A House Divided Will Always Love You

Greetings friends.  Good to see you again.  Talk about Mr. Unreliable...Kathy seems to have disappeared into blogging oblivion.  But I'm back!  I was inspired by a poorly written headline, and, well, the rest is history, suckers.

It's been a big sports week in the realm of real news.  Well done, universe.  What did we learn?  Racism is bad.  It never stopped being bad.  So stop doing it.  And stealing crab legs is frowned upon in Florida.  And frankly, I don't think Winston's punishment was harsh enough.  Seafood is a gateway food.  What's next?  Kobe Beef? Truffle Oil?  Fancy Mac n' Cheese?  Let's nip this in the bud and go ahead and suspend him for the first football game in 2014.  And Kevin Durant just needed a little kick in the pants to get back in rhythm.  For a minute, I felt like I was living in a big city like Chicago or Philly where media and fans turn against great players.  We got LeBron'd.  Big League City, indeed.

After watching the Thunder thump the Grizzles, I'm back to being the over-confident fan.  Good win, good win.  Blowouts are so much better than OT nailbiters.  When it's a blowout, I can get other things done during the game: clean, workout, facebooky fun, etc.  Close, what-the-heck-is-going-on-with-this-team and why-won't-they-drive-the-lane games?  Not so much.  And frankly, I can't handle any more Thundovers.  I gotta work the next day.   More taking control in the third quarter.  More Steven Adams.  Less Mike Miller.

So now that we all feel warm and fuzzy, I'd like to address a couple sports pet peeves with you.

I still love {insert losing team name}.  So it drives me a little batty when people feel the need to state after a very disappointing loss that even though the team ripped their heart out, they still love them win or lose.  Well you know what?  Kathy loves her teams a little less when they let her down.  I'll never stop loving the Cowboys.  But when they lost Bedlam (all of them) and the majority of basketball season, I didn't love love them.  I loved them like you love a boyfriend who shows up drunk to an important event.  Sure, the relationship will survive, but at the moment, I don't want to see their dumb face.  Don't call me.  I'll call when I'm ready.  So next time there is a heart breaker, you don't have to tell me you still love the team.  I know.  Sports are like family.  You'll always love them, you just don't have to like them all the time.  (In case any of my family is reading this, this doesn't apply to you guys.  I like you guys ALL the time, pinky swear).

A house divided.  Ugh.  Are you serious?  Those license plates make me so mad.  Yes, yes, I realize there are much more rational people out there who fall in love with people who went to rival colleges or cheer for rival schools.  Good for you, I suppose.  But I just can't imagine anything worse.  When the Cowboys lose, I do not need to be in the same room with anyone who might have any shred of joy about it.  Because that person, in that moment, is my enemy.  You guys saw Sleeping with the Enemy right?  Not a good idea.

All of that being said, this weekend marks a "house divided" moment in our household.  The Arizona State Sundevils are taking on the Cowboys in baseball.  As you might know, I attended both OSU and ASU. I'm so fancy.  You already know.  I married a Sundevil, cause that was a totally safe choice.  Also, he's really kind and good, blah, blah, blah.  But back to sports.  I suppose this is an even more complex situation, seeing as I am a woman divided.  I am Janus.  Oh, who are we kidding?  I will never cheer against the Cowboys.  Ever.  Unless Tiny Human becomes a Division I athlete and is playing against them.  And even then, I'm not sure.  We'll evaluate when we see what her role on the team is.  I kid.

So Tiny Human and I will be decked out in orange while Husband sports his gold.  We'll cheer for both  teams to play well, as long as the Cowboys win.  No wiggle room.  Sorry bro, this is what you married.  Embrace it.  And like I always say, even though the Sundevils lost, I still love them!  Go Pokes!

Tuesday Tantrums (and other letters)

Happy Tax Day!  I was a good citizen this year and finished my taxes early...27 hours early to be exact.  Another year, another handful of cuss words as I write my check to the state of Oklahoma.  I think since I have to pay money every year, I should have a little more say in the legislation.  My first proposed bill is outlawing wind.  Next up, no more chewing gum for anyone.  If you can't chew quietly, you don't deserve the privilege.

