Dear Santa

Santa!

What it do, boo?  I know you're busy, so I'll keep this as short as I possibly can.  No need to waste time on pleasantries, you know how I feel about you.  You do good work, big guy.

With Christmas only a few days away, I'd like to get my requests in while your elves are still slaving away.  Here's what I need and cannot live without.  I know I can count on you.  

1. Inside scoring.  I feel pretty good about this year's version of Cowboy basketball.  They are gritty and scrappy.  For the first time since the 1970's, we even have depth.  A Christmas miracle indeed!  Yesterday's loss to Maryland doesn't concern me.  First of all, it appears by way of the eye test, Maryland is very good.  It also appears that people grow much taller on the east coast.  For reals, why was everyone on their team so tall?   Anywho, I just want to make sure we continue to have good ball movement and feed it into the post as much as possible.  Passing the ball is a good thing.  Coming out of a timeout and jacking up a long-range jumper?  Not great.  So let's just work on improving, okay?  I also wouldn't mind more rebounding.
2. Sunshine.  So, I don't know what the deal is, but there has been approximately 12 minutes of sunshine in Oklahoma the last month.  It's possible I'm exaggerating.  I cannot live life without sunshine.  Just can't do it.  It's why I moved away from Michigan.  The sun was all, "It's way too cold, bruh.  I'm out."  And I was all, "Yeah, me too."  So I'm going to go ahead and take my talents to Arizona for the holidays until the fiery ball of goodness returns for good or December 29, whichever comes first.
3. No more cowering to North Korea.  So I get it, hacking is scary.  I actually think from time to time after I hit send about how if anyone other than the intended recipient read what I just wrote my pristine reputation may be tarnished.  But come on! I watch Criminal Minds.  I say we see their threat, and raise them a Penelope Garcia.  This is freakin' America!  I know we've got our own cyber thieves lurking out there.  I mean War Games came out more than 30 years ago.  If Ferris Bueller can do it, anyone can.

And that's it!  That's my entire list.  And all of the things I'm asking for would really actually benefit all of mankind, so I'm basically like a philanthropist.

I'd also like a Burberry raincoat.  Cool?

Peace and chicken grease, 

Kathy

Bedlam #blessed

The number of happy feelings I have regarding Bedlam cannot be adequately expressed in words.  Possibly ever.  But because I'm a fighter, I'm going to try.

I'm wearing orange today.  I'll probably wear orange tomorrow too.  Might just wear it for the rest of the month.  I own enough orange items that I could probably dress in orange 45 straight days without repeating an outfit.  Oh a cold snap is on the way?  No problem, I have three orange coats.  Unseasonably warm temperatures ahead?  Great.  I've got an orange tank top for just the occasion.

My four foot tall Pistol Pete who goes in the yard on game days?  He's still out there.  Might just leave him there forever.

The Sunday sports section?  I've been carrying that around with me for two days.

I'm a happy Poke.

Watching the game with a two year old proved to be a challenge.  All was well until we scored our second touchdown of the game.  A 39-yard pass that led to me yelling...loudly.  Tiny Human was stunned.  She started to whimper, then cry, then gasp for air.  Alright, alright.  Where does this kid get such a flair for the dramatic?  After we explained that mommy was excited not mad, she pulled herself together.

At one point, OU's mascot was shown on the screen.

Tiny Human: What's that?
Kathy: That's their mascot.  The horse pig.  We hate him.
*gets the side-eye glance from Husband*
Kathy: I'm sorry, it just slipped out.
Husband: It's fine.  She has to learn eventually.

The game was moving along, there were bright moments, and some bad ones.  I was coming to grips with us losing.  It would be fine.  I was mentally prepared for this.  I have been a Cowboy fan long enough, this is not a new feeling.

And then the fourth quarter happened.   We were scoring.  We were making a comeback.  We were overcoming mistakes.  We don't do these type of things.  We never storm back.  And OU doesn't lose games like this.  And they certainly don't lose AT HOME.  And for the love of everything holy, they don't lose to OSU.  As Ben Stiller says, "No one makes me bleed my own blood!"

I didn't know this feeling.  It was a mixture of a rapid heart beat and nausea.  I was stunned into silence, until I started yelling.  Sometimes they were real words, sometimes just sounds.  Tiny Human repeatedly said, "Mommy!  Stop shouting!"  "Mommy!  You aren't supposed to yell!"  My only response was, "I have to!"  Following the touchdown that brought us to within one score and being scolded once again by my toddler, I turned to Husband and said, "You are going to need to take her to another room, because she's trying to tell me how to be a fan....AND I CAN'T HANDLE THAT RIGHT NOW!" As you can see, this is the point of the night that rationality left.

