Letters: Two X's and such

Dear Daxx Garman,

I see you.  With your two X's.  I assume they stand for your arm being two times stronger than Walsh's.  Too soon?  I never wish for injury, unless it's the opposing team, so I was sad to see Walsh go down.  I feel bad for him.  It's been a rough go.  But moving on... I'm in on team Daxx.  I don't know why there are two X's in your name, and frankly I don't care as long as you keep slinging the ball down the field.

Just win baby,

Kathy

Dear Guy at the Gym,

I know you are working hard on getting swole.  Your tight tank top and determined look told me so.  But the panting and the grunting... it's too much.  It takes every bit of self control for me not to turn around and tell you that I think you might be overexerting yourself.  Take it down a notch or seven.  Maybe you don't have to rep it out.  As to the other guy who eats peanut butter sandwiches in the corner, I don't understand you, but that's okay.  You just keep up your committment to protein during your workout.

Shhhhhh,

Kath

Dear Brandon Pettigrew,

You know that ol' Chinese Proverb, if you love someone let them go?  Possibly not Chinese and probably not about Fantasy Football, but I think it applies to us.  After drafting you in at least one league every year since your rookie debut, I had to set you free.  Fly little dove, fly.  I want to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your breakout season, because I know that is what will happen.  You're welcome, Lions fans.  I did this for you.

May your rock hands tranform to huge sticky mits,

KHR

A moral victory, but I digress.

Do you guys ever misuse phrases?  I'm starting to realize that I misuse a lot of phrases.  In my old age, I'm morphing into the bartender from Boondock Saints. I ended a long email rant the other day with, "but I digress."  I then started to think, "I'm not sure I used that correctly."  I often use this phrase to end impassioned soliloquies.  Kind of a "and that's what I think about that!" or "this is Kathy, signing off."  And it seems, that "I digress" doesn't mean either of these things.  I gathered from my extensive internet research (Urban Dictionary and Wikipedia) that it actually means, "I've gotten off topic, so let's refocus."  Here's the ironic thing: I get off topic ALL THE TIME.  You'd think I would know the proper phrasing for my condition.  I just needed to get that off my chest.  A little confession before we get to the meat of the story. Moving on...

As I watched the Oklahoma State game last Saturday, I could feel a pool of water gathering at my feet.  It wasn't because I peed my pants, it was the ice melting from my cold heart.  Alas!  There is hope after all.  After my last doom-and-gloom post about my bad attitude toward expectations of the season, I got several private messages telling me to shape up or ship out.

Well, don't worry friends.  Optimistic Kath is back. Sure, I suffered some regression and reverted to the 1990s Cowboy fan inside all of us.  I expected humiliation.  I anticipated disgust.  But the 'Boys came to play.  Could it be that we've cleared that hurdle?  Maybe the days of saying, "Oh well, there's always basketball season," are over.  Let's be honest, I'm the only one who still says that anyway.

I started thinking, maybe we've evolved past the team that just gets whipped, and instead we've become the team that always competes.  That's a good progression in my opinion.  We have moved from Michael Dukakis to Al Gore.  Although if we really were Al Gore, technically we would have won the game, just not been given credit.  Like OU against Oregon in 2006.  But I digress...  (I totally just used that right!)

A lot of people have referred to the Florida State game as a "moral victory."  I don't believe in moral victories.  You either win or lose.  And the variance of which it takes to get over losses is what I really focus on.  I got over this one pretty quickly.  Sure, I had that oh-so-familiar feeling during the game.  You know the one, where you think you might barf from nerves that this could really happen or it might all be taken away?  I feel ya, Al Gore.  I feel ya.

But I took a lot of positive things from our season opener.  There is hope.  And more importantly, there is fight.  And as a fan, that is all I can ask for.  Go out and fight each game.  And if you can come close to taking the opposing quarterback's head off, ala Emmanuel Ogbah, that'd be great too.

Let's talk it out

I'm back and fully rested and recharged from a vacation to Arizona.  109 degrees will do that for you.  It's like being at a sweat lodge, minus the crystals and meditating.  I'm sure you are just itching to hear my thoughts on the OSU game, but you'll just have to wait.  Later in the week, my pretties.

I thought I'd share with you a couple of conversations I had while vacationing in the desert.  It's a little peek into the way Kathy's mind works.  Fascinating stuff, for sure.