So, let's jump right into this Tuesday edition of letters, shall we?

Dear Facebook Friends,

What gives?  What's with holding back on important information?  At no time have I seen people post about the without-warning-full-out-tantrums children aged 18 months throw. Why isn't anyone talking about this?  As of this weekend, I am the proud owner of a child who may or may not be possessed.  I thought tantrums were brought on by something actually happening, not just because.  I don't even know how to handle such occurrences, because I fail to understand why a reasonable person would throw themselves to the floor and scream at the top of their lungs because their bib is removed.  How about a little less talk of potty training, and more talk about what to do when your child's soul is taken over by the dark side.  That'd be great.

Sincerely,

Confused Parent

Dear Professional Wrestling,

Thanks for the trip down memory lane lately.  I've had more conversations about WWF and professional wrestling in the last week than I have in 25 years.  It's been fantastic.  I've reminisced about being a Hulkamaniac, the Saturday morning cartoon Hulk Hogan Rock n' Wrestling, Junkyard Dog, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, and G.L.O.W. (gorgeous ladies of wrestling).  And by reminisced, I mean I talked about them and Husband stared back in confusion.  Whatever.  I'm clearly a more well-rounded person because of my knowledge of Rowdy Roddy Piper and the sleeper hold.  

Whatcha gonna do, brotha?

Kath

Dear Oklahoma Weather,

Earthquakes, tornado warnings, 80 degrees and snow all within 48 hours?  Yawn.  Until you produce a typhoon, I'm underwhelmed.

Wall clouds and thunder sleet, 

Kathy

Speaking of thunder...

Dear Thunder,

I'm totally not worried.  So you lost to Jeff Withey and the walk-ons.  No big woo.  Everyone just remain calm, we've got them right where we want them.  It's almost playoff time, so you've got my full attention.  I think everything is going to be A-OK.  Unlike previous years, you aren't the hottest team going into the playoffs, and I think that's good.  Let's take the Tom Izzo approach to winning, it only matters if you win in the post season.  Let's just focus on making the following players cry over the next couple of weeks: Manu Ginobili, Tim Duncan, Mario Chalmers and Joakim Noah.  I realize that we necessarily play the last two, but my dislike for them is equal.

Fair weather fan at her finest,

K

Dear OSU baseball,

So I don't want to pin all my hopes and dreams on Bedlam baseball...but I'm pinning all my hopes and dreams on Bedlam baseball, of which we get a preview tonight. My long and difficult plight as an OSU fan is well-documented.  I need the blood moon and the stars to align and give me a big fat series sweep.  No mercy.  As they say on Mortal Kombat: Finish them! (<-- okay, that's not an exact quote, just go with me).  Here's to letting the Hulkamania run wild.

Go Pokes!

K Rath 

Hey man, nice Ray Bans

I'm back!  I missed you guys!  Life just wasn't the same unplugged...I was actually able to pay attention to things and read books.  It was very 2003.  Retro.

My Amazon Adventure was a successful one.  Great trip, lots of amazing experiences.  I don't know where I'd rank it with all my travels, but it is in the top 5 of Most Unique Places Visited.  I don't have one overall list, I have sub-lists.  I'm weird, you should know this by now.

I haven't traveled in a while, so you may not be aware that odd things typically occur/happen to me on trips.  I don't just take snapshots and city tours.  Fascist mayors of Rome sit down and have lunch next to me and whaling boat captains try to convince me to ride in their mini vans (both true stories).  So let's dive into Amazonia, and the uniquely Kathy things that happened.  I've included pictures to help you feel more like you were there.

One of the first things we did upon arrival was go piranha fishing.  My mom caught two.  I caught zero.  But whose keeping score?  It's all about the memories, man.  The highlight of the excursion though, was being hit in the head by a catfish.  Yes, it's true.  The man on the opposite side of the boat from me got so excited when there was a tug on his line, that he over-yanked that bad boy out of the water.  It flew across the boat, and I was slapped in the back of the skull by an Amazon River catfish.