And then the punt return happened.  And I yelled louder than I ever have, while jumping up and down approximately four inches from the TV.  The only time I remember yelling even close to that loudly was during OSU vs. KU basketball games.  But in those situations, I'm surrounded by other yellers.  Saturday night, it was just me.  The lone wolf....who made her child cry TWICE during the game.

As I paced around the living room repeating to no one in particular, "I can't believe this is happening," Husband comforted our traumatized kid.  It wasn't my finest parenting moment.  When she seeks out therapy to talk about mommy's sports rage, this will be the jumping off point. *shrugs*

I have enjoyed the aftermath almost as much as the game.  I haven't had to walk anywhere, I just float.  It took me 11 solid months to get over last year's Bedlam loss.  The anger and bitterness was high, friends.  So it's nice to watch that happen to the opposing fan base.

#blessed

Good vs. Bad

It's Bedlam week y'all.  Good guys versus bad guys.  America's most beautiful shade of orange versus the color of a flesh wound.  Some might even say little brother versus big brother....but let me tell ya, ain't no way I'm ever considering a Sooner as part of my family.  You're lucky I even consider you friends (I kid, the four of you I like, know who you are).

I have to say, I'm pretty confident about this year's match up.  I feel good.  Great coaching with leadership and passion.  Toughness.  Pride in the program.  Dieringer.  Kindig.  Collica.  Oh, what's that?  You thought I was talking about football?  No, you silly head.  I'm talking about Bedlam wrestling.   Sunday.  Gallagher Iba Arena.  Mark it down, Pokes win big.

I hear there is a football match being played on Saturday too.  Let's look at what we know about that:

1. Trevor Knight is out again.  That sets up for stupid Blake Bell to be brought in during the fourth quarter to somehow come in and single-handily beat us. Again.  I believe Blake Bell to be my least favorite Sooner of all time.  He made my baby cry!  Okay, technically, that's not what happened.  But in 2012 as I watched all 9 feet 4 inches of him rumble into the endzone, I screamed, "*curse word* STOP HIM!"  And my 3 month old burst into tears.  And I thought to myself, "Cool story.  I'm a bad mom.  I'm pissed.  And OU just won.  Life is dumb."
2. Gundy won't answer any questions.  I'm not confident he's even working on plays.  It's possible he may not even show up on Saturday.  And I'm not sure that it would make much of a difference.  Somebody's got a case of the big-times.  Well, here's the deal, Gundy...don't big-time me.  Kathy doesn't have any tolerance for that.  Show a little passion, stop acting so annoyed with having to answer questions.  That is actually one of your job requirements.  So is coaching your team to win, but those are just semantics.  Also, you only get to act like Belichick if you win like Belichick.  So turn that frown upside down, pal.  Go team!
3. Apparently, OU has a player who runs a lot.  Approximately a quarter mile (thanks Google!) per game.  Super.  That sounds like it will be a fun thing to watch.  If the Sooners had any class at all, they'd let him rest his weary legs after his record-breaking performance.  But the good news?  The game should go quickly.

Now, as you are aware, I've been called irrational.  I've also been called Kathy twice this week, so everything seems to be business as usual.  But with all of this negativity that surrounds my thoughts, I do actually have a little hope.  We've got a new quarterback (maybe), and I believe that little red-nosed reindeer may be the spark we need.  To win this game, we're gonna need trickeration, luck, forced turnovers, God on our side, and a possible sporadic weather phenomenon.  But as they say at Ripley's, nothing is impossible!  Or maybe they say, believe it or not.  What's the difference?

So to Mason Rudolph, I say to you: Guide the sleigh, young man.  Guide the damn sleigh!

And as always...Go Pokes!

Irrational Kath

After watching my beloved Cowboys sputter through the first half of football with no creativity, no adjustments and no visible desire to punch the Longhorns in the mouth, I tweeted the following:

Gundy and Yurcich owe me a personal apology.  And a refund.

Who was to know that that tweet would lead to me not only being called out by a well-known OSU blogger, but also have an entire blog post dedicated to me.  I'm humbled by the attention.  My tweet was referred to "as irrational as it gets" for an OSU fan.  Wow!  Really?  I wasn't even aiming to be the top in the category, but you know sometimes you can't deny success.

See, I would consider the following more irrational:
1. Threatening players or coaches, as has been known to happen with other fan bases.
2. Call for Gundy's firing.
3. Burn my house down in anger of this season.
4. Burn your house down in anger of this season.
5. Stop attending games (which was suggested).
6. Speak in post-game press conferences about not being worried and focusing on the future.

I have to admit, I was a little surprised that this young man lacked the ability to see that I was not serious.  You know those children who are born without the ability to feel pain?  I fear maybe he was born without the ability to sense sarcasm.  And if that is the case, as Jay Z says, I feel bad for you son.