Husband and I dropped by a local sports bar to catch the Arizona State game.  They were playing Weber State, which I learned from Wikapedia is in Utah.  And that Damian Lillard went there.  And that's about all I know about the fighting Webers.  It's hard to really evaluate a game like that, because you start thinking, "My god, this is the greatest team on earth!  Oh wait, where is the opponent from again?  Have they always had a football program?"  Anyway, when games are a wash, I tend to focus on other things.  On Thursday night, I focused on the huge gentleman who came in and sat at the table right next to us.  He was no less than 6'5 and you could see his muscles through his shirt.  The following conversation ensued:

Kathy: Is he someone?  I feel like he is someone.
Husband: No idea.
*sits and stares at the back of his head*
Kathy: I just KNOW he is someone famous.  He's way too big not to be famous.
Husband: *shrugs*
10 minutes later
Kathy: You know, if you weren't with me, I'd go up and ask him who he is.
Husband: *shrugs*
Kathy: Sometimes I feel like you are holding me back from being the person I want to be.  And the person I want to be is the person who knows who he is.

After he left, I turned to Husband excitedly.

Kathy: Will you be embarrassed if I get up and look at his bill to see who he is?
Husband: Sorry.  He paid with cash.
Kathy: GAH!  Now I'm never going to know who he is!  Thanks for nothing!

What I learned from this conversation:  Next time, I'm taking the risk of embarrassing Husband and just asking.  I could have made a famous friend.  I will not let that opportunity pass me by again.

The next day, I headed off to the nail shop to fancy up my fingers.  I knew it was overdue, but maybe not how much so, until Tom, the manicurist, set me straight.

Tom: Your cuticles.  Very tough.  VERY tough.  It means you're healthy, but very ugly to look at

Tom: Been a long time since you have manicure, yes?
Kathy: Yep, it's been a while.
Tom: That's an understatement.

Tom: Next time you get on the scale, you will be two pounds lighter.  Two pounds of cuticles, gone.

Tom: Just look at your nails.  They look so much better.  Your boyfriend, he will not run away from you now.  Because he was probably planning on running away from you before.  Now he will love you more.

What I learned from this conversation: If Husband doesn't love me now, I just don't know what else I can do.

As we arrived at the Phoenix Sky Harbor airport to head home, I had a bad feeling we weren't going to have a smooth travel day with the Tiny Human.  I knew this because when she was told that we were going to get on the airplane she had a total and complete freakout because it wasn't happening at that very moment.  Through tears and snot she yelled, "Airplane!  Airplane! Airplane!"  Then she dropped her pacifier on the floor and that caused what seemed to be the end of times.  And let me just say, I'm being paid back in full for all those snide looks I gave to parents with crying kids in my 20s.  The glares I receive are nothing short of death rays.  Sometimes I can feel my skin burn.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret...when my child bows her back and throws herself to the floor and screams, she's not doing it because I'm a bad parent.  She's doing it because she's insane.  Cut me a little slack.

Following the two epic meltdowns within 15 minutes, we made it to security.  The TSA agent gave me a "I couldn't be more annoyed with you if I tried," look and said the following:

Super Friendly Guy: Can she walk through?  Or do you have to carry her?
Kathy: Depends.  Do you want her to scream in your face?
*laughter from other passengers*
Super Friendly Guy (visibly irritated): It's up to you.
Kathy: Actually, it's not.  I'll be carrying her.

What I learned from this conversation: Not everyone thinks I'm funny.  Especially security personnel at the airport.  Their loss.

And that my friends, is how Kathy does vacation.  I wonder if I could put out a Craigslist "Missed Connection" for my sure-to-be best friendship.  I'll be sure to mention that my cuticles are in great shape, so I'm super lovable.

Wish balloons and music

awwww, the good ol' days.  When the only weed Blackmon needed was Brandon.  Sigh.

Well, it's that time of year again, where Kathy dusts off the ol' wishing shoes and asks the universe for a few things before the season begins. I write down my wishes, tie them to a balloon string and watch them sail into the sky.  Then the balloon gets caught in an electrical wire, bursts into flames and plummets to the ground. Just kidding, I threw that last part in for dramatic effect.

I've been open about my doubts on this season.  I feel uneasy.  My confidence is a little shaken. So as I was thinking about what it is that I really wanted from this year, I realized that my hopes and anticipation of each Cowboy season mirror my feelings about John Mayer.  Stick with me, it will all make sense.