The monkeys lived up to the hype.  They were wild, rambunctious and adorable.  I've decided I am going to start a monkey farm in my backyard.  I'm pretty sure that will requires some permits, so I'll get back to you with the grand opening date.We had several face-to-furry-face encounters with the monkeys.   The first was on a pedestrian bridge.  We had been explicitly warned by our guide not to feed the monkeys.  So as you can imagine, everyone filled their pockets with food.  Bananas for everyone!  It was fun, and quite an experience...until we tried to return to our boat.  We got behind a couple who were feeding the monkeys Oreos.  Monkeys have the same reaction to Oreos that humans have...mass hysteria.  Tiny primates were flying ALL OVER THE PLACE.  They were screeching at each other, leaping through the air.  It was borderline terrifying.  At one point, I watched as a capuchin launched himself over my head, missing me by four centimeters.  Remember the movie The Birds?  It was like that.  But with fur and tails.  I was basically in an episode of Survivor.

I did my best Bindi Irwin impersonation and got to hold and touch a boatload of wild animals. And I'm not talking drugged up baby goat at the petting zoo.  These were real deal wild animals.  I held a 7-foot caiman (South America's version of an alligator) and got to pet a pink dolphin.  And those dolphins were aggressive too. It was like When Nature Attacks.  But the absolute best part of the trip for me was getting to hold a three-toed sloth.  Our guide just plucked him out of the tree.  Seriously.  How thrilled do I look?  It was amazing.  He was all, "Whatever, man.  I only poop once a week, I'm in no hurry."

Every time I travel, I bring Husband back a soccer scarf from said country.  It's my "sorry for abandoning you" present.  I was lucky enough to be in South Africa right after the last World Cup, so I was able bring back some good gear.  Seeing as the World Cup is only a few months away in Brazil, I was confident I could load up on riches.  But here is the mystery of all mysteries (not really, I'm just being dramatic): there is little to no soccer stuff to be found in Manaus, Brazil.  I found a few jerseys, but that was it.  No scarves.  No World Cup memorabilia.  At one point, I felt like I need to tell them that they were actually hosting the thing pretty soon.  I did a lot of pantomiming, seeing as I speak no Portuguese.  "Do you have soccer scarves?" I would ask, while mimicking where a scarf would go.  I'm guessing since we were located 35 miles south of the equator, something might have been lost in translation there.  "Futbol scarf?"  I inquired, while kicking and scarf motioning.    I imagine that after I left their store, they all gathered around and talked about that "crazy Americano who was having a seizure talking about soccer."  I came home empty-handed.  I'm just going to order one off the internet and call it a wash.  No one will remember where it came from in a year or so.

Other things of note: my new OSU baseball hat and expensive sunglasses are now residing at the bottom of the Amazon River.  I bought a pair of orange fake Ray Bans for five American dollars from a street peddler to protect my corneas for the rest of the week.  Next to the sloth, they may be the second best part of the trip... the humidity sat at a consistent 445% the whole time we were there.  I never stopped sweating.  I'm actually still sweating now.  I also rocked a blonde afro the entire time I was there.  If I ever have to live there, I will either shave my head or get cornrows.  Either would look superb...we saw the jacana bird (pictured to the right).  Also known as the "Jesus Christ bird" because he walks on water.  Oddly enough, I also saw him heal lepers and turn water into wine.

And that's all I know.  Until the next adventure...

Dre and Jackie Go on an Adventure

I'm leaving for an adventure tomorrow.  An Amazon Adventure.  Giddy up.  I will be cruising down the Amazon River with my mom for a week, you know, just another normal day as Kathy.  I'm excited about the trip and nervous about being gone.  I'm leaving Tiny Human in the very capable hands of Husband, but a little anxious about being out of pocket for so long.