I suppose I must take this opportunity to point out that I didn't actually expect an apology and/or a refund.  First, we moved this spring and I never got around to sending out, "We've Moved!" cards, so there is a good chance he wouldn't even be able to locate me.  Second, seeing as Gundy has refused to acknowledge what a dumpster fire this season has turned into, I highly doubt my request would be acknowledged.

See, my comments stem from our fearless leader saying he was focusing on the future.  As the wise blogger pointed out, if you went to see a movie and didn't enjoy it, would you ask for a refund from the producers?  Well, to be perfectly honest, I had no idea this was an option.  Is this on the table?  Because I went to see Fear.com in 2002, and I'm still mad about it.  Had I known that I could contact the director/producer, I might have done this.

Let's just go with his example though.  Let's say I went to my favorite restaurant and ordered chicken parm.  And what was delivered to me was a piece of chicken that was still frozen in the middle with bread crumbs thrown on at the last minute, surely I would protest.  And the waiter might say, "Yeah, the outside parts of the chicken are cooked and we're really excited about what's on the menu for Friday.  It's gonna be great."  And I'd probably respond, "But I didn't pay for Friday night's dinner, I'd like for tonight's product to be edible."  And the watier would be all, "Yeah, the head chef, he's new.  But he used to make grilled cheese at his apartment and it was amazing, so he's the right man for the job."  And I'd be all, "That's a convicining resume.  Why don't you go ahead and apply my bill to Friday, I'll come back for that."  And then we'd high five and everything would be solved.

Really, what I was looking for was an apology ala Tim Tebow in 2008 following Florida's loss to Ole Miss.  Or even something close to what Eddie Sutton used to do.  On more than one occassion, the first thing out of his mouth was an apology to the fans, because "they deserve better."

I'm disgruntled.  And it's my right as a fan to be that way.  And it's my right as a Kathy, to be sarcastic about it.  You don't have to agree with me, that's cool.  But don't troll me, bro.  It's bad form.

This is exhausting

Guys, I'm tired.  Like, really exhausted.  How much, you may ask?  Well, last night I had a dream I was going to prom.  I had decided that I would wear a tuxedo top and jeans.  Apparently, in my dreams I am the 1996 version of Garth Brooks at the Grammy's.  I woke up and realized, there is no analyzing to be done, I'm just going crazy.

So what could be causing these elevated levels of sleepies?  I see two possible answers.

First, my tiny human wears me out.  Let me go ahead and cut you off at the pass before you tell me that your 2/3/4 kids make you more tired than me.  Cool story.  This isn't a competition.  And this is my blog, and we're talking about me.  And right now the two year old I live with is exhausting.  On Saturday, Husband snuck away to watch the Sundevils with some friends leaving just us girls to our own devices at home.  And let me just tell you, one-on-one time is like being in the throws of a Congressional hearing.  So. Many. Questions.  Luckily, I'm quick on my feet, so if I don't know the answer, I just make one up.  By the time Husband got home, I looked at him and said, "I can literally not answer one more question.  Not one."  Then we took a family adventure to Sam's.  Started off with Tiny Human marching up and down the aisles yelling, "Look at all of this!  It's amazing!" About 30 minutes in, the interpretive song and dance portion of the program began.  It was a combination of spinning, downward dog, Jesus Loves Me, and a song about colors in Spanish.  As I watched her roll on the floor while belting out, "Yes!  Jesus loves me and Christmas trees have lights!" I thought to myself, "this is what you deserve, Kath."

I think, however, that my real exhaustion stems for Kirk Herbstreit.  Or as my brother likes to call him, Herb Herbstreit.  I just can't take him anymore.  On Saturday, prior to kickoff, he referred to Arizona State as the most overrated team in the nation.  Following their convincing win against Notre Dame, he called the Sundevils "trendy" and then pointed out that they got beat badly by UCLA and only beat USC because of a Hail Mary.  He then went on to subtly try to convince me that Ohio State was the most deserving new member to the top four.  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Your bias is starting to show.  And no, I'm not talking about SEC bias, I'm talking specifically about your bias against me.

Lest we forget about his blatant hatred of Oklahoma State in 2011.  Remember your sound reasoning that the Pokes couldn't play for the national championship?  We didn't deserve it because we had a bad loss, remember.  Well, I've got two words for you Herbie:  Virginia. Tech.  Your beloved Buckeyes got beat by a craptastic Va Tech team that may not even finish with a winning record.  Bad loss.  Terrible loss.  And if it's enough to keep my Cowboys out, your stupid Buckeyes should stay home too.  And no, you can't change your mind.  No take backs.

Kirk Herbstreit exists on this earth to make me mad and talk noise about teams I like.  I knew he couldn't be trusted when he continued to tell me Mike Stoops was a great coach.  Keep it up, pretty boy and I'll arrange to have you put into a room with Tiny Human and 1,000 items she's never seen before.  She will Guantanamo your ass and bring you to your knees with her questioning.  

