear to be so: our offensive line doesn't seem to be getting any better and the offensive playbook doesn't seem to be expanding.  If you throw all those things into a crazy math machine, it spits out: it's gonna be a long two months.

I hope I'm wrong.  And if I am, I'll gladly eat crow...pumpkin-spiced of course.  With a side of Mississippi mudpie.

Letters: She's not even that pretty

Sometimes I roll my eyes so hard, I give myself a headache.  This is my current state when talking college football.  I'm having lots of "oh come on" and "puh-lease!" moments.  I've reached maximum capacity on annoyance.  Let's delve in and see what all the fuss is about, shall we?

Dear Oregon,

STOP LOSING TO ARIZONA!  I am having a hard time putting together the right words to express my annoyance with you.  Quit it.  They aren't even good.  I mean, if you want to lose to an Arizona school, lose to the Sundevils.  Arizona can't even decide if their mascot is a boy or girl, so they have one of each.  Does that sound like a school that deserves a "big win"?  No it does not. Also, you are hurting my credibility when I continue to tout the strength of the PAC 12.  You've upset me.  Again.

For the love of Quackers!

Kathy

Dear College Football Pollsters, 

Okay, as much as this pains me to say, I assume that with dumb Arizona's big win, they will appear in the top 15 next week.  That is the formula, right?  Unranked/unbeaten team beats top 10 team and then vaults into relevancy?  Because that's what happened with Mississippi State.  Never did it occur to anyone that maybe LSU is just having a down year and they might have been overrated to start the season.  Nope.  If one SEC team beats another, it means the conference is stacked.  So much talent. Hashtag: eye roll.

You know what your behavior reminds me of?  When one popular high school boy decides that some random girl is hot.  And then all of a sudden, everyone thinks she's hot.  And then everyone wants to date her.  And I'm over here saying, "Seriously?  Just because Joe Bob Quarterback thinks she's hot, everyone else does too?  SHE'S NOT EVEN THAT PRETTY!"  And are we sure we should follow his judgement?  He's flunking geometry, and that's by far the easiest math.  As Sara Rue once said in Can't Hardly Wait: you're all sheep.

I clearly see through your ruse,

KHR

Dear State of Mississippi,

I'm looking forward to after this weekend not having to pretend like we should care about anything that comes out of Mississippi, except for you mudpies.  Worth noting, I actually have nothing against the state itself. I hear the coast is beautiful.  I just hate the love affair with the SEC.  Someone's got to be the martyr, Mississippi.  No hard feelings.

Lylas,

Kath

Dear University of Michigan,

There's this phrase, "dumpster fire," you might be familiar with seeing as you are the home to Detroit.  (I kid...but I saw 8 Mile, I know what I'm talking about).  I'd say dumpster fire is an adequate term for the current state of affairs with your program.  As someone with absolutely no invested interest, I'm enjoying the show.  So keep it up!  Protest, march, band together!  You guys should plan a protest under the giant Las Vegas message board.  Oh, what's that?  It was causing people to crash their cars because it was so distracting?  Anyway, you guys get together, before it starts snowing, which should be any day now, and march to demand change.

I even have a chant for you.  It's Pure Michigan, if I do say so myself.  "Geez o' Petes!  Fill the seats!"

You're welcome and bundle up!

A former resident

I feel better now that I got all that off my chest.  As always, Go Pokes!

It's All About Commitment

The word for today is commitment.  Actually, I have several random observations to make, and I needed a way to tie it all together.  I'm committed to finding a common link.

So let's take a look at a few recent goings on that I have witnessed that really express commitment as I see it.

Commitment to Self.  Saw a guy driving on his hog recently and his head was tattooed.  Flames on either side of his head.  Like horns, but not. Bet his friends call him "Ol' Fire Head." I mean, when you make that decision, to tattoo your head, you're really committing.  I've also encountered another man several days in a row in the stairwell of the parking garage.  I can't be sure, but it seems as if he might be living there.  What I can be sure of is that he is committed to smoking.  A lot.  Like possibly two packs at once.  I know this because he's always burning a heater when I pass him at 7:30 a.m. and there are approximately 74 cigarette butts surrounding him, which if I did my math right, is more than two packs.  Anyway, as the hip hop artists like to say, "you be you."

Commitment to Beauty.   This of course was witnessed last night when I laid my eyes upon the

most beautiful football helmet ever to be worn at the Oklahoma State game.  Chrome.  Giant Pistol Pete.  Shininess.  Pure beauty.  All of my thumbs are up.  Well done.  You know who doesn't have a commitment to beauty?  Arizona State.  Fire helmets are a bad look.  A very bad look.  It's like a cross between melted butter and one of those tiger-eye marbles (nice reference, Kathy.  You clearly just celebrated your 80th birthday).  Who has ever said, "You know what would be awesome?  If we made it look like our heads were engulfed in flames."  No one said that, unless they were under the influence of bath salts.  Cut 'em lose and set 'em free, Sundevils.  They are ugly and they are bad luck.  I'm convinced they are the reason you lost last night.  That and the complete and total lack of defense.

Commitment to Your Job.  The officials in the OSU vs. Texas Tech game were committed.  Come hell or high water, they were going to throw those little yellow flags.  What's that?  The defender tripped over his own feet?  FLAG.  The defender tackled the ball carrier?  FLAG.  The opposing coach is seducing me with his bedroom eyes?  FLAG.   In total, there were 26 flags thrown.  That works out to 2.3 per minute of play.  I was asked by a friend what the record for most flags thrown in a game is, and Husband swooped in and answered for me.  He has a commitment to interrupting and story-stealing.  He says 36 is the record.  He didn't cite his source, so who knows.  I can't find it through different searches, so I give up.  Let's just say 26.  The record was set last night.  The end.  Well done, zebras!