I was stupidly surprised to learn that there is no internet and slim cell service in the Amazon.  Hello?  How do the water snakes communicate with their brothers on dry land?  My friend the Sexy Mex threw out the idea that the monkeys in the Amazon should be equipped with mini cell towers in order to accommodate the digital age.  Upon hearing this genius idea, I've decided to pack a dart gun armed with wifi bullets that I can shoot primates with.  Pow! Pow! Pow! Texting and Instagram for everyone!  Now that I think about it, I should probably use a blow dart gun.  I've seen them in National Geographic, they seem effective.  Be tee dubs, in case any TSA agents are reading this, I'm totally kidding about the gun thing.  The only thing I'll be armed with is quick wit.

So on the eve of my departure, here are a few things you, the reader, need to know.  You aren't going to hear from me for like a week, so soak it in people.

...Our little girl is a talker.  Like, nonstop, jibber jabber, blah, blah, blah.  Except it's not really gibberish, it's actual words.  Talk, talk, talk.  It never stops.  She says all the kids' names from class in the morning and at night.  Harper!  Avery! Jude!  And then there's Jackie.  As far as we know, there is no one in her life named Jackie, yet she talks about her a lot.  She inquires about her: "Jackie?"  She makes statements about her: "Jakcie, Jackie, Jackie."  Being the hands-on parent that I am, I find myself asking no less than three times a day, "Who is Jackie?"  It's often met with laughter and  pointing to the corner.  I think we all know where I'm going with this...we have a ghost, her name is Jackie, and my baby has befriended her.  Not creepy at all...

...In preparation for my trip, I decided it was necessary to purchase some headphones.  I've been saying for quite some time that I wanted Beats by Dre headphones.  Orange ones.  I'm cool.  I'm hip.  It seemed a natural fit...until I discovered how much they cost yesterday.  Two hundred and fifty American dollars.  I can only assume that at that price, the headphones serve as a direct line to Dr. Dre himself.
Dre: What up K?
Kathy: What up Dre?
Dre: Today was a good day.

It should be noted that if an insta-friendship with Dr. Dre was something that could actually be purchased, I would spend that money.  I would probably also pee my pants a little time every time we talked.

...I've also discovered that I don't actually know anything about Brazil or the Amazon.  Soccer, Pele, Gisele, Carnival, big Jesus statue, tall women, and steakhouses.  That's what I know about Brazil.  Upon writing this blog, I also discovered that little monkeys like the one pictured above apparently live there.  And you can go ahead and bank on the fact that I will try to bring one home with me.  I'll put him in my carry-on, he'll become a member of our family.  He will sit on my shoulder and wear my new, non-fancy headphones.  I will name him Jackie...

Peace and chicken grease.  I'll catch you all on the flip side.

Crimson Bison Learn to Fly

Okay, so Thursday was filled with excitement, huh?  I loved yesterday so much, I fell asleep watching basketball.  This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I don't actually watch TruTV or TNT outside of sports programming.  So color me surprised when I woke up with a jolt at 2am to some horrible show called, Jokesters.  Not really sure what the premise was, but some guy was maniacally laughing.  On the scale of awesomeness...it was not awesome.

Here's my quick recap of the day's events.

Wrestling.  I actually spent a good portion of yesterday dedicated to NCAA Wrestling.  Here is basically all you need to know: there is one common enemy in wrestling right now, and they are Penn State.  They are like the Yankees (with Jeter), the Lakers (with Kobe), and the Bears (with Cutler).  Okay, that last one doesn't work, but you get my drift.  Your job, as an American, is to cheer against Penn State.  The Evil Empire must be defeated.  Also, hope and pray that OSU's heavyweight can win in the quarterfinals.  And that's all you need to know.

Ohio State vs. Dayton.  Fly little prop plane, fly!  I didn't see this coming.  I picked stupid Ohio State to go to the Elite Eight in ALL five of my brackets.  Will I never learn?  The only thing you can count on Ohio State for is a sousaphone player with a lot of flare.

Harvard vs. Cincy.  Okay, there were plenty of people calling for this upset when the brackets were released.  I scoffed.  For I knew better.  Turns out, I don't know anything.  Smarty pants > bearcats.

NDSU vs. OU. I made a Sooner friend upset when I pointed out that one of the THREE open shots they took at the end of regulation should have gone in.  You know, because they should have.  I should know. I've watched my team miss shots all season that should have won games.  I feel like that whole Sooner Magic thing is real, and I was shocked when the shots didn't fall.