Fly on the Wall

Look people, I'm thin on material.  It's a sad state of affairs around here.  I don't really have any opinions to give on OSU football.  Project Runway has come to an end.  Election season is complete.  I really am left with very little to evaluate.  I guess I could tell you about the latest New Yorker article I read about a Mexican lucha libre wrestler who wears no mask and dresses in drag, but let's just save that gem for another day.

Instead, I'm going to let you peak inside recent conversations at our house.

The Setting: Last night as I'm trying figure out what I'm going to wear to an event.

Kathy: The dress for this is "snappy casual."  I don't really know what that means....but I don't think I have anything that fits that description.
Husband: Yeah.  You have more of a "mom wardrobe."
Kathy: (snapping head  around): WHAT?!
Husband: *silence*
Kathy: What does that mean?!
Husband: You know, like work clothes.
Kathy: I feel a lot of anger towards you right now.
Husband: Yeah, I kind of figured.  *walks away*

I can't even put into words how offended I was/am/always will be.

The Setting: Sitting down to dinner and the television is on ESPN with some sort of NBA analysis going on.

Tiny Human: Who's that?  What's that name?
Me: That is John Anderson, Chauncey Billups, and George Karl.
Tiny Human: He's a turtle!
Me: You think George Karl looks like a turtle?
Tiny Human: Yeah!
Me: I'm not going to disagree with that assessment.

See for yourself.

The Setting:Talking about the big game this weekend, pitting the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame versus the Arizona State Sun Devils.   The Catholics versus the Horned Ones.

Husband: A lot of people are talking about how this really is a big game, in so many ways.  Like it could be a defining moment.
Kathy: It definitely could be
Husband: And you know, ASU has the tendency to falter in the spotlight.
Kathy: Yeah, I'm afraid this might be a pile of poo.
Husband: *stares back at me*
Kathy: *smiling* I'm just a mom, what do I know?

Don't worry though, I'll be cheering on the Sun Devils tomorrow while wearing sensible shoes, a ribbed sweater and mom jeans....which are apparently back in style.

Happy Weekend, Go Devils!

Let's Take a Quiz

Hey!  Did you know it's election day?  No?  You must not be on any social media at all, because the 77 pictures of the "I Voted" stickers should have tipped you off.  And for the record, I have a cousin who voted in Las Vegas, where I think they officially call it "Doubling Down Day," and she got a big awesome circle sticker.  I would like to file a referendum for fancier/bigger voting stickers.  And if they could be scratch-and-sniff, I would be especially thankful.  I think they should smell like hot dogs.  Or bourbon.

Anyway, in true Kathy form, I took a "Who should you vote for?" quiz after I cast my ballot.  Good news: I apparently voted exactly in line with my beliefs.  Yay me!  (The quiz was on www.isidewith.com and I highly recommend it, if you don't know where you stand on things. Or you are like me and you take online quizzes just for funsies.)

That quiz got me in the mood to quiz myself for today's blog.  Switch it up a little.  Unleash the creativity.  Follow along, you can take the quiz too if you'd like....fun fact: I wrote the whole thing, so there are no wrong answers.  Today, you are a winner!

What has been the highlight of OSU football season so far?
A. The chrome helmets
B. There are only three more games to suffer through.
C. The moral victory versus Florida State.
D. The weather has been really nice for home games.

Tough choice on this one, but I think I'm going with A.  D comes in a close second.

What are you looking forward to most about this weekend?
A. Arizona State has a good chance to beat Notre Dame.
B. The Cowboys don't play, so we're guaranteed not to lose this weekend.
C. Spending quality time with the family.
D. There is still pumpkin beer in the fridge.

I choose E.  All of the above.

What have you learned this week?
A. That intrical is not a word.
B. That Butterfinger cups are the most delicious food to ever exist.
C. That you still don't know the difference between all the different Cromartie's in the NFL. #whosetheonewithallthekids
D.  That your kid possibly knows more Spanish than you do.

Trick question!  I actually learned all of these things this week.  But B and D were probably the most significant.

Now that campaign season has come to a close in Oklahoma, what do we have to look forward to?
A. Truck month!  (I just assume every month is truck month)
B. A nip in the air...and by nip, I mean 30 mile per hour gusts that knock you down.
C. College basketball season starts.
D. Thanksgiving.

This was a no-brainer.  D. Thanksgiving for the win, and all the things that come with it.  The turkey-induced sleepies, stretchy pants, and sweet potato casserole that I present as a side dish, but it's really just desert you get to eat early.

So how'd you do?  I'll go ahead and tally up those results for you and provide fascinating insight ala Buzzfeed.  Based on your answers, I'll probably be able to tell you what kind of pastry you are (doughnut), your dream job (actuary), and city you were meant to live in (Hoboken).  Tada!  Easy at sweet potato casserole.