Commitment to Under Performing.  This would be both of my fantasy football teams.  Through three weeks of play in two leagues, I have managed to compile one win.  That means I'm currently sitting at a 16% winning percentage.  I'm the Idaho of fantasy football.  Magic 8 ball says outlook is cloudy for this week too...because I started stupid Kirk Cousins.  Cool story, bro.  Four interceptions.  That, my friend, is a commitment to pissing me off.

I'll dive more into the enigma that is Cowboy football early next week.  Right now, I'm committing myself to sleep, wine, and finding inner peace with the suckdom that is my fantasy football season.   You're either in or you're out. And I'm totally in.

Pinterest: I love you. I hate you. But mostly, I hate you.

Today is my Tiny Human's birthday.  She is two.  Seems like just yesterday I was thinking to myself, "I'm not mature enough to be a parent."  (Confession: that was just yesterday).  And according to script, I am currently in the throws of the irrational stress of throwing a birthday party.  Lord help me if I make it through Saturday.

Like all good moms, I turned to Pinterest for my inspiration.  Before I get into my hate of the website of the devil, I should state that I actually think Pinterest is genius.  Because I was the person clipping things out of magazine before and had binders of "ideas."  And now the internet is organizing my clutter.  Thanks internet!  Thanks Al Gore!  (I cannot explain why I keep mentioning AG in my blogs).

Here's the problem with Pinterest....I have a false sense of self and Pinterest makes me believe that I can make anything.

Let me walk you through my latest Pinterest project....

I searched and searched and pinned and pinned birthday party ideas.  I settled on a cowgirl themed party.  I figured this was probably the last party I would get to choose the theme, so I went with what I wanted.  I'm selfish.  You need to just get over that.  And it gave me the excuse to buy tiny pink cowboy boots, so it was a win-win situation.

Through my internet searching, I found these cute homemade stick horses.  I read the comments, and all 45 rave about how easy this project is.  One mom goes so far to say, "These are so cute and so easy!  Perfect for a mom who can't sew, like me!"  Well holy crap, that sounds just like me.  Sign me up.

I buy all the accoutrements and am ready to roll.  I will be able to knock these bad boys out in a night, Maybe two

Step 1: Stuff sock with polyfill.

This is super easy.  I nail this part.  I basically owned step 1.

Step 2. Sew on nose and mouth with knitting needle.

How am I supposed to do that?  She says it so matter-of-factly, it can't be hard.  Hey Husband, will you YouTube "how to use a knitting needle?"  Hmmm, that doesn't help either.  How the eff am I supposed to get this stupid mouth attached?  Why aren't there more instructions?  I thought this was supposed to be easy!

I then proceed to yell at Husband, you know because it was his idea to make the damn horses and all, "Just turn off the video!  It's not working!  THROW EVERYTHING AWAY!"

It is immediately decided that I should walk away from the project for the night.

The next morning I realize that while the instructions say "knitting needle," the picture shows a "crochet hook."  I clearly have bought the wrong instrument.  Back to Walmart.

Okay, now I have a crochet hook as pictured.  Hmmmm, nope.  That's not working either.  WHY IS THIS SO HARD? What am I going to do now?  Oh, what's that?  It's supposed to rain on Saturday?  I have no activities.  And no stupid stick horses.  Maybe  we just won't answer the door. Maybe everyone will think they got the wrong day.  I will never throw a birthday party again.

I send a few frantic emails to a friend who is crafty.  She is my only hope.  I need her to tell me how to solve the problem.  She confirms my suspicion that the instructions are stupid, which makes me feel better, but doesn't get me any closer to making the horse.

I make a last ditch effort and go buy a needle made for yarn.  I've gone rogue.  I'm Robert Frosting this shit and going off road.  I have a Master's degree for God's sake, I will master this horse.

Step 3. Have a glass of wine.

At this point, I'm completely improvising.

Step 2 (again).  Sew on mouth and nose with your new fancy yarn needle.

Tada!  It worked.  And the rest actually was easy.  Kind of.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the finished product.

You may notice a few things in this picture.

• An unmade bed and dirty clothes on the ground.  I don't have time to make the bed or pick up my clothes because I've devoted all my free time to making these godforsaken stick horses.
• The horse doesn't have ears.  While I have been to Target, WalMart, and Michael's 19 times this week, I can't remember to buy felt.  He may or may not get ears.  At this point, I could care less.

My timeline was a bit off.  It took three days to complete one horse.  But now that I know what I'm doing, I should be able to knock the rest out in a relatively quick manner, and Husband shouldn't get yelled at for his lack of knowledge of looping yarn on knitting needles.  

After this test of my fortitude, I came to the stark realization that Pinterest is full of lies.  90 ways to tie a scarf and millions of lies.  It's never as easy as they say it's going to be.  Ever.  And it's full of ringers.  Normal people aren't coming up with this stuff.  People who have a freakish ability to make crafty crap are pretending to be normal and tricking the rest of us into thinking we can do it too.  

These people are being paid for their ability to make this cute stuff.  You know how much I got paid?  Nothing.  All I got out of the deal was two knitting needles and a crochet hook that will never be used again. That and the satisfaction of knowing I won.

That being said, I'm willing to sell you a custom-,made stick horse for the bargain price of $300.  I will also throw in a signed copy of this blog so you can know how much went into making it.

On to the next one.  Giddy up.