Don't Let Me Down.  This doesn't have to be the best you've ever done.  I really am okay with that.  Let's all be honest, you may never replicate Continuum (2011 season).  It was SO great.  I mean SO great.  When I think about it, I smile.  There was one clunker, your cover of Bold as Love (Iowa State game), but on the whole, kudos.  Slow clap for you, big guy.  And you know, I don't think this has to be a Grammy-award winning album (College Football Playoff), but let's not end up in the $9.99 bin at Target one month out, okay?

One Big Hit.  I have to have the big hit/win to help me survive.  I have to.  You have to give me something that gets radio play.  Last year wasn't great...Paradise Valley was sub-par.  But you gave me Wildfire (beating Baylor) and that was enough to power me through to basketball season, which also let me down.  You just keep stringing me along with hints that you really are as great as I think you are and all will be well.

Maybe not so many guitar riffs.  I've seen you in concert (watched games) approximately one million times.  I get your schtick.  And I understand you want to be authentic and try new things.  I supported you when you ventured to the John Mayer Trio (hired a freakin' D2 coach from freakin' Shippensburg State), but maybe you can lay off the guitar riffs (complete and total lack of offensive creativity and adjustment).  You know the ones I'm talking about.  The ones that last for like 13 minutes (4 straight series of 3 and outs)?  I know YOU like them.  But the fans aren't really down.  Open it up.  Play Comfortable (throw it down the field).  I know you don't like to, but this isn't about you John.  It's about me.  I like that song (passing play), so just do it.

And that's it.  I'm keeping my expectations reasonable.    You know, no matter what you produce, I will still be loyal.  People will continue to make fun of me for being faithful to you, but I believe in you.  I really do.  You're crazy some times, like dating Jessica Simpson or your ill-advised stand-up comedy career (Cowboys 4ever and letting Monken get away), but I know that you mean well.  

Also, if the intro video didn't suck this year, that'd be swell.  Music with words.  Video of big hits.  Broken bones.  Spleen lacerations.  I really don't need to see guys running wind sprints.  You gonna show me running?  Show me that video of Dez Bryant racing a horse.  I can get behind that. *

Go Pokes.

*I couldn't make the connection to John with this one. He's a pacifist, doesn't translate.

And most of all, I want world peace

Well, it finally happened.  I've finally been recognized for my talents.  I'm going to serve as a judge in the Miss Tuttle Fair pageant tonight.  I am beyond excited about this.  I am thrilled to be a part of something that builds self confidence in young women.  It's a tough world, and anything that promotes value and self worth, I stand behind.  I also like sequins and shiny dresses.

Part of my role will be to interview the young ladies.  During my breakdown of responsibilities, I was told that I'm not allowed to ask political questions.  So there goes my questioning into their thoughts on the increasing volitility and terror threat of ISIS, Obamacare, and their predictions for the 2014 elections.

So I really need to buckle down and figure out what I am going to ask.  This is tough.  Gotta get my mind right, you know?  Think like a teenager.  I've been listening to One Direction for hours to put me in the right frame of mind.  I've got a few ideas, but I'm totally open to suggestions.

1. How orange are you?  I think I'll start my questioning with, "Do you cheer for Oklahoma State?  If not, please give me three good reasons why not.  And the fact that Jason White is from Tuttle doesn't count."
2. Why do you guys wear high-wasted mom jean shorts?  I really want to know the answer to this.
3. Who do you think is more annoying this season on Pretty Little Liars?  Aria or Hannah?  My vote is Hannah.  Girlfriend needs to pull herself together and reexamine her wardrobe choices.
4. Do you really think Snapchat is a good idea?  Here's a hint...it's not.
5. Does it bother you when adults misuse hashtags?  It bothers me.  #allyouaredoingiswritingarunonsentence
6. Do you babysit?  If so, how much do you charge?  Asking for a friend.
7. Do you think Kevin Durant will go to the Wizards after next season?  Say no.  Be an optimist like me.
8. Have you ever seen The Neverending Story?  If not, why?  Will you promise to watch it tonight?
9. Do people still say, "It's all good in the hood"?  Asking for a friend.
10. What is something you wish adults understood better?  This, may be my most realistic prospect of a question...besides the one about OSU.

Okay, so that's where I'm at. Got anything better?  Send me your questions, I'll try to work them in.

You Forgot to Mention Your Baby

You guys, football season is just a sniff away.  You know how I know that?  Because I had a dream last night that it was game day for the Oklahoma State vs. Florida State game and I couldn't figure out the best facebook status to post.  I'm not kidding, that was really my dream.  That's maybe the most pathetic thing I've ever written.  Hashtag get a life.