I can say this with honesty...I'm relieved the Sooners are out.  I had a deep, deep fear they were going to make a run and go much further in the tournament than the Cowboys.  And frankly, it was just more than I could handle.  I just can't.  I get it, they have genuinely beat our tails this year in everything.  And I'm exhausted from it.  I made the rational statement to Husband when the brackets were released, "If we end up meeting in the Sweet Sixteen and lose to them for the third time, I will never watch basketball again.  It will not be allowed to be shown in this house for the rest of eternity."  So let's all rejoice!  Kathy doesn't have to give up basketball.  Let's also take a moment to reflect on the fact that I might be overreacting to things...

ASU vs. Texas.  Thud.  Poor Sundevils.  There is always baseball.

And that's my hard-hitting, fact-based analysis from day one.  I'm expecting big things from the Pokes today.  My hopes are high.  Also, I picked the Cowboys to win it all in two different brackets.  Strangely enough, I'm the only one who did this, so I have the potential to earn some big bucks.

And to my fellow Poke fans out there, let me offer some words of wisdom from the great Tupac,  "Even though you're fed up, you gotta keep your head up."

Kathy's Guide to Filling out Your Bracket

Ooooo, weee!  It's like freakin' Christmas Eve!  Except instead of church, people flock to sports bars...which for some people are their churches.  Which is sad.  And a different blog topic for a different day.  But today we talk about March Madness!  Wahoo!  I'm doing a happy dance, which includes dribbling a pretend basketball between my legs.  I've also been blocking people out all day.  I've got the basketball fever.

So you still have a whole day to get your brackets filled out.  There really is no excuse not to fill one out.  It's easy.  There is no pressure.  It takes little to no effort, and unlike fantasy football, once you fill it out, you're done.  No more work.  And frankly, it's un-American not to participate.  Why do you hate America?  Grab a flag to drape over your shoulders, throw some bird seed at a bald eagle, and get to picking!

Now that I've talked you into it, I'm happy to share some keys to picking the perfect bracket.  No need to thank me, it's what I do.  On my tombstone it will read, "Always willing to give free advice."  It will also say, *her name was not Kathy.

Without further ado, here are my top 5 things to keep in mind while making your selections.

1. The experts don't know it all.  There are approximately 87 tournament analysis shows available to you.  That is approximately 86 too many.  Too much analysis.  Too much "breaking it down."  Wouldn't it be wonderful if they started a show out with, "We don't actually know what is going to happen, but this is what is supposed to happen."  Well guess what?  I was supposed to win the Mega Millions last night, and I think we all know how that turned out.

Yes, they have a lot of good, useful information.  And yes, they get paid to analyze everything.  But experts and pundits often get things wrong.  Just ask Karl Rove.  Too soon?  So take their picks with a grain of salt, and follow your heart.

2. Heart vs. head.  If you are a big, dumb homer fan like me, picking your bracket can be especially grueling.  When I was a kid, my dad told me to never bet against the Cowboys...and to this day, I have such a hard time doing it.  Every single year, I talk myself into them going far,  "They could do it," I reason.  "If the shots are falling, we can beat them," I dream.  "This is a winnable game," I convince myself.

I mean, come on, Kath.  Pull it together.

That being said, if the Cowboys get past Arizona, they will have destiny on their side.  And destiny is nothing to sneeze at.  Don't believe me?  See Angels in the Outfield, Miracle, Glory Road or Goonies.  

3. Don't go falling in love with the "hot" pick.  Every year, there's a team that everyone hitches their wagon to. And every year, they disappoint.  It was typically Missouri for like six straight years.  That was fun.  This year, it's Iowa State and Michigan State.  The Cyclones are playing well, but they aren't THAT good. There are definite deficiencies in their game. And yes, Tom Izzo is a tourney coach, but come on ESPN, every single analyst picked State?  Where's the limb-taking?  No going out on risks?  Let's all try to be a little more like Digger Phelps and pick OSU to go to the championship game.  Now there's some logic.

Seriously though, be wary of the Cyclones and Spartans.  You don't have to go with what all the popular kids are doing.  Be a trailblazer.

**Note:  If either team makes a deep run, don't go blaming me for not picking them.  That's on you.  But if I'm right, I expect the adequate praise.

4. Parity.  Keep in mind, this is a time of great parity in college basketball.  Elite programs like Kentucky and Kansas receive the windfall of great recruits.  Great recruits tend to be super freshman and leave early, leaving programs to constantly rebuild.  There is something to be said for senior-laden teams who have that leadership built in.  Skill can only take you so far.  Heart takes you the rest of the way...and older players who have something invested in the school and program always have a lot of heart.  Please refer to recent Butler teams.

5. Just guess.  I think there is a point where you can know too much, and analyze each game to death.  You'd probably be better off letting your dog pick the games.  Or that chimpanzee from the 80s who threw darts to pick stocks.  I bet his bracket is at another level. Here are some helpful ways to make the decision between two toss-ups that you know nothing about:

• Who has the cooler mascot?  
• Do they have a player with an awesome name?  If so, go with them.
• Go with the one whose school colors AREN'T blue (there is no method to this, I just believe it).
• Wikipedia that stuff.  School with the best "fun fact" should get your vote.

So there you go.  Easy, peasey.  And when you bracket eventually blows up, remember to always cheer for the underdog.  Unless they are playing the Cowboys, in which case, who cares about the underdog.  

Happy basketballing and Go Pokes!

Bird Hunting

2013-2014 season.  Nope, it's a brand new season: the 2014 postseason.  As a friend of mine pointed out, all you have to do is win 10 games.  Nothing to it.

Here's the deal, this is basically like playing a video game.  I'm not much of a gamer myself, but I do have history with Mario Brothers (OG, Super, and 3), Duck Hunt and Angry Birds.  This season was like when you are playing Super Mario Brothers 3, and you are just coasting along.  Collecting coins and stomping mushrooms like a boss.  And then you get the Ice Kingdom and you just CANNOT move forward.  Slipping and sliding, losing life left and right.  That fire ball doesn't work right.  You just can't figure it out.  And after what seems like an eternity, you finally get through the kingdom.  February was the Ice Kingdom for OSU basketball.  But we are past that now.  Time to put on that flying raccoon suit and soar.  Channel your inner Jimmy Edwards, and let's get The Wizard up in here.  Programming note: Travis Ford will be playing the part of Fred Savage.

Speaking of Travis Ford, can the Negative Nancies give is a rest for a while?  Good gracious.  We all get it, your feelings aren't a secret.  But can you just focus on cheering on the team and lay the, "He Must Be Fired!" propaganda to rest for the rest of the month.  You're so focused on how terrible he is, that you are missing some really great individual and team performances.  I've got my issues with him as well, but maybe you can give up the whining and negativity for Lent.  The rest of us will be super appreciative.

And just so we are all clear.. when do we point to coaching in regards to what is going on on the court?  Is it only when it's bad?  When we don't foul while up 3, or rebound, or drive into the lane to shoot?  What about when we are playing well?  Is that not coaching?  When we are getting good ball movement, when we are playing on-the ball defense, the full or 3/4 court press is working, we are getting the ball into the post.  None of that is coaching right?  Because it seems that I only hear about Ford's coaching when it's bad...not when it's good.  But when it comes to Bill Self, he's a coaching genius when they are playing great.  When they turn the ball over 20 times in a game, seem completely lost, and shoot with a full shot clock, then that has to do with extenuating circumstances.  Definitely not coaching.  I just need someone to clarify the rules for me...  I'd hate to let facts get in the way.

So it's time to take on Kansas again.  A daunting task for any challenger.  We are armed with the right tools: the Power Star (Marcus Smart), the Super Mushroom (Markel Brown), and the Fire Flower (Phil Forte).  We'll need that invincibility power, flying ability, possibly a frog suit, and some of that hidden crap that only serious players knew about.  It's totally doable.  We're coming for you Bowser... Princess Toadstool will be ours.  Oh yes, she will be ours.