I also realized that I might have football on the brain when I was asked to "tell the group a little bit about yourself," the other night at a meeting.  Don't worry it wasn't the anonymous kind.  I said my name, where I work, and that "I'm loyal to OSU to a fault."  And then I put the guns up.  And that's it.  I didn't mention that I am married.  Or have a kid.  Or any hobbies.  Just OSU.  That is all I exist of.  Work and OSU...and salty snacks.

I'll put together my wish list/hopes and dreams for the season blog in a few weeks.  I'm still sorting out my expectations for this year.  But I can give you a teaser...I don't anticipate good things.  But, I've got two full weeks to get my head straight.  To build up that silly optimism.  I'll get there...just give me some time.  Stop pressuring me.  I feel smothered.  I need a break.

In the meantime, I'd like to tell you something I'm already over.  Sure, I think the preseason polls are annoying.  And I'm not sure how many years in a row we are all expected to believe Texas "is back."  But that's not my beef (see what I did there?  Made a subtle cow/longhorn joke.  I'll be here all week).

The thing that no longer amuses me is "dancing Gundy."  I saw links to him doing a birthday dance or something to that nature earlier.  I guess he "broke it down"...again. I don't know.  Maybe I'm just no fun  (who are we kidding?  I'm a blast), but I don't really get the appeal.

Now if he were to pull any of these moves, I'd change my tune.  I love the way the second guy dances so much, I could watch this video 422 times.

Jimmy Fallon 80s Dance Avenue

OR if he learned to freestyle rap.  Just spit mad flow.  Or if he could do magic?  I'm in.  I love magic.  I especially love magic if I've had a couple of cocktails.  I learned that about myself when I was in a bar in Arizona and a magician just floated up to our table.  I loved him as much as the second dancer in that video.  I wanted to be his best friend.

So, the key take aways from this are that I would prefer Gundy to do magic, a rap battle or a jive turkey dance.  Also to be noted, middle-aged twerking/Russian dancing does nothing for me.

Letters: Goodbye Facebook Falcor

Dear Facebook Falcor,

So, I "liked" you years ago on a whim.  It seemed right.  I love your work.  But just recently you started popping up on my newsfeed, and I have to say, I don't really understand.  You're a little vulgar and inappropriate.  I think you might have been hacked by a 20-something male who likes to post crude jokes and pictures of scantily clad women.  And it's not that I'm easily offended or anything, but this isn't the type of thing I expected from the Luck Dragon.  I kind of expected you to say things like, "Having a luck dragon with you is the only way to go on a quest," not, "Is there anything worse than college chicks?"  I mean...Bastian would be devastated by this behavior.  So I have to "unlike" you.  Because I fear The Nothing has taken over.

For the love of Fantasia,

Kathy

Dear Tiny Human,

I get it. You are a toddler, which in turn makes you volatile and crazy.  Your mood can change in an instant.  Reminds me of days in the sorority house (just kidding, love you all, Pi Phi till I die).  But maybe, just maybe, you can take the attitude down a few notches.  For example, when I get home from a long day, and try to greet you sweetly, maybe you don't have to hold your hand up to my face and yell, "No ma'am!  Walk away!"  It's rude.  You're living rent-free and pretty high on the hog, so let's all agree to scream a little less and smile a little more.  Good?  Good.  I also like it when you sing pop music and say things like, "Shake it, girl."  That's fun.

Love, 

Mommy

Dear UFC,

You've officially piqued my interest.  Color me intrigued with your press conference fight.  I'll go on record by saying that I know nothing about UFC/MMA/etc.  Nothing.  Years ago, I watched a True Life on MTV about a guy who did muay thai.  And I don't even think that is the same thing.  What I do know is that there are some Oklahoma State guys who fight, so by proxy, I'm a fan right?  I mean, I'm as homerific as they come.  If a Cowboy is competing, I'm cheering.  I even tried to pass off knowledge of the Jon Jones vs. Daniel Cormier fight yesterday while talking to Husband.   I even impressed myself.  I likened today's ultimate fighting to the glory days of the WWF.  Except these guys are really competing (don't tell my brother I said that, he'd be horrified).  So, maybe I'll start following along.  As long as I can watch the fights for free and the OSU guy wins, I'm totally in.

Takedown for two,

Kath